It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and hopeless in the face of the constant bombardment one experiences on the internet of gameplay movies featuring Japanese gamers finishing Super Mario in eight seconds with 99 lives left. Hooray, then, to mister Hyde who has just taken the Sega crown back for us white devils by beating Ultimate Dark Falz at level 1.

HYDE’S ITENARY OF SHAME

1) He hunts Mil Lillies (one in every 512 lillies) and kills them until one drops Psycho Wand (one in 256 drops).

2) He boosts a level 1 character with all the best spells. Because Psycho Wand takes hit points, this ensures that every spell he casts creates sufficient knockback to kill him, meaning he never gets any experience points.

3) He plays through the entirety of PSO in this way, finally killing Falz on ultimate mode at level 1.

It took him, quite literally, years.

The time may have come to pack up your consoles for good, because unless you plan to complete NiGHTS using your parts of shame to operate the controller* then it’s quite possible nobody will ever, ever be this good at Sega games again.

* Nobody connected with UK:R has ever tried this.**

** Maybe Jon.

London, July 29

Following the successful launch of the Joytech Xbox Fire Extinguisher Joytech is pleased to today announce the launch of the JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER 8″ LCD SCREEN.

JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER 8″ LCD SCREEN AT A GLANCE:

Clips

Screen

Car adaptor kit (optional)

Stereo speaker with Spatial Surround (TM)

Now you can use your JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER on the move, at a friend’s house or even in a car. Email for samples/competition prizes.

From Dennis Norden’s file marked “miscellaneous” we bring you a selection of the emails we’ve got over the last few weeks.

A GREAT PIECE ABOUT MODERN GAME DESIGN:
“Gazunta” writes:

I wrote this on my site, www.gazunta.com, thought it was a bit UK:R-like. So here it is in easy email form. Maybe if you like it you can put a bit of it on your website and then link to mine so I can become a CELEBRITY GAME DESIGNER!!

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE ON HOW TO BE A GOOD MODERN DAY GAME DESIGNER:

1. Come up with a “vision”. Take yourself outside with a notepad and think. Think for a long time. Think long, deep, meaningful thoughts. Think about the synergy between the player and the controller. Think about the Pavolvian connections between cause and effect in a dynamic 3D space. Think about what it would really feel like to be a table, or a tree, or a bridge. Write these thoughts down in your notepad. You are special because you have deep and meaningful thoughts and nobody else does.

2. Think about how many times in a minute you want to press a button. Don’t worry about what it is exactly the game is about yet. Instead, draw a controller and devise a complex system of commands the player can issue. MAKE SURE YOU USE EVERY BUTTON. Games that don’t use every button are not next-gen titles!

3. Don’t play video games. God no. They might corrupt your pure, untainted, dynamic vision. Instead, read Game Developer magazine and promise yourself that you will never make the design mistakes other people did with their games…whatever they were about.

4. When designing the main character, don’t worry about petty things like a list of abilities they have that can be used in the game. You’re better off worrying about what clothes they are wearing, and what the colours on his shirt are saying about the character’s mass market appeal. Spend a week having intense discussions with anyone nearby about the character’s motivation. Should he want to rescue the princess, or would there be a more interestic dramatic tension if he felt forced to by socio-political pressures?

5. Enemies should not be given old-fashioned things like “attacks” or “movement patterns”. The modern day game designer should think of the enemy’s feelings, and draw up a complex list of rules and by-laws that govern its movement. For example: If the Mayor of Metro City bursts into the enemy’s train station, the enemy should try and reach a mutually acceptable compromise about the tresspass. Unless the enemy is feeling tired because they stayed up too late the night before, or there is a problem at home. In fact, since many enemies have a troubled home life, they should try and start an open discourse with the Mayor instead of resorting to barbaric acts of violence with the nearby metal pipe. Next Generation Gaming, right here, right now!

6. When asked to describe the game, use as many big words as you can think of. This will make you sound smart, and show the world that you are the next Will Wright, which is the thought that secretly makes you touch yourself at night.

A RESPONSE TO THE “PECKHAM” UPDATE:
“James Hunt” writes:

Here comes the Infoblast, get ready with your video recorders!

Pek Ham is also a substandard SPAM substitute from Poland that you can buy from ALDI, LIDL, or any other questionable quality foodstores.

http://www.smithfieldfoods.com/Brands/See/animex.asp

My chinese friend buys it. You do not want to know what ‘in natural juices’ means, or how much actual pork is in it.

RUSSIAN SEGA-ADORNED BODYBUILDING CHILD:
“ALEX MARTYNOV” writes:

Hello ukresistance,

See attached pic!

Best regards,
ALEX

A GREAT IMAGE FOR A PSP “BATTERY JOKE”:
“Michael Staiger” writes:

OK, so this is a response to the PSP battery thing which is 7 months old but I’m sure you’ll find a use for these pics of a colossal air/water separation column (apparently) on its way to Ellesmere Port bound for Qatar.

SOMETHING ABOUT WORMS CONDOMS WE’VE POSSIBLY DONE BEFORE:
“Omar Cornut” writes:

Better protect your worm!

Sega’s being our best caring friend, they’re making promotional condoms. For us to wank playing Sakura Taisen, with zero-risk of self-contamination.

The condom package says “Better protect your worm” in french:

Picture stolen from: http://www.the-blue-room.info/archives/44

OTHER COOL STUFF THEY HAVE PHOTOS OF ON THAT SITE:

A Dreamcast CLOTHES BRUSH!

Sonic Heroes SWEETS!!

A Dreamcast MIRROR!!!

A weird Sonic made out of A CARDBOARD BOX :(

SO THAT ROUNDS THAT UP THEN
Wasn’t that nice? Thanks everyone. If we ever get round to making promotional mugs you all get 10p off orders of 20 or more, for your efforts. Cheers, ironic newshounds!

*If you’ve emailed us something we haven’t used here, that’s because (a) it was rubbish, or (b) we’re saving it so we can take all the credit next week.

In shop form!

This is GamesMaster, a games shop located in war-torn Peckham, South London. We thought you might like to see GamesMaster and read a bit about Peckham, especially if you’re from America or a posher part of London (that’s all the rest of it) and have never been there.

NOTE TO FOREIGN READERS:
This is of interest to UK people because back in the early-to-mid-1990s there was a TV show about games on TV called “GamesMaster” that was really good, despite it never featuring enough Sega games in its challenges.

Peckham is a part of London people pretend doesn’t exist. It’s like a lump you find on your body, then ignore and hope it goes away on its own. The residents are scared to go outside, but at least they all have satellite TV for something to do!

Peckham is easily the shittest place in the whole world, including places like Afghanistan and Somalia.

Every time we walk through Peckham we expect to get offered drugs, murdered for drugs, searched for drugs or ground up into powder and used as drugs.

There’s an arcade in Peckham, but we were too scared to go in it as we had our digital camera with us. Knowing Peckham, we didn’t miss much. It probably hasn’t even got Daytona USA in!

If you have shoes that cost more than ten pounds in Peckham you are considered to be a KING.

This is where people from Peckham buy their clothes. You can get a pair of work trousers for around 50p in Primark, apparently, and you get flu and nits for free!

This is Peckham’s idea of a shopping centre. Walking into it feels like being a homosexual and walking into a bar in Texas with a pink t-shirt on. Even in the North of England, like Watford or Hemel Hempstead they have nicer shopping centres than this.

Here, in the sphincter of the sphincter of London, there lies a shop called GamesMaster. We didn’t ask if it is officially licensed from the Channel 4 show or Future Publishing magazine of the same name, we just assumed it is not.

The chances of anyone from Channel 4 or GamesMaster production company Hewland or mag publisher Future ever venturing into Peckham are pretty fucking remote, so we guess they’re safe from getting sued.

Apart from now.

There’s not many people buying things in GamesMaster in Peckham. That’s because if you buy anything in Peckham you get it stolen off you immediately as you leave. It’s like a really harsh tax system designed to keep the poor in their place (Peckham).

GamesMaster in Peckham isn’t on the mailing lists for getting up to date point-of-sale display materials, so they have to make their own out of paper and marker pens.

But it does have the internet! Recent surveys suggest that up to three percent of people who live in Peckham have got the internet, so this is great for the local community.

We are leaving Peckham and still have our digital camera! You stupid idiots! Don’t you know how much drugs you can swap a Sony DSC-W1 for?!

After being in Peckham, every day is a bonus. It’s like we have realised how joyous life can be when you’re not in Peckham and are starting afresh. Look! We took a photo of the sky just to celebrate being alive! Life not in Peckham is great! Oh, and they should bring back GamesMaster on TV.

The Sega Homestar is a planetarium for the 21st Century Home! You lie on the floor in a dark room and look at the ceiling, which is great because we do that all the time anyway!

We don’t know anything else about it than this, because everything else about it on its web page is in Japanese.

The web site makes no mention of games for it, but if it did they’d be (a) Golden Axe, (b) Columns and (c) Streets of Rage 1.

HOMESTAR

There will be a two-pronged attack on Japanese consumers when Xbox 360 launches, to ensure success in the territory:

MARKETING PLAN ONE: Bill Gates is to appeal to the Japanese work ethic by highlighting how hard he’s been personally toiling on the Xbox 360 programme. The polite Japanese people will hopefully then buy the machine to avoid Bill feeling the shame of business failure.

If that fails, MARKETING PLAN TWO is to say how the wireless networking adaptor looks a bit like an iPod Shuffle. IT WILL NOT FAIL!

Fans of urban combat games well catered for in day-one release schedule:

PlayStation 3 — it’s for *everyone* that likes to buy urban combat video games based in real cities!

This is something everyone does, and this week — YES! ONE HAS! Well done to Giovanna Cosentino from Italy, for blagging herself some sort of PR job to replace the previous PR job she blagged.

This is what she looks like, or more likely, what she looked like at an ABBA concert in 1982:

NOTE TO SELF: Email DDE re. possible product coverage on low-profile satirical games industry weblog mostly about Sega. Remember to delete the anti-women posts before she sees.

This just in from our Japanese correspondent in downtown Japanland:

This is where we’ve been going wrong. We’ve been not dressing like Darth Vader enough.

…because every time one opens her mouth with more than five people present, the cause of “People taking women seriously” is set back by ten years. Or in the case of the new Harry Potter book, eight hundred and fifty nine years, seven months, four days and eight and a half minutes.

Bought it, read it on the train yesterday. The first spelling mistake is on page 42, the first grammatical error not long after and our brain was climbing down our throat to give our organs a good kicking by the seven thousanth instance of the word “Said.”

Sorry this isn’t about games or masturbation or mobile phones. We felt that special dispensation was required, as even by ROWLING’S standards this one’s what she might describe as “A fizzy-gravy firkin with a chuff chowder chaser” (along with anyone else who graduated from the Charles Dickens School Of Things That Sound Hilarious To Four Year Olds).