Anyone who works for a company that’s so desperate to make money it has to sign a licensing deal with the Crazy Frog.

Like, for example, “the German software publisher dtp” which “has acquired the rights to the Crazy Frog from the licensing agency Wallaroo” which means that “the product will be released during the upcoming Christmas season and supported by various merchandising and PR activities.”

“Hi Steve, it’s Jack. Jamster says ‘Yes’ to the deal, but says we all have to suck its malformed penis first. I said that would be OK.”

London, June 13

Joytech, the UK’s leading peripherals manufacturer, is proud to announce the launch of the XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER (TM), a must for any safety-conscious video gamer.

“Don’t run the risk of your Xbox catching on fire and leaving you out in the street in only some old pants while all your memories burn thanks to your Xbox, get the Joytech XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER (TM) for when the inevitable happens” no one from Joytech ever said because this is obviously just a rubbish joke.

XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER (TM) FEATURES:

Range of fun and funky clip-on nozzles.

Foam spray for safe electrical fire dampening.

50 litre capacity.

Vibrating handle puts you at the heart of the fire like no other extinguisher.

Don’t get killed by a burning Xbox. Joytech.

Including “PS3lover.com” on Buy It Now for 2500 dollars. This just underlines (a) how rubbish we are at making money out of the internet, and (b) how many stupid people there are in general.

*CHECKS ON NETNAMES TO SEE IF PS3SUCKSASS.COM IS AVAILABLE*

eBay – PS3 domain, Other Hardware Services, Computers Networking items at low prices

…so says this FANTASTIC VISION OF A POSSIBLE FUTURE found on Gamepal, a site that lets you “rent” characters to experience life as a superior character in most major MMORPGs.

The most unrealistic representation of PC gamers EVER.

GamePal – Internet Gaming Services

Submitted by a reader who’s well into the hacking scene.

THE SLIDE CARD TECHNIQUE
Insert slide card into one of the small holes on top of PSP, take novelty Christmas flashing key ring, press button to initiate excruciatingly poor rendition of Jingle Bells, hold against IR Sensor for 3.6785 seconds EXACTLY, eject game. Put game back in again. Eject game. Put game back in again. Move the slide card about a bit. Wonder why nothing’s happening. Play special HAXXORED .mp3 for a bit, but it doesn’t do much. Sigh, give up, turn PSP off. Turn it back on. It doesn’t work. Panic, run about the room turning the PSP on and off wailing ‘OH SHIT I’VE JUST SPENT £250 IMPORTING SOMETHING AND I’VE ALREADY BLEEDING BROKEN BECAUSE I WANTED TO PLAY SONIC 2 ON THE BUS, SHIT SHIT SHIT’. Swap memory card over to the other one you were press ganged into buying in Dixons by Dave, who INSISTED this would work. PSP turns on normally, let out massive sigh of relief. Cautiously start the Mega Drive emulator. It’s working! It’s loading! Crow with joy! Choose Sonic The Hedgehog 2.bin, tears welling up in your eyes as the hallowed name flashes across the screen, SEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. But wait. It’s not flashing. It’s crawling. Realize it’s half FUCKING speed and games ten years ago were RUBBISH anyway. Fling PSP into a corner in a tantrum and cry.

We are yet to confirm this works.

As the idiotic speculation/fabrication/LIES about Nintendo’s Revolution controller reach new depths of utter stupidity and headline-grabbing desperation, a keen-eyed reader spotted what COULD be the Nintendo Revolution Controller at a top secret test location in Bournemouth:

The joke’s actually on THE ENTIRE INTERNET, because we don’t give a cripple’s toss about Nintendo any more!

“There is nothing much to report on the audio front this time” says Bizarre audio ace Nick Wiswell, speaking to the internet today, reporting on the progress of Gotham 3’s sound from his little studio — which we can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL contains a big Chao plush.

We think he’s probably already finished doing the sound, and now just spends most of his day on the internet. How hard can it be to tape record a few exhaust pipes?

(Photo inside) BizarreOnline.net – Smell that television!

How many did you spot?

ANSWERS:
1. “Tough cop” Jack Slate
2. Slow motion dives
3. Dual wielding
4. Exploding barrels
5. “Dockside” location with containers
6. Bad guy in suit
7. Tattoos hinting at darker side of hero

Quiz! How many tired and boring old video game cliches can YOU spot in this screenshot of Namco’s abysmal Dead to Rights sequel for PSP?

Answer tomorrow!

Our last post on Xbox 360 Gotham 3 wasn’t meant to be cynical or anything, it was us doing a *GENUINELY ENTHUSIASTIC SMILEY FACE* about how great Gotham 3 is looking. We *liked* the tarmac! We want to drive around on our own for AT LEAST AN HOUR, just looking at the tarmac! Seriously! Why don’t people ever believe us when we’re being genuinely enthusiastic? *PROBABLY ONLY GOT OURSELVES TO BLAME FOR THAT SMILEY FACE*

THIS IS WHAT WE’LL DO:
We’ll drive into a corner really fast, skid, then drive another lap to see if the tyre marks we’ve just put down are still there. That’s always a great test and quite a fun way to spend an evening once you’ve got all your wanking out of the way.

Anyway… the Gotham 3 Development Blog thing has been updated, now showing the SHEER AWESOMENESS of the WHEELS:

We played Gotham 2 for five hours a night over, like, four months or something crazy like that, and are REALLY REALLY LOOKING FORWARD to Gotham 3. We are being genuinely enthusiastic for once. We apologise for any confusion or discomfort this may cause.

*GENUINELY ENTHUSIASTIC YET SIMULTANEOUSLY SAD THAT NO ONE BELIEVES US SMILEY FACE*

GO HERE AND BE NICE:
Bizarre Online’s latest post about how GENUINELY AWESOME the wheels of the Gotham 3 cars are going to be can be found here: BizarreOnline.net – Pumpkins are fun…