Direct from Japan! See Sonic Happy Meal Game expert BUST Tails Football in ONE MINUTE! Awesome reflexes! Pure speed! See the game PLAYED TO COMPLETION in 1:03!!

Download video file HERE! [6.9mb avi]

Yes, Gizmondo has a WHOLE SHOP all to itself on London’s Regent Street. It’s as stupid an idea as an undersea supermarket. Or a shop that only sells pre-chewed pen lids. Or a shop you go in to catch flu. Or a colon cancer booth. Or an MP3 player that won’t play all of an album’s tracks in a row.

ANYWAY…
So we went to the Gizmondo shop for two reasons; to see if it really exists or was just a joke, and if it DOES really exist, to see what kind of people would go in it.

IT EXISTS!
Wow. It’s all new and clean. Just like the Apple store, only not selling anything you aspire to own. It’ll still be new and clean when they board it up in a couple of months, too! And look! There’s a person actually inside it! (NOTE: that is NOT our reflection).

A CONFUSED TOURIST!
No, the Queen’s house is near Green Park. No, Tony Blair lives nearer Westminster. No, I’m not Robbie Williams. We probably should’ve told the poor man that the Apple store with all the iPods is just around the corner.

SOME STAFF!
There were four, but three ran away when we started taking photos. What is that man thinking? Does he think he’s on the bleeding-edge of a new-media revolution? Or is he worried that there’s only one person in the shop apart from some idiot taking photos, which means he’s probably going to be sacked in about two months when the money runs out? If it’s the latter he’s too good to be working there and should start a Blog about the comedic Gizmondo cash-squandering.

SURGING QUEUES OF RABID EARLY ADOPTERS!
Or… just one man half-heartedly playing a game because he has nowhere else to be and nothing else to do. This is what games industry parties are like, only we’re sober and not standing next to Richard Melville.

A TRENDY LOUNGE!
This is where the models will sit for the photoshoots, when they have a party to celebrate actually selling one to someone.

WIDE RANGE OF GAMES!
The shelf next to it had a similar row of Fathammer Classics — the ‘other’ Gizmondo game currently out to buy.

MORE COMING SOON!
Here’s an annoying fact. We went to the shop last week on a recon mission, at which time there was a game called “Sega Classics Collection” in this Coming Soon section. “That’ll make a good photo!” we thought, thinking how we could possibly say the Gizmondo is the best thing ever because it’s got Sega games. But then it wasn’t here when we returned to take the photos.

SUMMARY…
A picture speaks a thousand words. The word is “HA” repeated 1000 times.

Time for another (NOT AT ALL BASED ON OUR REAL LIFE IN ANY WAY WE PROMISE) Employee of the Week. This one was submitted in the form of a handwritten note by UKR groupie “Alleycat”, so if you meet us in real life don’t say this is your favourite thing you’ve ever seen on the site.

Probably the greatest bargain in the entire history of videogames. Head to Play.com and do your bit for charity.

It’s worth £1000. And all your CHILDREN.

For today, it was either another one of these stupid things no one (a) gets or (b) reads or something needlessly aggressive about the Gizmondo ad spamming service. But we’ve already written some SEETHING and completely unnecessary Giz-hate for the weekend (teaser trailer!) so we’ll let it pass. For 24 hours at least.

Hmm, what clues can be gleaned about the form and function of Xbox 2 from this posting lifted from the ourcolony.net Xbox 2 viral marketing web site?

An animal? Inside a ball? Being steered around a series of mazes? We’re no experts on intellectual property laws, but Hamsterball seems a little too close to a well-known Sega thing-in-a-ball rolling franchise for comfort.

AND WHILE THEY’RE DOWN…

Worst idea of 2005 Entry #2: The Mouse Police
It’s at a budget price, but WHAT PRICE DIGNITY? Even two-year-olds would rather play games about smoking crack and kicking prostitues in the “fanny” than friendly cartoon mice.

“The cheese store has been robbed. This is a case for Agent Chester” says the press release, written in the least-enthusiastic tone possible. The sort of tone you use when your dad tells you about the new road signs they’ve put up.

Mind you, if we had to write press releases about a game about mice stealing cheese as our main job, we’d find it hard to be enthusiastic too. Read more about the Mouse Police.

Finally! After a 16-year wait it’s the sensational return of… Doctor Zorg!

Hide behind those sofas, kids!

Due to overwhelming public demand (one email and someone asking if we were the ones that used to do those “alien jokes”) we’ve decided to make this week Employee of the Week Week. That is, we’ll be doing a new “alien joke” every day, each slightly less funny than the last as a clever metaphor for the video games industry.

As well as having a gun, Shadow The Hedgehog will “develop his mastery of Chaos energy allowing him to slow down enemies and rewind time”.

Sadly, we’re yet to see any publicity material refering to this as “The Fastest Sonic Game Yet”. Or “The Worstest Sonic Game Yet”.

Mod stuff.

Play as Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Drive cars with guns on.

Gang-bang rival crews.