Last week, the week ending November 20 2004, OutRun2 was officially more popular than Burnout 3 in the UK. Hooray for slow-building IP awareness. And fuck off Burnout!

Small victories like this are all we have left.

Idle Thumbs asked us for a quote on OutRun2 for their review. We joined in and sent the following and its accompanying image, which they actually went and used. Being friends with other web sites is fun!

“Notice the beautiful symmetry between the player’s car and Wolf’s, as the two drivers engage in a Kafka-esque battle to avoid the social alienation afforded to the defeated and broken loser. The smoke trails from the tyres are the billowing transparency of the human soul, a soul this game sets free to disseminate and soar high upon the wind and look down on this cacophony of colour from the heavens above. The cones stand by, silently and ominously regarding the action as dread, brave sentries that serve as a symbolic reminder of past glorious and a Byzantine warning of what may threaten the unwary and the complacent. To play OutRun2 is to live and breathe again! To love and be set free by love!”

If you have a web site and want to be friends with us, email in and ask us to do something for you. It doesn’t matter if we’ve previously said you’re shit or a wanker or something like that, we’re much nicer nowadays (clean for ten weeks).

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Which reminds us. We wrote loads of these ‘arty’ OutRun2 reviews a few weeks ago, back when we were manic and really obsessed with it.

These are leftovers from an abandoned “OutRun2 is Art Week” we never got round to doing. It would’ve been a good week, where we — hilariously! — would’ve reviewed OutRun2 like it was an incredible artwork.

But sometimes even we can have enough of OutRun2.

The windmill. Symbol of industry, its firm shoulders supporting the blades which once fanned the flames of a thousand fallen empires. See how it gazes and smiles, its comforting, eternal presence negating the transient nature of the game experience, simultaneously enthralling and reassuring the player of their part in this glorious history. The windmill speaks not, but sees everything, turning its wings to the blue sky and absorbing all that happens. Should you pass through the windmill’s shadow, you shall never be forgotten. Your heart shall never die as long as the mighty wind powers the turbines of this land’s heart. Your driving shall be recorded on the millstones that transcend all time and shall be replayed as long as the wind blows. Go! Drive faster, young spirit! Your time here is so brief. So very brief.

The fleeting and precious nature of life is epitomised by the ever-ticking Checkpoint timer. 58! 57! Rush, young thing, for your life is short and before you know it shall be in its autumn years. 56! 55! Quicken your mind and heart, open your eyes and bathe in the light and colour that fills even the darkest winter day. 54! 53! Hurry, my sweet! For your tender arms shall know no other embrace once the time limit on your stay here reaches the zero hour. 52! 51! Drive! Set yourself free and live for every joyous second! Do not pause or rest! Rush fast and see everything at 148 miles an hour! Be fast! Hitch up thy breasts! Depress thy clutch! Force thy pedal to the floor as hard as is humanly possible! Don’t let sadness overtake your dreams.

The blood-red car shines, its liquid skin reflecting the sins of its owner. Is this corner the last one you shall take, or does it lead to a warm bath of victory and ever-lasting adulation? Our heart burns, our fingers bleed, our minds full of danger and revenge. To be safe is good enough, but to be dangerous gorges the spirit within! Push the limits! Embrace death, for you shall meet it one way or another, and to crash and burn in a beautiful manner is surely the end you deserve! To kill or be killed? What evil lurks in the mind of your competitor? One shall burn, one shall stand triumphant. History will not record the manner of the fight, only the victor. Ram thy opponent into the embrace of the barriers! Fashion your own destiny! The meek will only be remembered by the cowardly.

This officially marks the end of our obsession with OutRun2.

The site’s been getting a bit gay recently what with all the homosexual stalking references. Allow us to redress the balance with a new Employee of the Week. It’s a picture of a woman. Because we like women. Not men. Despite the way we cross our legs and pout when sitting down.

This is the sort of thing we like and spend most of our time looking at, NOT the faces of sleeping men.

A late night snack at UK:R HQ has resulted in an event of potentiallly biblical proportions. Whilst preparing several rounds of toast — one of which was to have been coated with a yeast based extract, a member of staff noted what appeared to be an image of a male face on one partially burnt slice. Further examination revealed the face to be none other than the heralded Sega music producer Richard Jacques! We tried to call Richard to ask him if he is the Second Coming, but his phone kept ringing and going on to answerphone. So we tried again and the same thing happened. Then we tried again but it said the phone was switched off. Why does Richard’s phone never work when we call him?

Joytech has cracked it. Here’s the simple formula that turns the embarrassment wheel of shame into the sort of aspirational lifestyle product we’d like to wear around our necks on a pretty little chain at society parties:

1. Get steering wheel.
2. Get woman.
3. Tell woman photo shoot is for “lifestyle product” (DON’T MENTION IT’S FOR A STEERING WHEEL).
4. Take photos of woman and steering wheel separately (DON’T LET WOMAN SEE STEERING WHEEL).
5. Combine woman and wheel in Photoshop some days later, creating the impression that woman likes wheel and doesn’t mind being photographed alongside wheel.
6. Tell woman the negatives got lost in post and that’s why you can’t send her any prints.

She’s not looking at the wheel. She’s not holding the wheel. She thinks this was an advert for Bacardi Breezers. She has been lied to and feels empty. Welcome to our world.

A reader writes; “For a “Pro” Sega site (well it seems that way anyways) you ignore Sega’s little game called Pocket Kingdom for the N-Gage“.

“Seriously, here is a game that no one has heard of for a system that no one owns… They even speak in 1337 for chrissakes! Doesn’t that have plenty of Humour potential for UK:R?”

Yes, it certainly does!

Hot on the heels of the EA Spouse story comes this 100% genuine report from a disgruntled Sega Europe employee.

Speaking to UKR, the Sega worker complained that “one of the lifts is broken, and we’re on the fifth floor” — a damning indictment of Sega Europe’s facilities management systems and a massive indignity for the hard-working staff. Legal challenges must surely be imminent.

Sega’s UK headquarters — currently undergoing severe lift problems. Stay here for more internal Sega news as it breaks.

What’s Rich doing at the moment?

03:55am — Richard is sleeping.

If anything could convert us to foot fetishism it’s Lovely Kasumi and her fuck me shoes.

Tomorrow: Probably nothing!

This sort of thing used to turn us on, before we became too full of self-pity to get erections any more.

Tomorrow: Kasumi’s sexy feet!