“I’m not a marketing manager, I’m a TV presenter”

Look. It’s Dom in a peculiar outfit presenting a show about games. Despite the slimming effect of the fat-man-goatee, eagle-eyed viewers will note Dom’s increased bulk signals this is taken from his new show When Games Attack, starting on Bravo this November.

At least he still has his dignity (unlike Andy Crane, last seen looking “gaunt and unwell” on a satellite shopping channel 18 months ago.

IDEA: Rate My ‘Rate My’ site
CONCEPT: A rating site that invites viewers to rate different rating sites.
WHY NOT: Would require extensive html/Photoshop work.

IDEA: Ronseal Publishing
CONCEPT: Game boxes in a Ronseal “does what it says” style.
WHY NOT: This must’ve been done before. If not with games, then at least with music — Ronseal Recordings; “Rubbish garage beat with some idiot teenager rapping over the top”?

IDEA: GNI reviews
CONCEPT: An IGN-style review of something extremely mundane, spread over 14 pages of excruciatingly detailed and long-winded prose. Like IGN. That’s the joke.
WHY NOT: We’d have to write the 14 pages.

IDEA: Blatant racism
CONCEPT: We use this photo of some black teenagers on stage at Game Stars, and say that “Dancing Black People” was the show’s most popular exhibit.
WHY NOT: This isn’t the 1930s. Could lead to possible PR nightmare.

We’ve just seen this. Only slightly more pretentious than a GamesTM feature on how the Commodore 64’s function keys were criminally under-used by developers, it’s nice to know that, in the global scheme of things, we’re actually surprisingly near the ‘normal’ end of the games-playing spectrum.

Students, eh?

George Bush, doing something stupid because he is stupid.

To celebrate the launch of its pink GBA (BECAUSE IT’S FOR GIRLS), Nintendo took the unusual step of sending out two press releases, both concentrating on hair! shoes! shopping! handbags! sitting at bus stops! and everything else girls do (apart from having headaches).

Pink GBA Press Release #1:

GO GO GADGET GIRLS
Out with the shoes, bags and earrings and in with the games console! As girls are increasingly embracing the world of gaming, Nintendo has announced the launch of the Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition. Coming to the United Kingdom on 29th October 2004, the stylish new gadget is set to take ‘girls and gaming’ to a whole new level.

A new breed of ‘gadget girl’ is emerging, and it is all about style. To mark the rise of this gadget girl, Nintendo has announced that they are launching a dusty pink variation of the legendary Game Boy Advance SP, just for girls.

Already a hit with Kate Moss, Claudia Schiffer and Christina Aguilera, the Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition is small enough to slip into handbags everywhere and offers girls hours of entertainment – wherever they are! On the bus, on the tube, in the hairdressers – girls will be able to play their Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition whenever they need entertaining.

Wow! Finally we have something in common with Christina Aguilera! When we send her really long, rambling, bleeding-heart emails about how we just want to be her friend, we can mention how we’ve got a GBA too which means she should DEFINITELY meet us for lunch seeing as we’ve got so much in common we’re PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON!

Pink GBA Press Release #2:

PINK IS THE NEW BLACK
The Game Boy Advance SP, adored by A-list celebrities all over the globe, just got the ultimate makeover. The all-new Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition is due to take the style world by storm, available across the UK on 29th October 2004.

The Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition will match your favourite shoes and handbag, and is so stylish it will turn heads wherever you go. And all this packed into something so small and sleek it could pass as a compact mirror! Already seen in the hands of style icons Kate Moss, Claudia Schiffer and Christina Aguilera, it can now make its way into handbags across Britain.

The Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition offers hours of entertainment, always by your side in your hour of need. You need never grow bored in a fitting room queue, hairdressers or at a bus stop again. This handy pocket sized gadget with the flip top and integrated lit screen will alleviate hours of finger twiddling with over 500 games already available.

Remember that in this context “seen in the hands of” means “we posted one to their publicist” and “hours of finger twiddling” probably doesn’t mean wanking.

“Hold this while I take a photo, love”. She’s not even holding it right. And they wonder why we hate women so much.

We went there after one thing. One shot, one specific photograph, one moment of magic — and got it. Was it a booth babe’s pants? An ironic photo of a man taking an ironic photo of men taking photos of girls? No. It was this. We couldn’t believe our eyes, and luck, at seeing a wild Retro-Man in his natural habitat.

If you like retro games, this is you. Even if you are thin, this is you on the inside. You will forever be morbidly obese and playing Tron in the minds of women.

Game Stars Live — where 20,000 school kids are currently finding out that you don’t get given “free games” from Sony just for turning up — is happening now. Here’s what’s on the UKR stand! Don’t forget to pop in to pretend you’re our friends for a brief, awkward and painful five-minute chat!

Tune Tune TunerStars
Tune up for the ultimate tuning sim! Tune everything, tune it again, tune that, tune the subsequent settings then tune it all again as part of a well-tuned tuning team to win the (tuneable) TunerStars Tuning Tunionship! Tunes by upcoming garage star MC Tweaker. And girls with chequered flags! (tuneable colours).

Slow Game For Old Men
You play Mythrusrusrusrus, on a quest for the 1,889,999 really well hidden dark swords. Honestly, you’ll have to click on every pixel. It’ll take a year to do, but that’s OK, isn’t it? You’ve got to do something before you die. Xbox exclusive.

STOP! Men of Police Enforcers
You’ve got a CAR and a GUN. And we made some cities with two buildings you can ACTUALLY GO INSIDE. So off you go. That’s a game nowadays, isn’t it? That’ll be £45 please, you IDIOTS. “9/10 — Zany Console Planet”

Some Interactive Thing That’s Probably Meant For Pre-school Girls
Just because we don’t understand how waving at something (to music) is supposed to be a game doesn’t mean it won’t sell to 10 million youths.

The Acclaim 2004/5 Line-Up
Thanks to disgruntled ex-employees dumping code on Bittorrent we’ve just signed Juiced!

“So good it’s almost scary” — Those are the words of actress/model/Newsnight presenter Kelly Brook, on her inclusion in Need For Speed Underground 2. Over to EA’s PR-bot:

“Kelly takes on the role of Nikki, a rebellious and full throttled street racer who can really handle herself, looking as good out of the car as she does in it.

“Kelly said of the game “It’s amazing to see yourself transformed into a videogame character, EA did a great job making my character Nikki look like I do. I’m very excited to be a part of Need for Speed Underground 2 and I can’t believe how realistic videogames have become, the sense of speed and graphics are so good it’s almost scary.”

This is good news because these are her tits:

We must stop EA buying OUR WOMEN.

Two of the most depressing, soulless and miserable things in the world are combining at Gamestars Live — the despairingly popular trend of “retro gaming” and the abysmal “lifestyle branding” of the JoystickJunkies — represented in unison at the JoystickJunkies Retro Lounge.

If ever we were to lose control in a public place and start talking to people in real life like we do on the internet (saying “he’s a fucking cunt” and “you’re a TWAT with gay hair” instead of “sorry” and “would you like a cup of tea?”) this’d be where it’d happen.

Mind you, we’ll still drink their free beer (because this means we win, as it incurs them expense without gaining any positive coverage in return for the trendier-than-thou rapers of gaming history).