Here are all those ‘lifestyle’ photographs Microsoft released yesterday, uploaded as part of our public service remit. Presumably these are mainly meant for those Southern European territories who buy consoles based on stuff like this.
Let’s start with the most realistic. Tired old woman pretending to join in. Podgy man. The child they finally conceived after five painful years of IVF treatment. The console they bought her because she’s so special she can have anything she wants (she actually wanted a Wii).
Older man, two young boys. Woman in background pretending not to notice. Nothing says UNDERGROUND DUTCH PAEDOPHILE RING more than this.
Girls on left is playing with LIPS. Man on right is trying to get better look at girl’s LIPS. Whichever Microsoft employee picked the name LIPS is going to find themselves put in charge of overseeing Excel development in Eastern Europe after this mess.
Never before have we wanted to be a ginger teenager.
He’s moving in with the elbow. He’s going for the Accidental Tits Elbow!
Accidental Tits Elbow with a twist! Sensational! There’ll be semen everywhere in his bedroom tonight!
She noticed. Whoops. Now he won’t be able to look at a girl again until he’s 34.
Photograph taken from the graphic novel titled WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO MODERN VIDEO GAMING?
“Hooray! You both let me win because you want to try and have sex with me later!”
Now they have moved onto the casual quiz game.
Nobody knew the answer. It was in the cinema before they were even born, so it’s not their sweet, young faults.
How unrealistic. That controller’s not even plugged in. Terrible.
These photos are definitely meant for Europe. That’s the most European selection of children possible.
By “European” we mean healthy and happy looking. English children sit there being fat and sad in official football shirts.
They’re not leaning into each other enough.
That’s better. That’s ROCK AND ROLL, and, by extension, COOL MODERN VIDEO GAMES FOR ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.
Frequency was ten times better, and you could sit down.
“…and you turn around, that’s what it’s all about – HEY!”
Now he’s blown any chance he may have had by getting the steering wheel out and insisting they play Forza 2 for a bit.
