“More things that kinda look like a dreamcast logo… my curtains. Not very exciting, but there you go. Lots of love, SolidGoldChimp.”

Not very exciting? NOT VERY EXCITING?! The appearance of the HOLY SIGN upon a pair of HUMBLE CURTAINS is surely a portent that the fabled RE-ENTRY TO THE HARDWARE MARKET is imminent! E3 2008 is only about six weeks away!!

“It has been agreed that production of both Eight Days and The Getaway will cease immediately due to the redistribution of resources and budget. This decision was made following an internal review of all games and it was deemed that with the incredibly strong list of exclusive first party titles coming up both this year and in the near future, resource should be reallocated to enhance those projects closer to completion” – Sony Europe, June 4 2008.

LIE.

LIE.

LIE.

LIE.

This is what The Getaway 3 actually looks like. The loss of The Getaway is a significant WIN for the forces of LIGHT and TRUTH. The previous two Getaways were the favourite games of millions of stupid PS2 owners who didn’t mind products that crashed constantly and had control systems that didn’t function. Now the traditional Sony “moron pound” will not be heading PS3’s way.

At least it shows Sony is starting to be a bit more honest. Usually, when it realises it’s wasted millions on a piece of shit, it shoves it out there anyway, relying on a few 8/10s from official magazines and their dependent unofficial parasitic twins to force it onto a few poor, unsuspecting punters.

Well done on admitting failure, Sony.

It was themed on past, present and future zones, just like Sonic CD :(

A seemingly innocent “casual” gaming scene. Until you look closer. Until you look at the horrors lurking on their feet.

Mum is wearing special slippers.

The daughter is wearing the very same special slippers. Plus she has bruised calves that indicate either (a) an active outdoor lifestyle or (b) a violent physical relationship with an older man who likes to hold her upside-down by her ankles.

The boy’s “shoes” are the oddest of the lot. It would appear they have drawn lines on his socks to create the illusion of him wearing the special sandals. What odd conspiracy have we uncovered here?

Dad got sandals. Do they come with the game?

The family. They must spend a fortune on batteries.

The man’s feet have wisely been covered up with socks. Not even the SICKEST internet perverts want to see the feet of men. They’re even uglier than seeing a ball bag flapping about during pornography feature films.

That’s more like. Hot, naked, Japanese woman feet.

Tights! Or, for the benefit of any American men who may have inadvertently found this page during a Google images masturbation session, PANTYHOSE.

And the feet of a child. Also wisely covered up.

“Spotted in New York, front of a ‘Guitar Center’ shop. I have no idea who those guys are, but maybe they were cool and famous in the 80s. Pretty much like Sonic – Omar.”

The last one saves it. A T&A rule-invoking 7/10.

“I really think you need to post this photo on your site, but unfortunately Richard Jacques wasn’t there to grab my ass this time. And as you can see I’ve given up the heroin ;) Which may put you off, but if you’re lucky I could ask Rich to grab your ass in return – ‘Ulala’.”

This, of course, is the CG trailer for Motorstorm 2. This is what they SAID it would look like. Some people may have actually believed this!

And here’s the game. This is what it really looks like. There’s a bit of a difference. The sort of difference that some might say is downright CRIMINAL and a deliberately misleading act by a DESPERATE company on the brink of losing everything.

This is also the game. Note that even covering the image with blur effects cannot mask the 1996-standard blotchy brown ground texture. As a last roll of the dice before extinction, this is a pathetic attempt.

You’re not winning us over by putting hot air balloons in it. Created by Evolution Studios. Or, as we shall now insist they are called, Devolution Studios. Or perhaps even Final Solution Studios, such is the horrific nature of the scheme it is planning to unleash.

Seven of them, at a cost of at least £100 an hour each. And the one at the bottom-right is probably even as much as £150. The stops have been pulled out.