Archive for 2006:

MICROSOFT IS PUTTING A PC IN A DIFFERENT KIND OF BOX

Only it’s calling it the “Origami Project” so people think it’s really cool, like something from Apple.

To celebrate having the idea of putting a PC in a different kind of box, Microsoft has spent 150 million dollars on making a viral flash web site:

Yes. You’re that thing that’s going to be like a slow old PC in a different kind of box.

Yes. You’re going to be able to do all the things PCs can, only everything will be slightly harder because you won’t have a mouse.

Yes. We can go to wi-fi hotspots and wonder why no one ever sends us sexy messages on MSN.

Yes. We’ll be a bit more worried about being mugged than usual because you’re in our bag and you cost a lot of money.

Learn what processor you’ve got, how many USB2.0 sockets you’ve got and what version of Windows you use. Dying to meet you! xx

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WARNING! FAKE “CHEESE” MERCHANDISE IN CIRCULATION

We got this so-called “Cheese” chao keyring from eBay, because we like Cheese. He’s Cream’s friend so is therefore also our friend! It says “Sonic X” and “Cheese” on the front of the box:

Cheese eBay shame

Looks like any old chao to the casual observer…

NOT CHEESE :(

BUT THIS IS NOT CHEESE! Cheese wears a red bow tie and has a “smiling mouth”. What we’ve got here is a Sonic Adventure chao that’s been shamefully rebranded as “Cheese” to cash-in on the success of the Sonic X cartoon.

BE VIGILANT :(((((

Cheese wasn’t even born (invented) in the year 2000, and he was born in Mobius not China. This has been sitting in a warehouse for six years waiting to be resold. They’re pulling the wool over the eyes of consumers. This is a simple warning to all Cheese fans out there.

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GIZMONDO EMPLOYEE SPEAKS OUT!

Bring on the spurned! Now that Gizmondo has been revealed as the senior management cash-hoovering disgrace that it was always clearly designed to be, the poor, disgruntled staff are breaking cover with their tales.

Our first Gizmondo employee to speak – hopefully the first of many – is anonymous anonymous person ‘Mr Anonymous’ (not his real name).

These words were typed in by an actor.

Hi! I was working in QA at Gizmondo for 8 months before getting offered a new job 3 days before they fired us all :)

I dunno if this will be of any interest to you but you might be amused to hear that I got paid late on about 5 of those months because they just didn’t have the money to pay us (apart from that one time their bank manager made a mistake and they showed us all a copy of the letter from the bank manager so we would actually believe them). So for about a week every month or so, the Gizmondo QA department among others would refuse to do any work until we got paid. Some of us had to borrow money from petty cash just to afford to make it into work on several occasions.

When I joined it was a whole development studio (used to be Warthog) and they had some cool sounding games in production which probably would have been the best games on there, but obviously when they realised no money was coming in after the launch they thought making good games was going to be too expensive and ‘downsized’ by firing their developers leaving just a rather demoralised QA department.

Other than that, we all had a hilarious time hearing about the CEO paying his wife for marketing consultancy and paying us out of his own pocket when funds were low. Especially when we then later read headlines like “Former Gizmondo executive’s mafia convictions revealed”! Of course any news we heard about the company’s finances ended up on the internet long before we were told anything.

As for the games, I think the only game I really enjoyed playing was SSX which is probably better on every other platform anyway. It’s a shame they never got chance to release the augmented reality games using the camera cause they were ace. Or you know… finishing their flagship game Colours might have helped their sales a bit. Everyone likes GTA clones!

Also please say hi to all the great people from Gizmondo QA who all read this site religiously!

Keep me anonymous please, I’m not sure what I can still be sued for…

Thanks, Mr Anonymous (not his real name)! Did YOU work for Gizmondo? If so, please get in touch. We’d particularly like to hear from the following:

  • Anyone who used to work in the shop, particularly the people who said they remember the day we came in to take our photos and are apparently blaming UKR for killing the console.
  • Anyone who used to post on the official Gizmondo forum – to this day we remain convinced you were all paid employees embarking upon rudimentary “viral marketing”.
  • Anyone else who got bummed by the Gizmondo scam. Bulletproof anonymity assured.
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    EVEN OUR OWN POPUPS ARE TAKING THE PISS OUT OF US NOW

    It’s like a random selection of our most-used words… BUT IT’S A CAR! Sadly, being a car means we have to break our lifetime habit of buying everything with the word “Saturn” on it just so we can put it on the kitchen table and smile at it.

    Not even if the Yes Car Credit girl came and had it off with us.

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    “WE GOT SHITFACED AND LEFT THE DS STYLUS IN THE PUB AGAIN”

    These are our top five improvised DS touchpens rated on functional use, preparation needed and cost to replace.

    5 – HOUSE KEY

    PREPARATION: None
    USE: Pretty duff really. Too small to see what you’re doing, and scratches the screen up something rotten. You can file the sharp bits off using the edge of the kerb. but then you can’t get back in your house any more.
    COST TO REPLACE: All your dignity when you have to call the landlord at chucking out time because you got shitfaced and left the key in the pub instead, plus the locksmith’s callout charge and expenses.

    4 – TOOTHPICK

    PREPARATION: Cleaning the scotch egg off it so people don’t think you’re scum
    USE: Average. Hurts your hand after a while because it’s too thin, then you drop it and can’t pick it up because people would think you were REALLY odd if you picked up a lost toothpick.
    COST TO REPLACE: Practically none.

    3 – THE FRAME OF AN AIRFIX MODEL BROKEN UP A BIT

    PREPARATION: You have to wiggle it a lot to break a stylus-sized bit off it, then chew the end a bit to get the sharp bits off which ends up with you getting a mouthful of plastic.
    USE: Very good. Light, small, customisable and enjoyable. Sadly lots of fun to play with too, though, so you’ll probably absentmindedly snap it in half the next time Fifty Cent comes on your television.
    COST TO REPLACE: Variable.

    2 – AN ACTUAL PEN

    PREPARATION: None
    USE: Depends on the pen. With the biro bit clicked in, it’s perfectly functional for most games like Animal Crossing and Resident Evil which run on menus. For games that require more, precise touchpen control can be achieved by using the actual nib of the ballpen. This, however, leaves annoying but removable stains (much like most of the things we enjoy doing).
    COST TO REPLACE: Only the discomfort of having to explain where all the office biros have gone.

    1 – HALF A DISPOSABLE CHOPSTICK

    PREPARATION: A minute or so spent chewing it down to a point, and getting some SERIOUSLY worried looks on the train
    USE: Shockingly, amazingly perfect. Not only is it practically weightless and easy to wield, but the soft wood makes it comfortable and satisfying to hold and use and equals absolutely minimal wear on your DS screen. Furthermore, carrying a chewed and jagged spike of wood around makes you look scary and mental so nobody will laugh at you for playing Nintendogs.
    COST TO REPLACE: A few pence if you buy a big pack of them.

    VERDICT: A surprise victory for Asian cutlery! Chopsticks – they’re not just for jamming viciously into your eye to take the pain of Xbox 360 away any more!

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    THE “H” TO THE “H” TO THE “G” TO THE “L” AND SO ON AND SO FORTH

    It’s the Hip-Hop Gaming League! The HHGL has even got Snoop Dogg involved, getting him to quite awkwardly read out some scripted lumps of dialogue about “playas” and “mo playas” coming together on Xbox Live.

    You should check out the movie, it makes this look good.

    Video Game Journalists, yesterday

    This is the HHGL’s fictional representation of the video games media. This is quite possibly the most wrong thing we’ve ever seen. For a start, there’s girls there and no one is morbidly obese and avoiding eye contact by staring at their notepads.

    They'd be raped to death in the queue to pick up the passes

    E3 isn’t really like this at all. In fact, you could describe it as the “polar opposite”.

    Too thin, too young, too female, too 'smiley'

    Is she the new staff writer on teamxbox.com, or a hired actress?

    Respect the logos

    If we were being cynical, we might suggest it’s all just a marketing circle-wank organised by companies with too much money to spend on targeting imaginary demographics.

    :(

    Next week is “Sprite Draft Week”.

    Hip-Hopocalypse

    The entire video disaster can be seen here. We sort of stole this link from Spong, but only because they said we should “do something on it”.

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    GIZMONDO SHOP BOARDED UP AS GOD INTENDED

    And to think it used to be such a bustling hive of activity when it opened less than a year ago.

    Gizmondo's flagship Regent Street embarrassment

    At least the management paid themselves several million dollars, so everything turned out OK! Thanks to OFFICIAL UKR SEGA SCOUT Tomleecee for the photo. It’s a good pic and it’s nice that the binman is in front of it. Adds depth and colour, that.

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    NOW’S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO LAUNCH OUR PS3 LIES ‘WIKI’

    We’ve got this thing running, which is a “wiki” you can edit with all your sightings of Sony’s AMAZING and BARE-FACED LIES about PlayStation3. Like, for example, the one from just today about it coming out in “Spring 2006” which, roughly speaking, is between four and 12 weeks away. It beggars belief, it really does, so let’s keep a record of it all for future generations.

    Simply go here and add any PS3 lies you’ve spotted Sony making in public, remembering to add some sort of “source” link for future reference.

    Hopefully some of you are clever developers that can fill us in on the complicated lies to do with “memory” and “processors” and things. We’ll look after the release date.

    Sony's PS3 Lies Wiki. See how it's packed with swearing already

    It’s a bit of a rubbish-looking page, but that’s because we don’t understand how wikis work and had to get someone else to make a free one on our behalf.

    IN OTHER HOUSE-KEEPING NEWS:

  • THIS is a link to our MySpace thing, featuring fictional example friend “Tom”. Watch it stagnate and eventually expire.
  • THIS is an Animal Crossing Wild World forum someone else set up. Watch it stagnate and eventually expire.
  • Permanent links to these have been added somewhere down to the right in that messy bit no one bothers looking at.

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    DO WE LIKE JAPAN OR NOT THIS WEEK?

    Let’s have a look at the mood-swingometer for an accurate reading.

    SONIC RUSH = PLUS 100 POINTS!

    ANIMAL CROSSING = PLUS 100 POINTS!

    SUDDEN TREND FOR SUPERHEROES THAT GET THEIR POWERS FROM MOBILE PHONES = SCRUB EVERY INCH OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY WITH BLEACH AND FIRE

    …and if this shit spreads past the Pacific rim, we’re talking orbital bombardment.

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    OUTRUN 2006 COAST TO COAST INTERVIEW — IN WHICH WE ASK THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ALL

    And the answer is ‘not yet’ and ‘it’s down to Microsoft’. Scroll down for the question. This took ages to type up so we’re going to force you to bloody read it all.

    SUMO DIGITAL, A.K.A. AM2-UK
    The MIGHTY Sumo Digital of UK-based OutRun2-programming fame granted us — stupid, rubbish us! — an interview about OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast on PSP, Xbox, PS2 and PC. So we thought up some questions and sent them off, which is how proper web sites like IGN and Gamespot work.

    OutRun 2006 on PSP, which is probably the one we'll be getting

    Proper web sites also place grabs between large chunks of text so the feature looks nicer.

    Here’s what we asked, followed immediately by what Sumo’s OutRun 2006 producer Steven Lycett (AKA “SOL off of the Internet”) said in reply.

    How’s the PS2 version of Coast 2 Coast going to look compared to the arcade-perfect GENIUS MAJESTY of last year’s Xbox OutRun2? (Don’t lie and say it’s going to be awesome if it isn’t, because we’ll be able to tell and then you’ll look bad.)

    Sol: If we hid the pads, and did some Pepsi challenge thing, then it would be split down the board I reckon. There are some subtle differences due to each consoles in-ability to do things the same way, but you’ve got to be some obsessed arcade fanatic with no social connections or a life to be able to really tell. Or work at Sumo – which is pretty much the same thing.

    When we inevitably compare the PS2 version to the Xbox version, what are we going to say are the main differences? (Bear in mind we HATE SONY like an abusive step-dad, so will pick up any minor differences and say they’re really big and obvious.)

    Sol: Reds are a bit redder. Something to do with bridge rectifiers. I was told about that by this American chap I spoke to on a forum once. Fog might be slightly less foggy – or foggier. Bloom (which is a fancy word for sunlight burning into the back of the retina) is slightly different – but shouldn’t make anyone weep over it. Biggest difference is the controllers, but we’ve tweaked them with the help of AM2 to keep the right feel and control.

    How do you go about converting an Xbox-based arcade game to PS2? Keep this brief, as no one’s really interested in knowing about this apart from us.

    Sol: It’s like re-packing your suitcase after two weeks on holiday. Although you should have the same amount of stuff, it doesn’t seem to want to go back in. Even if you’ve worn all the booze and drunk all the suntan. You just have to shut the lid and jump on it, or in our case, jump on the textures and models a bit. And music. And code. And other stuff. You’re not supposed to start a sentence with ‘And’ are you. But like that. Except it has to look the same, unlike a very squashed hat.

    ***THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF THEM ALL***

    Will the Xbox version work on Xbox 360? This is the most important question of them all, so please answer it like this is a serious interview for somewhere proper like IGN or Edge.

    Sol: Backwards compatibility is not something that works from our code – rather Microsoft has developed a software emulator that should make this happen at some point in the future. Should that be the case, it will be downloaded on Live or by visiting the Xbox.com website. I think at the moment the emulator doesn’t work with all games but Microsoft say they are going to fix it so everything works eventually. So we don’t know really; it’s out of our hands.

    How’s it going to look on PSP? Surely it’s an IMPOSSIBLE TASK? It’s like signing a contract to get an elephant in a shoebox! It’s a poisoned chalice, surely?

    Sol: It looks quite a lot like the screens on the web mostly. Runs at a fair lick of knots too. We’ve been squishing stuff into the PSP for a while (shameless plug for TOCA, Virtua Tennis and Go! Sudoku) so it’s like a comfortable chair. Not quite one of those lazy boy ones, something a bit smaller and a bit shiner perhaps. I will demand some eating of hats on a few forums when it’s out – from those non-believers.

    OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast on PSP again

    This is OR2006 on PSP. We’ve played it, but aren’t allowed to ‘review it’ yet, especially not on the internet. They’d go MENTAL if we did that! We can probably get away with saying something vague like “what we’ve seen of it so far looks really fucking good and smooth and awesome” though.

    Don’t people just use PSPs for watching porn on these days anyway?

    Sol: Maybe if you’ve got strong wrists, I can’t hold it one handed.

    Can you play Coast 2 Coast on PSP’s digital pad? Only the analogue stick thing’s a bit rubbish and isn’t placed very well. It’d probably work better on the d-pad. Just a thought. It’s not like you really need analogue for OutRun.

    Sol: You can use the D-Pad – you won’t be getting top times on the online ranks as you can turn some mean times with the nub. Nub, there’s a good word.

    Is Richard Jacques doing any new music for Coast 2 Coast?

    Sol: His “Euro Remixes” from OutRun2 are included but unfortunately that’s it. We felt he couldn’t possibly top those aural sensations… Plus he is working on some other top secret Sega stuff. There is some new music provided by the original Japanese composer though.

    Have you met Richard? If so WHAT IS HE LIKE?! He seems really nice!

    Sol: Can’t really tell – we’re tried shouting to him through his letter box once but all we heard were muffled cries and sobs.

    What did you talk about?

    Sol: It was hard to tell, something about us going far away is about all we could work out.

    What was he wearing? Go into as much detail as possible, especially about his trousers.

    Sol: Damnit, you broke us. Can’t say really, last time the closest we got was downloading the files from Sega. I imagine he’s really smartly dressed but with pop star hair. I bet he hangs round with top models and smokes fags with a cigarette holder. In fact I think I hate him for that.

    Going back to the game, can you tell us anything about your new content?

    Sol: Err, it’s got some new Ferraris in it and there’s no rain. It would suck if you had enough money to own an open topped Ferrari and went on a road trip and all it did was rain, so we left that out. Also, no-one seems to grasp that every platform is online, PSP too. 6 players, you don’t even have to have that many friends; OutRun will go out and make them for you. If you’ve played the Arcade to death, then there is even new tuned up versions of the cars, done with the help of Ferrari. Open top Enzo sir? 4:18 on Route A without breaking a sweat. Now that’s fast. There is also a load of other stuff in there, but best not ruin it.

    Xbox OutRun2’s Mission Mode was really, really good and we completed it all– what are you doing this time? You can definitely tell us, it’s out in a few weeks. Even if Sega says you’re not allowed to tell us, you can still tell us. It’s OK. Really.

    Sol: We hope to divide opinion once again on the mission mode. We’ve split the missions into Heart Attack type stuff and Racing missions, as we know not everyone likes the same things as us. We’ve added kittens and lions as well as the obligatory fruit and there’s even a beach ball to dribble. We’ve also kept the maths, because we like watching people’s faces contort when we watch them play it in Dixons. Plus you get the Flag Man telling you what to do. You could imagine him there dancing whilst he does it.

    Going back to Richard Jacques, did he mention UKR at all?

    Sol: I’m sure if we ever have a conversation, that would be the thing to break the ice. Me saying ‘Is it fun being stalked by the internet’ and him laughing jovially whilst nodding at the models we imagine he hangs around with to go and warm up the getaway car.

    Xbox OutRun2 got a bit jerky on Xbox Live sometimes. Is that something you can fix “your end” or is it a general Xbox Live issue that we’re going to be stuck with forever until they invent a better kind of internet?

    Sol: We can’t really help it if some peasants with a steam powered internet connection log onto Live and host games. There is some stuff we’ve fettled with to make it better – we’ll find out about 5 minutes after it hits the shops if people on the forums start moaning that it’s lagging on their 56K modems.

    What sort of PC will we need to make it look super-awesome? Our PC is a Dell from two years ago and we don’t know what the graphics card is — will it work on that?

    Sol: We’re waiting for someone to send us some really good PCs – like Alienware or someone, so we can say that those are the ones you’ll need, hopefully seeing a cut of the profits. In the meantime we’re making do with trying to keep the spec to something sensible – couple of Gig processor, half a gig of ram and recent video card. If it runs DirectX 9 stuff there is a good chance it will work. You could try running it on a 486 if it’s got AGP, but it would be like receiving a series of postcards of someone driving into walls.

    Microsoft Twat Entertainer Version 98.01EX

    This is what PC games usually look like. Imagine how excited PC gamers will be when they get OutRun 2006! It’ll be like when we first got a Mega Drive.

    Have you got any quotes you’d like us to slip into a review? We could easily sort that out for a few quid or some boxed copies we can sell on eBay.

    Sol: I think ‘What’s with the vest top’ should make an appearance somewhere. Preferably as one of those really funny comments under a screenshot. Can you get to Edge write something like ‘It’s reyt good’? Just to lighten the tone a bit.

    Would you like to “big up” or make any “shout outs” to your team members, or end by saying something needlessly controversial that will get you in trouble at work?

    Sol: I’ll leave it with asking Sega if we can have our passports back, we’ve almost finished it now and promise not to run away.

    Thanks very much to internet spokesdeveloper ‘Sol’. The best arcade game ever will be out for a machine you actually own at the end of March or thereabouts.

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