Archive for December, 2009:

ENEMY FUNDS CONTINUE TO BE DEPLETED BY HARDWARE COSTS

The enemy continues to waste its money pushing its “PlayStation3″ “entertainment” consoles onto an uncaring and unwanting world, with the foolish hardware maker STILL losing money on every PS3 it TRICKS unaware civilians into buying.

And this despite the enemy boasting of recent engineering efficiencies!

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Image taken from a propaganda leaflet air-dropped in by Kotaku, which claims PS3 costs $336.27 to make – and sells for less. And that’s before you take into account the cost of the box, and all the shit games Sony rams into the packaging in order to make it look like some sort of “deal”.

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HOW A MAN LIVES IN 2009

Seeing as we’re back in the spiral phase, here’s another nice sighting. Of more interest in this series of shots is this rare insight it gives us into how some human males exist in the year 2009. This update will hopefully be of some interest to future anthropologists. So it’s OK if it is of no interest to you NOW.

Future observers may ponder why, for example, have those three bottles been taped together?

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“I was cleaning up our garage after a particularly messy night, when something previously unseen caught my eye.”

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“As has become tradition, I have taken three photos whilst getting closer to the objects of interest. I like the last one as it looks like a frog feeling rather ill after eating a few too many cigarette butts” – Tim.

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“(Oh, was using a crappy LG camera phone, hence the shite quality)”

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“WHAT’S BLUE AND WHITE, SQUIGGLY AND SUDDENLY APPEARS IN THE SKY?”

THE DREAMCAST LOGO, THAT’S WHAT!

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Spotted in the skies over Norway. “Bizarre spiral” and “computer generated” are relevant enough keywords to convince us it’s Dreamcast related. Possibly the Dreamcast coming back through time from an alternate future timeline where it ruled all and became self-aware and developed time travel. Something like that. It would make a better film than Terminator Salvation.

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If this turns out to be viral marketing for “2012” this post will be retrospectively deleted, so don’t spend too much time on your comments.

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“You’ve probably been sent this a million times this past hour but this is clearly proof that Sega is bringing back the Dreamcast in 2010 and has announced this by scaring the shit out of some Norwegians with an impressive publicity stunt. Since it’s from the Daily Mail website, I’d give it half an hour before Jan Moir accuses it of being “unnatural” and suggesting that’s why it died out quite quickly” – Chris.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!

Or Merry Christmas to one. Merry Christmas to the one person who still insists on hanging about inside PlayStation Home, to see if Sony has discovered or invented a reason for it to exist yet.

Look, there’s a Christmas tree in Home now. Each bauble represents a unique microtransaction opportunity on behalf of the brand sponsors.

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She’s turned away so we can’t see the tears. And do you know what’s inside those gift boxes? Nothing. They are symbolic hollow structures that represent the emptiness of Home itself.

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SLAUGHTER AT SEGA OF AMERICA

Sonic The Hedgehog TORN LIMB-FROM-LIMB in SEGA’s US office, as team members laugh and mill about while poking his dismembered remains.

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They’re attempting to wrap the corpse up in bubble wrap. Perhaps they plan to “post” his body as one final insult?

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Head and extremities have been removed in an attempt to mask the identity of the victim, but unless they also plan to peel that recognisable blue fur off it won’t help much.

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Head kept as a trophy.

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Arm kept as a cheaper trophy.

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THE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE BOOK

This is the longest in-the-doing UKR update there’s ever been. The photos were taken and submitted by a reader in October of 2007, saved to a folder on the desktop in November of 2008 and finally uploaded to the internet on [PUT IN DATE HERE BEFORE UPLOADING UPDATE]. Quite a journey!

In that time we have:

1. Lost the original email

2. Lost the photo of the cover

3. Forgotten if there was a photo of the cover or not

So here it is. Some scans of the Sonic The Hedgehog Joke Book.

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Also, several attempts at “doing” this update have ended in tragedy – the draft not appearing, forgetting to save it before closing the browser – it is almost as if this update is HAUNTED or in some way DOOMED.

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That bottom one isn’t a joke, it’s more of an un-amusing fictional anecdote. Perhaps compiling this book is where Ricky Gervais cut his teeth?

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Yet more proof that Sonic was never really targeted at an adult audience.

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Eggs puns. It can’t get any worse than this.

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More eggs puns. It can’t get any worse than this.

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This has triggered a memory – the person that sent in the photos apologised on behalf of their young self for colouring in some of the drawings.

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At least they didn’t go over the lines, and have shown good awareness of fish by attempting a nice rainbow effect on that pike.

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This is grim.

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There’s still lots to go.

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Hopefully this “haunted update” will crash the server when we press “Publish”, therefore saving you all the misery of reading.

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We’ve found the email – sent in by a Mr Jimmy Carr.

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Goldfish haven’t got anything to do with Sonic.

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We sympathise with the book’s creator. That duck joke is the final bit of writing of a broken man.

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This is less fun than staring at Twitter.

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Haven’t heard the “Quiche of life” one. That’s OK. That’s the highlight so far.

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The horse joke is assuming too much knowledge of equine terminology.

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Many apologies are in order to everyone.

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ONCE AGAIN OUR SEGA ADVENT CALENDAR SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN LOST IN THE POST

Everyone on the internet is scoffing free sweets from SEGA, except us. But it’s not SEGA’s fault. We’ve moved house four times in two years, edging further away from civilisation and reality each time. That’ll be why we don’t even get sent games from SNK any more. Even the emails of XBLA game codes seem to have dried up. Such a sorry state of affairs.

Here’s Adam with some photos of his three calendars.

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“This morning was more exciting than most mornings, when Postie showed up with a large-ish box with SEGA written on it! At first it reminded me of the old days when SEGA used to send out Dreamcast stuff or whatever and it always had SEGA on the postage and it was all exciting. Actually it turned out to be this year’s OFFICIAL SEGA ADVENT CALENDAR complete with FAIRTRADE CERTIFIED CHOCOLATE. The fact Sega is making this and coming up with a unique Christmassy Sonic bit of artwork shows that there are people at Sega who DO STILL CARE, and the Fairtrade thing obviously means that SEGA still represents GOOD instead of EVIL.”

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“I was very upset last year to lose to “Adam 1″ in the Sega Advent Calendar Photography Competition, so this year I tried about 2% harder. I include full resolution snaps of the THREE chocolate calendars Mr SEGA sent (what the fuck’s he trying to say?), as well as a picture of the Exciting Box Arrival phase. For my hard work on this update, all I ask is that you update the Kikizo link under Friends to Video Games Daily, as that is what it’s called now. We’re currently planning an update about Shenmue 4 news, so stay tuned for that” – Adam.

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INDUSTRY NEWS: MALE PERSON PUT IN VIDEOGAME

He’s a bit young to be having a combover, the poor kid.

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He’s called Michael Perham and he’s a sailor, hence the clothes.

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A GAME WE MIGHT HAVE SOME OF

Final Fight: Double Impact, which we may purchase in honour and memory of the astounding Mega CD version, the creation of which was Capcom’s most selfless and generous act. It won’t arrive until April of 2010, which gives us ample time to remember where all the leads are and to get an Ethernet cable long enough to go to where the phone is now.

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Hopefully there’ll be a MEGA CD Mode, where it randomly crashes every 10 minutes because the CD bit doesn’t connect to the Mega Drive properly.

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SONIC AND TAILS TATTOOED ON THE FLABBY, PINK AND YELLOWED FLESH OF WHAT IS CLAIMED TO BE A LADY

A reader found these. They are of light/mild interest because that blotchy, bruised skin is supposedly the skin of a lady. No idea what part of a lady, so you’ll have to invent the scene in which she slowly reveals them to you in your own minds.

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“I was doing some Level 3 stalking of some woman I saw on a dating web site and found these pictures and I thought I would be a good idea to send them to you. I need to go and cry myself to sleep while watching my train set go around like a record” – Jim.

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No idea what part that might be. It bulges out like it might be a bit of poorly-maintained side, and that may be a waistband bottom-left – but it’s tough to really narrow it down. Could be a monstrous arm, for example.

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