Archive for December, 2010:

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT WORDS FROM THE ‘PANORAMA’ ON VIDEO GAME ADDICTION

“Laura Croft”

:(

panorama video games

And if you want your findings to be taken seriously, don’t talk to so many people from Nottingham.

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WHERE ARE THEY NOW? JACKY BRYANT / SEGA SAMMY EDITION

Jacky has taken on an acting role, playing one of the non-player characters in marginally upscaled PlayStation2 remake Gran Turismo 5.The second image comes from “Dave” and we may have used it before but can’t remember.

jacky bryant gt5

“Just thought I’d let you know that I have spotted Virtua Fighter star Jacky Bryant in Sony’s Gran Turismo 5. It must be from the lack of new beat ‘em ups being released via AM2, but Jacky seems to have been spending an awful lot of time racing these days. His last Sega appearance was in Sonic & Sega All-stars Racing, but now Jacky has given in to all that dirty Sony money and has put his racing skills to effect in the latest PlayStation Scud Race clone.”

gt5-sega

“Personally I put this entire shocking move down to the lack of a home conversion of Virtua Fighter 5 Final Showdown, which would have given Jacky a lot more steady work rather than have to whore himself out for measly bit-parts in games” – Simon.

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SONY ATTEMPTS WORLD DOMINATION

In a desperate bid for world domination, Sony is shoving PS2 consoles inside their tellies

It isn’t all bad though. It has a VGA and a scart socket round the back for your Dreamcast & Mega Drive

They spent several minutes brainstorming the design, but eventually settled for the classic  ‘glued TV on PS2′ look.

It has those internet widgety things that don’t work properly, and you can watch hippo-critical BBC programmes like Panorama on it via the built-in Freeview tuner.

Next week they’re launching a kettle with a UMD slot!

I’m aware that his post would better suited to Idiot Toys, but Zorg still has a bit of passion left for that site and justifiably, doesn’t let us post on it!

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SONIC CASHES IT ALL IN FOR NEW, ANONYMOUS LIFE IN THE COUNTRY

A t-shirt called “16 Bit Recession” from here.

sonic cash4gold

From our in-house, unpaid social care assistant “GigerPunk”. You can buy it here for the remainder of today. After which that link won’t work and you’ll think we didn’t bother checking it.

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NINTENDO HATE SPECIAL

Yes, Sega may well be going to shit these days, but let’s forget all about that for a moment and be comforted in the knowledge that Nintendo is equally powerless to stop ‘enthusiasts’ from making unlicensed toys. I give you – mutant strongman Mario:

And fish-lipped zombie Toad:

And post-op transsexual Princess Peach:

You really would wish your princess was in another castle.

And a nice group shot:

Note Mario about to grope Peach's arse.

Found while actively looking for shitty knock-off Nintendo merchandise to mock.

In other Nintendo news (since they must be the NEW ENEMY now that Sony are on life support with the PS3), Nintendo have decided on a cunning plan to halt the massive slide in hardware sales. They are going to re-release the console in black! Genius – that will sove everything! 

It's going to collect fingerprints too!

Are Nintendo taking inspiration from Sony now?

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OBLIGATORY SNOW-BASED UPDATE

It’s a lovely ice sculpture that seems to be modelled on the good old original Sonic, and not the cheeky little shit that appeared from 1998 onwards

That’s it. It was a very lazy update.

Here’s a picture that I wasn’t going to use because it wasn’t very good, but desperate times……..

Not sure if it’s Sonic or Amy. Either way, it’s better than I could do, but rubbish when compared to the ice sculpture.

Let’s all pretend that we like each other and post our own Sega-based snow creations in the comments!

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GRAN TURISMO 5 REDEFINES CURRENT GENERATION GRAPHICAL CAPABILITIES

…with its PlayStation1 car models and Sega Saturn trees.

gran turismo 5

How is Polyphony allowed to get away with this? They should’ve taken their time, not rushed… oh. Amazing Gallery of GT5 Shame submitted by Mr P. Hardman.

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IT IS DEFINITELY ALL OVER

Even SEGA’s Mr Nagoshi, the last living, employed, embodiment of the classic, colourful SEGA dream of yesteryear, is now making games about robots/marines/the future accompanied by wisecracking dialogue.

We won’t be buying this, not even when it’s discounted to £12.99 three hours after launch.

This is it. The end. A bald, generic future marine has just rolled an incendiary device into the lobby of SEGA Japan. There’s no one left of any merit to pull out of the rubble. Link via VG247.

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