Thanks everyone! It was an enjoyable day yesterday, as the reptilian overlords behind Wikipedia battled to retain control of the site’s Lair entry. We particularly enjoyed the subtle addition of the word ‘minge’, which stayed undetected for some six hours.

THE BEST ACTS OF VANDALISM:

“It is rumored, however, the game may support between 0 and 1 players”

“Premium will ship with 30 dragons but the Basic edition will ship with no dragons. One of the main features of the online package will be the option to purchase extra dragons via ‘sonsactions'”

“…a screenshot released shows a man in heavy armour riding a mighty monkey steed”

“Lair is a upcoming game being developed by Factor 5 and published through Sony Computer Entertainment America for the Sony PlayStation 3 video game console. It uses the Wii controller’s tilt functions for movement within the game”

“Lair is a collection of captured images from Sean Connery crap-fest “Dragonheart”. They will be exclusively viewable on Sony’s billion dollar PS3″

The premise of the game revolves around ordering pewter dragons from mail-order companies that advertise in the back of Sunday supplement magazines. The more dragons you order, the bigger your army (the combat phase of gameplay takes place within the impoverished fantasy life of the game’s hirsute protagonist, Simon), although this leads to an increasing chance of you defaulting on your installment plan, and having your kneecaps shattered by a sociopathic bailiff, ‘Bricka'”

“You will need two PS3s, two copies of Lair from the same shop of the same edition (five editions are confirmed), a link cable and two SonyLAIR HDTVs as on all other TVs the graphics are scrambled”

AND THE WINNER:

“…it wants to be a launch title, because dragon games sell”

Scroll through all the edits by reading the article’s history page. As you read, you may like to stay mentally active by pondering WHAT SORT OF PERSON spends all day reloading a Wikipedia entry on an obscure PS3 game to correct minor acts of vandalism?

Is it time to die yet?

So old. So tired. Ready to sleep now.

What happened here is that Sony pasted a pretend energy bar and HUD onto a CG image, and some people sort of believed it for a while there:

This is the ‘BEFORE’ shot, from back when the entire internet didn’t make up 10,000 Photoshop jokes about PS3 every day (we’re very proud of you all).

And this is what it really looks like running on PS3. At least they got the Stamina gauge right, although they forgot what side they put it on when making the actual game.

HOW YOU CAN HELP:
Please vandalise the game’s Wikipedia entry accordingly.

It’s odd that things we clearly remember from 1996 are now nostalgic remnants of gaming history, but still – if you’re only 15 years old and came here from MySpace looking for porn you probably never saw this SEGA Saturn advert from 1996.

You were lucky in that respect.

What does it even MEAN? Were we really so innocent as a nation in 1996 that stuff like this seemed all edgy and cool and risque? Or was SEGA just loads shitter than we remember?

We’ll have her geo-located to within six centimetres by home time.

Updates suspended for the foreseeable future as we struggle to marry two facts:

FACT A: It’s on PS3 therefore it MUST be shit.

FACT B: It’s by SEGA therefore it MUST be amazing.

ADDITIONAL FACT C: We’ll be sitting in the bathroom rocking backwards and forwards for a while pooing and weeing on ourselves trying to decide which editorial stance to take.

The only option is to pretend these are Xbox 360 or PC screenshots. Yes, that’s it. VF5 will be announced for Xbox 360 next week! That’s clearly what’s about to happen. That’s why they took all these new screenshots. Look, they’re in widescreen just like Xbox 360!

The truth is too horrible to consider.

We can’t go saying something on PS3 looks good.

All we can do is…

…maybe we could say that only SEGA is good enough to make PS3 games look good? Because SEGA’s better at programming and stuff.

That could work as an ‘angle’ to make this seem like a happier day.

Even then it feels wrong.

Maybe we should pretend VF5 doesn’t exist?

It’s just all too much. You know SEGA’s original 2001 masterplan had this down as a Dreamcast 2 launch game :(

Not just for having the most Spanish-sounding names you could possibly imagine, but also for spearheading SEGA’s push into Spain – with the opening of a new SEGA office in Madrid.

VIVA (the men in charge of) SEGA ESPAGNA!

Jose is standing in front of Shadow. This means he’s evil, so is probably in advertising or marketing.

Javier is standing in front of Sonic! So he’s the good one, and probably does something useful and popular like handing out the mail or petty cash. This is such a beautiful photo we’ve made it desktop size. Together they are… SEGA SPAIN! Vamos SEGA Espagnol!

“WE ARE ENCHANTED TO ON BOARD GIVE TO THE WELCOME TO JAVIER AND JOSE” (THE PRESS RELEASE FED THROUGH BABELFISH, AS THAT’S BEEN FUNNY SINCE WE FIRST GOT THE INTERNET IN 1995):

SEGA RETURNS To SPAIN

SEGA of Europe announces the opening of their new Spanish office, agreeing with 15 anniversary of Sonic.

SEGA Europe Ltd., today makes the opening public of their new office in Madrid, Spain.

The return of the emblematic Japanese company to our country obeys to the consolidation strategy as one of the main publishers in the new generation of platforms of electronic entertainment adopted by SEGA and supposes a recognition to the growth and potential of the Spanish market.

SEGA of Spain begins their walking with an equipment of Marketing and Communication, headed by Javier Rodriguez – Director of Marketing – and Jose Herráez – PR Manager -. During the stage of implementation of the Japanese company in Spain, including the next campaign navideña, the SEGA titles will continue being distributed by Atari.

“The Spanish market has received great relevance in the last years and it has become one of most important of Europe.” It affirms to Mike Hayes, President and COO of SEGA Europe. “The opening of a seat of SEGA in Spain is a logical step in our strategy of growth and we are enchanted to on board give to the welcome to Javier and Jose.”

Javier Rodriguez, Director of Marketing of SEGA of Spain, affirms. “SEGA is an emblematic mark that has written whole chapters in the history of the videojuegos. SEGA of Spain is born with the ambition to settle down as one of the marks leaders in the new generation of videojuegos. The opening of the Spanish office supposes an exciting challenge and our plans for the future are going to excite and to surprise all the sector of the videojuegos.”

On SEGA® SEGA Europe Ltd.
It is the European division of Japanese the SEGA Corporation, one of the companies leaders in the edition of software of entertainment for consoles, PC and moving bodies. For more information, it visits www.sega-europe.com

The order has already been given for someone to take photos of SEGA Spain’s office. It’s probably a little red brick building with pinatas outside and a dead bull in the car park.

This is the back of a man’s sister’s chair. He says the design looks a bit like Dr Robotnik, although she insists it’s meant to be flowers.

Beat that.

This is a photo of a sign in the car park at SEGA Europe. Someone’s being a parking space nazi. You can see some interesting uses of capital letters.

This out-bores our update about the SEGA Park carpet by some 25 percent. We’re sorry about this for many reasons. Has anyone got a less interesting SEGA photograph than this?

You can see his little heart breaking, as he mentally weighs up the pros of eating sweets and playing games all day against the cons of being popular.

No free things or parties for you, Porky Piggywinkle. Best you can hope for is to get in the top 1000 of something on Xbox Live.

Coronation Street, the rubbish soap opera about the tedious lives of poor people who live in the North of England, featured Sonic The Hedgehog in its episode broadcast on Sunday August 27. They were playing it on PC, so it might have been an illegal ROM.

Although, as someone from SEGA told us this was going to happen about five months ago, it looks like a cleverly worked PR trick. Because even though it’s a laughably bad pantomime of a show, Coronation Street is watched by about 12 million people. Stupid people who can’t afford games consoles and think chips count as vegetables, but it’s still quite a coup.

PLEASE NOTE:
We’re not becoming one of those sites that’s just a list of YouTube videos. Promise. It’s a coincidence. We probably won’t do another one of these for six months now. We’re also quite proud of this one as it required (a) finding the episode, (b) downloading the torrent, (c) editing the relevant chunk out of it, and (d) putting the clip on YouTube. This is the first new technical thing we’ve learned since getting a DVD player in 1999.