Please find attached a couple of scans showing young, lifestyle branded metrosexuals holding PSPs. These pics were part of an SCEE-paid special supplement that came with the latest issue of German trade magazine “MIM – Medien Insight Multimedia” (http://www.mpnow.de) regarding the upcoming European PSP launch.

Cheers,
Superfrog

Does anyone want to buy a PSP and a soiled copy of Lumines?

For this game you will need two players, each with their own internet connection, plus some strong alcohol of the kind that really wreaks hell on your breath. Both players must roll a dice and then race to read as many sites featuring the words “Industry,” “Journal,” “Lifestyle” and so forth to find an article or post whose first paragraph contains the following.

Roll 1: A sweeping statement written as if it were fact. Example: “The Koreans have long been a nation of animal lovers.”

Roll 2: Speaking as if talking about video games made you some kind of philosophical luminary or something. Example: “We have long considered to validity of the video game as art.”

Roll 3: The writer appointing themselves as the spokesman for an entire demographic, culture or issue. Example: “Gamers such as we have long been disappointed in this area.”

Roll 4: A thoroughly preposterous inference of credit. Example: “Following our mention in the last issue that we went to Torremolinos on holiday once, Technos have unveiled a new fighting game set in Spain.”

Roll 5: A completely subjective opinion which precedes the full text as if it were a bald statement of fact. Example: “SNK have long been considered a poor relation to Capcom.”

Roll 6: A completely unnecessary quotation.

The player who takes longer over the search has to dodge into the company toilets and take a drink. The game then continues, and the overall loser is the first person to receive a written warning.

In the event of a tiebreaker the players must compete to see who can invent the most ludicrous claim to credit in a single sentence. Our best so far is “Sony engineered the PSP’s disastrous performance on purpose because we started saying that we like it.” You can’t use that one, though, because we’re still not sure if it’s true or not.

Ja, das PlayStation Portable ist ein SEHR HARDCORE spiele consolen!!

What a cock. It’s also a LIFESTYLE gaming device, popular with people like DJs and cool men in bands who wear ironic sunglasses indoors.

These photos are from the Swedish PSP launch party, which, in strict keeping with national stereotypes, featured women with their tits out. We love liberal Europeans and are especially fond of their tits. They were probably off their tits after visiting one of Stockholm’s notorious ‘Heroin Cafes’.

FANTASTICHE UBERHARDCORE PISS PARTY PHOTGRAFEN HABEN, JA?
Which translates as “more here“.

This ISN’T FAIR. When we used to tell girls we liked staying at home and playing Virtua Tennis on Dreamcast, they used to look slightly confused, then say they needed the toilet then disappear and never come back.

NOT ONCE did they ever lift one of their legs up, smile, grab the box and pull their shoulders back so we could see their tits better.

We were born five years too early :(

JONATHAN WEINBERG PROBABLY GOT AT LEAST A BLOW JOB, A FREE PSP AND A PRESS TRIP TO SOMEWHERE LIKE LOS ANGELES OUT OF ALL THIS:

The Sun’s shameful PSP whoring

And if you want to be as popular with the ladies as Virtua Tennis here, you might want to head over to The Sun’s Page 3 PSP page (although you might not, seeing as it costs ONE POUND to download some small pictures of tits).

The link is safe for work, unless you live in a really strict Islamic country where women are only allowed to live under burning tarpaulins.

Where were you SLAGS when Dreamcast was out, eh? We might have to incorporate this sexy scene into our Virtua Tennis fan fiction. We’ve currently written 886 HOT EROTIC words of it, including the final sex scene. There’s still time to email in if you’d like to be in it.

This week is dedicated to the things that are left to do only when you get SO bored that you look at them and say to yourself “Well… it’s either this or fuck the dog.”

DAY 1 – MS PAINT YOUR OWN VIRTUA TENNIS PORN

Look, you can see her pubes and everything. And there she is giving Warwick Davies a hand job (or Verne Troyer, whichever one’s shilling Gizmondo this week).

Thanks to all the UKR FORUM CUNTS for making this week’s Comedy Wankcry happen! If you want to join up and contribute to our weekly features, fill out the online form and send us ten quid via paypal. Forum Cunt status gives you search features, removes your popup ads and confers access to one of the strongest moderated forums on the internet. Plus our servers aren’t full of plankton and dead coloured people.

All very exciting, even though Sega’s new Lindbergh arcade machine sounds like something you could pick up from PC World for 399 quid.

A new machine thing from Sega! Imagine how easy it’s going to be to emulate these games in a few years time, seeing as they’re already running on a P4 PC! This is absolutely nothing like the spec of Xbox 360, so it isn’t based on Xbox 360 like lots of people guessed just because HotD4 comes in widescreen. Oops.

House of the Dead 4. We’d still prefer a new Virtua Cop, but let’s not start being all negative about it already before it’s even out.

Obviously Virtua Tennis 3 has been in development for several years, since back when Henman used to be good. Having Tim Henman still in the game is like having Geoff Hurst in FIFA still. No, wait, it’s like FIFA having Paul Ince or Peter Shilton in it, or someone else half-decent who never actually won anything important.

New Afterburner. We can take or leave this. 3D flying games have been the same since whenever it was Sega invented them, so, you know, shinier planes. Wow.

Psy Phi, some sort of game from Yu Suzuki. We don’t know what type at all, and all Babelfish can come up with is “In addition, the operation impression of utilizing the function only of touch panel until now proposes the place tile which is not e.g., it puts out special attack by the fact that the figure is drawn on the picture and divides” and “Lindbergh’s function was pulled out, description of the shooting which is beautiful expression and force like the fireworks which glitter to the night sky became possible” — which would appear to hint that it uses a touch-screen.

As long as Sarah Bryant still has those only five moves we know, we’ll be happy!

We’re now going to start calling Dreamcast “Hindenburg” in honour of its fiery death that killed off a great line of awesome machines.

SPOT THE OMISSION?
The only game that’s NOT featured here from Sega’s E3 behind-the-scenes-and-subsequently-leaked-all-over-the-internet showreel is the new Sonic The Hedgehog game. We’re prepared to bet our plush Ulala (mint, with tag) on it being announced for Xbox 360 in around a week at the Tokyo Game Show.

Go Team USA! It’s like their Princess Diana, or another 9/11 only this time about water. We love assisting in relief. If we had our way, we’d spend every day issuing relief to ourselves, and others. And we know what they mean — some days it really is an effort.

“Bungie Studios and the Bungie Store will be donating at least $15 from each shirt sold which will go straight to the Red Cross and directly to the disaster relief. Everything you can do to help will make a difference”

They’ve had the fire disaster, now the water one, which must mean an ice catastrophe is next for poor America.

Fight the Flood T-Shirt – Bungie Store

The puppy one MUST be ironic. It must. It has to be. PLEASE.

NEXT WEEK: *German* ones of PSP which are 10000 times worse!

Don’t moan that we’ve started liking something by Sony. If it’s OK for Sega to start liking Sony’s PSP, it’s OK for you to like it too!

Try it. Maybe start by liking something easy, like a Sony radio or a Sony television — picking the badge off it might help — then move up into games consoles. It won’t mean you love Sega any less, just like when mummy got a new daddy who was really good at DIY. You still loved your old daddy just as much even though he seemed like less of a man and was always crying.

Look, Sega likes PSP so much it’s made Virtua Tennis for it. Playing Virtua Tennis will make you feel safe again! What’s that, mum? Dinner’s ready?! Life is great again and you’re 100 percent in control!

It’s really nice to play Virtua Tennis again. You know people that smoke? You know how if they go for ages without smoking (like 20 minutes, the moaning fucks), then smoke something, they seem to think it feels really great to be smoking again? PLAYING VIRTUA TENNIS AGAIN AFTER FIVE YEARS IS REALLY LIKE THAT FEELING!!!

It’s also like getting back on heroin after months of ropey methadone (sorry, mum, we had to sell your TV and cooker). It feels right and reminds you that you’ve been putting up with pale imitations for the last five years.

This is a photo of our World Tour character. She’s like a podgy Cheryl Tweedy. All we did was change her hair. It’s like Sega KNOWS our type of girls is podgy Cheryl Tweedys. Sega knows us SO WELL :)

We’ve got an idea for some Virtua Tennis fan fiction. It starts as we manage to get a DREAM JOB working for Sega! But things go badly after we’re caught stealing games to sell on eBay and we get demoted and made to work in the ‘motion capture’ room. Everybody hates the motion capture room, because it’s too hot and is really boring work. But then Sega announces Virtua Tennis World Tour 2, and signs Maria Sharapova to be in it! Maria then comes to the office to be… MOTION CAPTURED!

She has to wear a tight, black mo-cap costume, and it’s really, really hot and sweaty in the studio. We end up opening a bottle of wine and one thing leads to another in the heat of the studio, we have sex for a bit in all three sex positions then the story ends with us spunking on Maria’s tits and tummy. Really loads of it, too. If you’d like us to write it up properly, let us know and we will. Everyone who emails in gets to feature in the story as a guest star!