Following up our Ninja Gaiden slime story, forum regular “Munter S Thompson” sent us these two images of American popbait the Olsen Twins, having done to them what we imagine Captain Jax and Commander Zorg would do to them should they ever visit Earth:

Which reminds us of the below photo we’ve been saving for ages, that shows the lovely twins (front) with their HIDEOUS HAG OF A MOTHER standing behind. This perfectly illustrates why Logan’s Run was a good idea and why men don’t often go out with women their age. Next time, girls, LEAVE HER AT HOME.

We don’t get tired of looking at press images. The thrill of looking into the eyes of the models, knowing that they’re hating themselves, knowing they feel empty, knowing with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that they’re regretting it and hoping no one will ever see the photos, never fades. Look at her. She’s trying to mask it, but you can tell. She’ll go home and cry, and won’t even tell anyone why. Praise God you’re not attractive enough to do this as a job.

OTHER THINGS THAT AREN’T FUNNY ANY MORE
#6: Kieron Gillen

Breaking news this morning from keen-eyed reader Richard Perrin, who seems to have spotted a bargain every Sega fan will want. “See the attached banner ad image, it blatantly gives away the shocking news that Sega Enterprises is to be sold on eBay for under £50!”

Own Sega for less than 50 quid. The ultimate collectible for any Sega fan.

Following yesterday’s revelation about the sheer volume of breasts present in outstanding Xbox game Ninja Gaiden, we can now show the sick, dark underbelly of creators Team Ninja that festers behind this seemingly innocent creation. Beautiful heroine Rachel, 23, is DEGRADED by having DISGUSTING SLIME spewed over her by a monster — purely for our sexual gratification — in what must rank as one of gaming’s most repulsive moments. Were we not precisely in the target demographic this sort of thing is aimed at, we’d be shocked.

Rachel (middle), with her tits (left and right) covered in monster slime of a POSSIBLY SEXUAL nature.

The slime also extends to her belly and, sickeningly, her upper thighs.

They did it in Dead or Alive on the Saturn. They did it again in Dead or Alive 2 on Dreamcast. And Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball marked the pinnacle of breast development in video games — until now! Meet Rachel, spritual guru and confidant of Ryu in Tecmo’s astonishing Ninja Gaiden. She has by far the largest and most splendidly self-supporting breasts yet programmed by develpment man. These are not movie clips, they are real-time Xbox-powered jubblies. N-joi.

Yes, that is quite difficult to believe.

Come back tomorrow to see more of Rachel — soaked in mutant slime!

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UK:RESISTANCE ARCHIVES UP! GLORIOUS HISTORY RETURNS!
Web space has been purchased, files uploaded. Step back in time, back to an era before irony, back when things could actually be GOOD and enthusiasm wasn’t only for the mildly retarded at dinner time. Marvel at HOW MUCH spare time was consumed!