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DEEP INSIDE SEGA EUROPE #3: THE SIGN IN THE TOILETS

A man went to a “community day” at SEGA Europe. The food and travel was paid for. The food was probably a buffet consisting mainly of tuna sandwiches, so don’t get too jealous. He did get to do a poo in the SEGA toilet, though, then took a photo of the sign inside the cubicle. Here is his tale:

“Thought you might like to know that I went on a ‘community day’ (which is basically flash talk for inviting a load of geeks) at SEGA HQ yesterday to witness the arm-straining epicness of Mario and Sonic at the Olympic games. Not only was food and travel paid for, I got to meet Sonic and Mario (in reality two out of work drama female students in horrendous costumes, but hey, they poured their hearts and souls into it), make a complete arsehole of myself and – best of all – take a huge dump in SEGA’s toilet! I’ve attached a photo of the sign that’s on the inside of said dumpster; it’s not particularly amusing but it has SEGA written on it, so I took more notice of it than I would have usually done of signage in bogs.”

SEGA Europe - cleanliness is next to amazingness

Please wipe the semen off the seat.


PREVIOUSLY ON “DEEP INSIDE SEGA EUROPE”

  • A photo of the parking sign.
  • When we went there to see a snooker game and pretended it was something more exciting.

    • filed in Uncategorized on Sep.05, 2008

    Comments (4)

    ELSEWHERE ON "THE NETWORK" #00036

    Every time you click on one of these links, someone in an office somewhere gets an inflated idea of how many people read UKR. Occasionally, we’ll put in a solid hour doing nothing but opening all of these up in separate tabs. It helps us achieve erection.

  • This thing about Band X releasing a song in Video Game Y.
  • This thing about maybe downloading Spore off the internet and not even bothering to install it just to piss off THE MAN (although the “angle” we used at the time was different and much less interesting).
  • This thing about whoever owns the Commodore brand these days. Someone nicely explained the situation in a comment.
  • This thing about Microsoft managing to make a Japanese Xbox 360 graph point UP.
  • This thing about Gears of War 2 being the shittest game of all time, which we can get away with doing over there now because the commenting system is broken so nobody can leave messages calling us cunts.
  • This thing about Miss IFA being ignored, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

    • Plus German Secretary for MILF Promotion Dagmar Worhl

    Slightly erratic. Probably need to calm down a bit again. Tension building up inside once more. Need release. 5/10.

    filed in Uncategorized on Sep.05, 2008

    Comments (1)

    THE INEVITABLE SONY MASTERPLAN ILLUSTRATION

    Forget the “ten year plan” for PS3, here’s Sony’s 30 year plan to burn off any cash its few successes may have earned it, thereby keeping it in the GUTTER where IT BELONGS.

    And the hits keep coming

    Sent in by James, who is the winner. Well done. We must constantly remind the enemy of all its failings and weaknesses, so it doubts itself and becomes weaker still.

    filed in WAR ON PS3 on Sep.04, 2008

    Comments (34)

    INSTANT MESSAGING COSTS LIVES

    These are internal. Secret. For SEGA employee eyes only. We are NOT SUPPOSED to be seeing these images, images that tell SEGA staff not to post hints about what they’re working on at NeoGAF during lunchtime.

    You will RESPECT SEGA.

    OBEY

    Spotted by a man unfortunately named “Tyson” who pretty much just stole these off another part of the internet. Several months ago. We are not picky. Content is content. One more page on the internet means one less link in the chain we have built for ourselves to wear in the afterlife.

    YIELD

    We think someone emailed us a photograph taken inside the toilet of SEGA Europe a year or so ago. We’ll try and dig that one out for tomorrow. There’s something to look forward to.

    filed in Uncategorized on Sep.04, 2008

    Comments (4)

    MARKUS & SONIC BEI DEN OLYMPISCHEN SPIELEN

    High-up SEGA Germany employee immortalised via medium of cake. Photograph of cake immortalised via rushed and half-hearted update on UKR. At least four UKR readers immortalised by leaving comments stating update is not funny. World continues to turn.

    German SEGA boss immortalised in cake

    “Here is a photo, I shot with my iPhone during GC. It shows a cake, that the folks from SEGA GERMANY made for their boss. It even has his face on it! (He is disguised as Mario). The cake looked awful, though. Like someone printed out the cover of the Mario and Sonic-Olympic-Game and stuck it on top of cold-pressed donkeyshit. Some foreign journalists garnished the cake with boogers and scrapings from the floor, while the booth-personnel were not looking. I also wanted to take a picture of that, but the aggressors threatened me with these huge TNA-Wrestling-Redneck-Merchandise-Foam-Pointy-Finger-things.”

    SOME MORE WORDS
    “Later when the SEGA-guys offered me a piece of that cake, I kindly refused the offer. Then someone offered me a cup of tea and I said ‘No thanks, that’s not my cup of tea!’ (Did you get the Joke? Hahaha! Although I love tea, I acted like I did not, so I got to do that hilarious joke!). Afterwards, I accidentally rubbed my elbow on one booth-babes large knockers, so it was a nice Games Convention after all! Your humble servant, Ahmet.”

    filed in Uncategorized on Sep.03, 2008

    Comments (19)

    THE XBOX 360 "LIFESTYLE" EXPOSED

    Here are all those ‘lifestyle’ photographs Microsoft released yesterday, uploaded as part of our public service remit. Presumably these are mainly meant for those Southern European territories who buy consoles based on stuff like this.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Let’s start with the most realistic. Tired old woman pretending to join in. Podgy man. The child they finally conceived after five painful years of IVF treatment. The console they bought her because she’s so special she can have anything she wants (she actually wanted a Wii).

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Older man, two young boys. Woman in background pretending not to notice. Nothing says UNDERGROUND DUTCH PAEDOPHILE RING more than this.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Girls on left is playing with LIPS. Man on right is trying to get better look at girl’s LIPS. Whichever Microsoft employee picked the name LIPS is going to find themselves put in charge of overseeing Excel development in Eastern Europe after this mess.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Never before have we wanted to be a ginger teenager.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    He’s moving in with the elbow. He’s going for the Accidental Tits Elbow!

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Accidental Tits Elbow with a twist! Sensational! There’ll be semen everywhere in his bedroom tonight!

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    She noticed. Whoops. Now he won’t be able to look at a girl again until he’s 34.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Photograph taken from the graphic novel titled WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO MODERN VIDEO GAMING?

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    “Hooray! You both let me win because you want to try and have sex with me later!”

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Now they have moved onto the casual quiz game.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Nobody knew the answer. It was in the cinema before they were even born, so it’s not their sweet, young faults.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    How unrealistic. That controller’s not even plugged in. Terrible.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    These photos are definitely meant for Europe. That’s the most European selection of children possible.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    By “European” we mean healthy and happy looking. English children sit there being fat and sad in official football shirts.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    They’re not leaning into each other enough.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    That’s better. That’s ROCK AND ROLL, and, by extension, COOL MODERN VIDEO GAMES FOR ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Frequency was ten times better, and you could sit down.

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    “…and you turn around, that’s what it’s all about – HEY!”

    Xbox 360 LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Now he’s blown any chance he may have had by getting the steering wheel out and insisting they play Forza 2 for a bit.

    filed in Uncategorized on Sep.02, 2008

    Comments (33)

    HOW BAD ARE THINGS FOR SONY?

    So bad it has to give its next “best game” away for free, as a bribe, to shift some more of those useless Blu-ray machines before the receivers are called in.

    BigBigFinancialDisaster

    So that’s losing money on the hardware AND giving away the only game people might want this Christmas for free? This is Business 3.0!

    'We'll skip the next few slides, they're just some minor financial details'

    Here’s a nice photo we found of Howard Stringer putting on a very brave face, while in front of some people who presumably know the truth about how badly it’s all going.

    Howard Stringer's financial presentation

    And here’s an example of the sort of shameful and disrespectful Photoshopping we hope not to see. We also hope not to see such bad use of the skew tool.

    Something marginally offensive about the Welsh?

    And here’s a blank. Let’s hope it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. We’d hate to see a man of Howard’s pedigree humiliated by some pathetic internet jokers.

    filed in WAR ON PS3 on Sep.01, 2008

    Comments (28)

    DEATH TANK AGAIN

    Video. Pictures. Memories of rolling bombs flooding back. Tears welling up. Crying now, but don’t care. Those of you needing a reason to live now summer’s over, here you are.


    Death Tank XBLA from Rlan on Vimeo.

    From here. More pictures here. Alternative coverage featuring a lot more exclamation marks to help convince the common man of its brilliance here.

    filed in Uncategorized on Sep.01, 2008

    Comments (9)

    THE SEGA TOYS… HEALING LOG

    Proof that we won’t automatically buy anything with the SEGA Toys logo on. The SEGA Toys Healing Log. Or, the SEGA Toys Realistic Lady’s Poo (XXL).

    “Subtly enhance any room when relaxing ambient sounds begin, and the source is the Iyashi-log. Shaped as a piece of Japanese-style charcoal (a traditional sign of cleanliness), the Iyashi Healing Log blends perfectly into any room and adds beauty not only as a sound source, but in style as well.”

    “What SEGA’s making instead of Dreamcast 2. A ‘Healing Log’. What the… :(” – Matt.

    filed in Uncategorized on Aug.29, 2008

    Comments (9)

    JOKE OF THE DAY, SPONSORED BY SONY

    Q. Why isn’t Sony selling very many PlayStation3s?

    A. Because it can’t keep up with consumer demand!

    “Consumers are purchasing our PlayStation 3 video games console faster than we can produce them… We currently have a production bottleneck with the Playstation 3” – Sir Howard Stringer, Sony, August 29 2008.

    Howard Stringer - lips moving, telling lie

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nice one, Howard. You are a card.

    filed in WAR ON PS3 on Aug.29, 2008

    Comments (7)