One of these games is massively out of date, has subpar graphics and a relentless tunnel-vision focus on one goal…

…the other is Outrun.

Case file No.1

Michael Jackson – The Experience:

The only thing I’m experiencing right now is sadness, contempt and despair

Ubisoft only need seven idiots to buy this before it turns a profit and spawns the inevitable spin off title:

Fin

Sonic has had a long history of taking one step forward and two steps back. For every Sonic Rush there is a Sonic Unleashed (or even, god forbid, Sonic Unleashed Mobile).

And now, not long after at least making a move in the right direction, the little shit jumps on the Kinect bandwagon with Sonic Free Riders.

Look at him, dressed up like a sloaney twat on a ski slope in the Alps. And since when has Sonic needed a hoverboard? IGN gave it 7.5/10, so it’s obviously crap.

…SHOCK. As far as we’re concerned, a “retro rollback” is having a wank while remembering that lovely woman from Buck Rogers. Then Deanna Troi loses her clothes in a teleportation accident and turns up and etc etc

“Here’s an image for a slow news day months from now. WWEShop.com ran a retro sale, and it looks like someone on their graphics team is a SEGA fan. Hope everyone’s having an enjoyable 2011!” – Josh.

It looks like Activision, peddler of plastic shite, endless war misery and assorted licensed rubbish, has decided to close Bizarre Creations – the UK developer it bought three years ago. This is pretty grim news, as Bizarre were ace on a technical and human level and were responsible for some amazing games. And The Club. And that one about the animals fighting.

The best game of this entire generation so far (our genuine, not ironic opinion) was Bizarre’s Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2, and WHERE WOULD WE BE TODAY without Metropolis Street Racer? Almost certainly dead, or at least in a wheelchair. Good luck, Bizarre people.

Not only are these youths not in bed by midnight, they’re also hanging about on the streets waiting to buy a video game.

They’re only young. They’ll soon learn the futility of it all. Waste the next decade or two then snap out of it, boys.

I’m the one covered in mud and poo because the pigs got out again and their house blew away in the wind last night (not pictured):

You’re all Mr Top-Right. Have fun. It certainly looks like fun.

Feels very wrong playing a 2D Sonic game on a PC, as PCs are usually associated with MISERY and SHOULDER/NECK PAIN and WORK. But it’s out and you can get it here.

It’s a bit weird, but works. It’s nice watching Sonic standing there while the flowers and butterflies bounce around, if that’s not too gay a way for you to spend a Thursday.

Scrabble. For Kindle. Anyone want a review doing? We promise to use the phrase “a moment to learn and a lifetime to master” in the overall summary box.

We’ll turn that EGAL into REGAL with TRAY landing on the double word score for 20 points. Your turn.

…we shall be moving HEAVEN AND EARTH (trying to find a VGA cable) and maybe actually playing Sonic The Hedgehog 4 today.

But only maybe. It’s been a long time since we last held a video game controller, and it may trigger unsettling flashbacks.