Dear Nintendo, if we can have the one on the left for 20 minutes or the one on the right for 30 minutes we’ll give the entire Wii launch line-up 10/10. Thanks.

Worse than that photo of the man stretching his bottom really wide open.

It’s also worse than that photo of that Japanese girl poo-ing beans over herself in the bath, even though that was actually quite arousing and we’ve probably got it saved somewhere.

This sudden change in heart was brought about by them complaining about us in the most amazingly hilarious spoilt-little-princess way imaginable, because they’re pretty girls on the internet who always have to have their way and couldn’t understand why we weren’t licking their shoes like all the clingy losers who populate their ‘forum’ and comment on their ‘blogs’.

So obviously we now have to brutally rip apart everything they ever do as revenge. Welcome to the shithouse, bitches!

So, let’s put ourselves through the abject torture that is listening to two full-of-themselves girls having boring opinions about really old games!

Ace! They’ve just done a review of Resident Evil 4! This is really handy, because it’s not like a million people have been saying all over the internet that Resident Evil 4 is really good for the last two years.

Great! And the other one’s talking about Halo 1 and Halo 2! This is really useful, as we often find there isn’t enough information and opinion about Halo 1 or Halo 2 already in the public domain. It’s almost as if the girls think their opinions are somehow important just because they’re girls.

“The gameplay seems simple at first. Perhaps it is” is about the brightest observation in this piece, which makes us really glad we held off buying Halo 2 for 18 months until we got the valuable opinion of a girl who works in a shop.

She pronounces arbiter “are-bite-er” which is wrong. Ha ha! The stupid cow!

She bought the Halo 2 comic book! Perhaps she bought it in a branch of GAME. There are lots of branches of GAME around the country, in places as varied as London, Basingstoke, Exeter (x2) and Bristol.

It would be TERRIBLE if someone was to take this innocent image, open it up in Photoshop and crudely superimpose two penises where those action figures are. It would then be the absolute FINAL STRAW if some sick pervert uploaded their foul creation to a free image hosting service, such as Imageshack, and posted the resulting link in the Comments field below this update. That would be horrible and distressing to say the least, especially if it was turned into some sort of sick competition about who could do it ‘best’, and we implore you all not to take such crude and base actions for it would sully the internet in a terrible manner we would not wish to be associated with.

She then ruins it loads and makes us lose our erection by talking about Tekken 5 for ages, then the Tekken 5 loading screens, then how there’s a “Customise” option where you can customise your character. You could say she loses focus a bit. Still, all we’re thinking about is “Wow, she has a Dreamcast!!” so we’re guilty of losing focus too.

She also plays Sonic Rush in another one. If we were to ever meet her, we could fill in all the awkward silences by talking about Sonic Rush. We could ask what her favourite level is, then say “Oh” and that would be a conversation with a girl! We would then write the time and date down in the notebook we have where we list all the times we’ve spoken to girls.

Watching this other one is like actually having a girlfriend! She’s rambling on about something for ages, and all we’re doing is wishing she’d shut up and let us concentrate on watching the telly.

It’s quite interesting to see what happens when you just leave a girl talking on her own for ages. They literally go quite mental! Here, she’s started playing a Tamagotchi game and is listing the kinds of shops in it! There’s a cleaners where you get to wash and iron clothes, for example!

We still like Siren, even though she said on her forum that UKR “is certainly very predictable” and that “you just want them to do something to surprise you rather than running over the same old ‘we’re so UN-Politically Correct it hurts’ stuff… y’know?” which is actually quite a fair point that we’ll seriously take on board.

“BTW”, this isn’t stalking if you’re one of their boyfriends or the police, as they actually put the videos up on the internet themselves for us to watch, so we’re allowed to watch them and probably even allowed to pause and rewind them and watch certain bits again 100 times. We’re also not saying it’s rubbish, as we love watching their work. It’s mesmerising!

In fact, Versus TV is the BEST THING ON THE INTERNET right now. Please make more of it and please can we be in it as special guest stars one day. We’re much more polite in real life and will practise what we’re going to say beforehand so we come across as funny and interesting.

It’s Vixen and Siren. It must be confusing being a girl on the internet and keeping track of all the pretend names you have to use to stop men finding you and killing you. They say they’re going to tell us what games to play. At least this time it won’t just be the UbiSoft back catalogue.

The game we’re thinking of playing at the moment is Put The Sausage In That One’s Mouth While That One Feels Our Bottom And Says We’re Really Nice And Funny. You can see them ACTUALLY WALKING AND TALKING LIKE THEY’RE LOOKING AT YOU here.

The fantasy scenario we’ve built up in our heads around the above photo is this: They’re both trying to look as sexy as possible to make us like them, and if there’s no clear winner we can have both.

“This little piggy went to… UP MY ARSE”

“…and this little piggy stayed at… IN MY HOT WANTING MOUTH”

“…this little piggy had SEXY TIGHTS PULLED OVER IT”

“… and this little piggy had FUCK-ME RED NAIL VARNISH ON IT”

“…and this little piggy got COVERED IN SPUNK, ALL THE WAY UP TO THE ANKLE BONE”

We’re out of our depth here. We just don’t know enough about foot fetish terminology to pull this off.

“Phwoar, nicely rounded balls”

Next week: Lara Croft’s DEFORMED FOOT NIGHTMARE.

Those two specifically, but any of the rest would probably also do for what we have in mind*. They’ve made the classic mistake of putting their real names on the web site, so we’ll have them all geographically pinpointed to within five metres and added to MySpace within the hour. Although, judging from her dental records, Lorena Linx is loads more than 21 and needs some seriously expensive root canal work so she’s out of the equation.

The caption for this one could say the one on the left’s checking to see if she’s got anything stuck in her teeth in the screen reflection, while the one on the right is trying to use it as a camera. Because she thinks it’s a camera!

Then, the caption for this one could just be “would” as in, we definitely WOULD like to take her home, then post bits of her body back to our parents to PROVE we’re not gay. And so on.

This one would have a really long caption about PSP’s poor battery life. The joke being that we have SOMETHING ELSE to put in her hands (a penis) that also takes a lot of charging up and then doesn’t last very long.

Obviously written by a man, or at the very least heavily edited and made to make sense by one.

Melissa from GameLife ‘being dead’.

This isn’t what usually happens on press trips. Usually, it’s just a load of miserable men who don’t really like each other being forced to wait around for ages and make small talk until someone turns up and gives them lots of beer so they can go back to the hotel and have a decent wank.

[Photo removed to comply with French humour legislation]

See? If anyone else has any more photos from the Scarface PR event, please send them in. And any other PR event shots too, particularly of men looking miserable and any women at all.