After this we’ll stop. Promise.

A SQUARE PEG IN A WORLD OF ROUND HOLES
By Commander Michael Zorg

STARRING:

– Claudia Christian as L-shaped Girl

– Michael Zorg as Steve Square

Sometimes you feel like you just don’t fit in. That pretty orange square over there — what would she ever see in a stupid old multi-coloured square? Not only a stupid old multi-coloured square, but a useless, rubbish diagonal square that’s orange in one corner and grey in the other and doesn’t fit into any holes at all!

Oh yes, that’s me all right — Steve Square, the original misfit in the Lumines world. But don’t worry about poor old Steve. It’s always been like this for me, ever since I was born on the wrong side of the screen. “Just pile the useless diagonal ones over there” says the voice of the Controller, dumping me and the other unwanted diagonals on the far edge while he has fun organising all the prettier and cooler straight-split conventional squares.

Oh yes. Nobody wants us diagonal squares. We’re a liability! I tell you, some days I wish I’d never been dropped.

Today was another of those days. Those same days. The uniform squares all piled up together, chaining, having fun, linking together and disappearing in beams of light — and all us useless diagonals dumped in a messy pile. No one cares about us enough to work us out.

Oh, and here comes another one. Another useless diagonal, getting dumped in the miscellaneous pile and forgotten about until it’s Game Over.

No, wait! It’s not a diagonal square, it’s a different shape! It’s a… it’s a three of one colour and one of another colour one — IT’S A GIRL CUBE! And she’s coming down my side of the screen!!

Oh, but hang on. What’s the point getting excited? Diagonals aren’t compatible with other shapes. She’ll just get stuck with me until it’s Game Over time and she’ll hate every second of it.

Here she is now.

“Sorry” she said, as she landed awkwardly beside me.

Wow. What a beautiful square she was. Three orange mini squares and one grey one for a face! Such a sweetie.

“Sorry” she said again, “I didn’t mean to touch you. Sorry” she added, as she rotated her pretty grey face further away from me and landed beside me, her beautiful orange side pressing my awkward, mis-matched grey and orange side.

“Oh that’s fine, I’m just… waiting” I said, hoping she hadn’t noticed my stupid diagonal pattern and how stupid and ugly it looked. She obviously would though. She’d notice and ignore me, waiting for a better all-orange square to dock herself with. They all do. I’m used to it by now. It’s the way for all us diagonals.

“Are you… a diagonal?” she asked, without even looking at me to check. She must’ve noticed my ugly diagonal deformity from the top of the screen — no, wait — she’d have noticed it from the Pending Column over on the left before she even got on the screen! That’s how stupid and ugly us diagonals look. I bet she was really sad when she got plonked down next to me.

“Um…” there was no denying it, “yes, I’m a diagonal. Are you a…” I paused. What’s the word for something that’s three of one colour and one of another? Oh my god! What on earth do you call something like that?!

She laughed nervously, like she knew I was struggling and wanted to help me out. “Oh, I’m just a stupid odd shape” she said, “there’s not even a name for the shape I am!” she added, rotating her grey square face one rotation away so I couldn’t see her lovely single grey square.

“Oh, I don’t know” I joked, awkwardly. You’re a sort of… L shaped!”

“No, I’m not, I’m a rubbish square with one bit missing. I don’t fit in and… and…” she tailed off.

“And what?” I asked.

“And… no other squares ever want to go beside me because I’m all awkward and ugly and don’t match!”

And with this the poor little L-shaped girl square started sobbing, as over on the popular side of the screen a whooshing sound emanated from the partying, collapsing neat rows of popular uniform squares.

“Don’t cry!” I said, “we’re all funny shaped a bit! Look at me! I go orange-grey up one side, then grey-orange up the other! I’m rubbish, me!”

She didn’t look at me, she just carried on crying and staring on the ground.

“Look! I’m diagonal! I don’t fit in anywhere!” I said, as I rotated one rotation to the right to prove my point, bringing my stupid lopsided grey quarter to the top of my cube nearest L-girl.

“Look!”

The L-shaped girl rotated her grey face upwards one rotation, but still couldn’t see me.

“Rotate one step further and look at my stupid, ugly diagonal face!” I shouted!

The L-shaped girl slowly rotated one step further around, bring her grey face square level with my grey corner square. And… OH MY GOD! Her orange lower square matched my orange lower square too! We were… JOINED! Suddenly we matched PERFECTLY! This was like NOTHING THAT HAD EVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

Her grey face square and orange lower body square perfectly matched my grey top-diagonal square and orange bottom-diagonal square! Then another two diagonals fell on top of us making a PERFECT CUBE!!

Light exploded! A whooshing sound filled my ears! Myself and the L-shaped girl became ONE CUBE! Our faces JOINED, in a BEAUTIFUL ARTY WAY not a HORRIBLE HORROR WAY! We existed only as beings of light and evaporated like all the other cubes, freed from the chains of block-based existence and soaring off into the night sky! It was beautiful! We were together, but without the awkwardness of having to speak to each other because we were gaseous beings of light without mouths!

Then we sort of became solid for a while and had sex in all three positions and I spunked on her lower orange square and got some on her upper grey square.

THE END.

This is Japanese opposition politician Yoji Nagaoka. His claim to fame, as of yesterday, is that he hung himself – because of “Concerns over postal privatisation.”

This is EXACTLY what we need more of. Do you even dare to consider the good that could be done if normal people were prone to indiscriminately committing honourable suicide? Imagine getting up in the morning to be greeted by the following headlines:

BILL GATES HANGS SELF OVER UN-BACKLIT SP OUTSELLING XB IN JAPAN

PETER MOLYNEUX CREATES COMPLETELY UN-BUGGED GAME, HANGS SELF FOR RUINING RECORD

(Ha ha, the very idea)

TRIP HAWKINS HANGS SELF ON GENERAL FUCKING PRINCIPLE

JACQUES: “ANYONE WHO LIKES ME CAN COME AND LIVE IN MY HOUSE AND DO MY LAUNDRY FOR ME AND CUT MY TOENAILS AND MAKE ADORABLE LITTLE LUNCHBOXES FOR ME FULL OF LITTLE SONIC THE HEDGEHOGS MADE OUT OF MEATBALLS WITH COCKTAIL STICKS STUCK IN THEM”

Actually, that last one was just a dream we had after eight hours of drinking Diamond White. We know that Sonic’s nose would be made out of an anchovy because we experimented with raisins, chocolate chips and those evil little oriental pickles that taste like crap. We were going to send it to Rich, but it went stale in the time we spent staring at it and trying to work up the courage to do it so we threw it out of the window and sat at the kitchen table weeping uncontrollably instead.

Turns out star PSP game Lumines was designed ON PURPOSE to make us like it and feel happy:

‘Lumines has “call & response” that lets users feel music with not only ears but eyes and a body. Thus, we could make a game that satisfies physiological feelings such as “feel good” and “fun”.’

That explains why playing Lumines makes us feel as happy as that time the doctor put us on a combination of Prozac and Zoloft after we had that month when we couldn’t get out of bed for crying constantly!

Those strange, unusual feelings we’ve been having — they are “fun” and “feeling good” as experienced by our eyes and body! Now we know what fun feels like. We must try to feel it more. If you would like to assist us in the experiencing of “fun” — or know where fun can be had — please get in touch. We can be fun buddies.

Full Q&A with Lumines producer Tetsuya Mizuguchi here. It’s a bit plain-looking because we stole it off the internet somewhere and don’t have a non-Blogger page template, but is an entertaining read if you’re also newly obsessed about Lumines.

We’d give Lumines on PSP 9/10 compared to “all other games in the world” and 10/10 if we’re just talking about puzzle games. But that’s only based on about 100 hours of play. We might like it more, but we can’t think about opinions because all we see when we close our eyes are rotating squares.

We think we like organizing squares because it means we are in control of the squares. Being in control of and in charge of squares feels great because we’re never allowed or trusted to be in control of or in charge of anything in real life. Can any psychology experts confirm this hypothesis?

We’ve added “organizing squares into squares” to our CV’s hobbies section (along with cycling, going to the cinema and a lie about having written an episode of ‘Coupling’ for the BBC).

IMPROMPTU LUMINES PLAY GUIDE: That all-silver block needs to be dropped on the far-right, creating a block of six mini silver squares that will all disappear. The next block (three orange, one silver) needs to be rotated one step clockwise then dropped one square from the far-right so it makes an orange 4×4 cube on the left and leaves a spare silver square on the right, so the next block (silver/orange diagonal) can be dropped on the far right ‘as is’ to make an additional silver layer of two that will add on to the six we created in step one and will also then disappear. Then the game will make a “WHOOSH-OOSH!” sound and flash a bit so we feel like we’ve achieved something. This game really appeals to our near-autistic need to organize things neatly. THIS IS WHAT WE THINK LIKE ALL DAY IN REAL LIFE.

So far in 2005 we’ve played three* games that are any good. They are PSP Lumines, Xbox MotoGP3 and PSP Virtua Tennis. This means we’re going to have to send an email to people at Sony we haven’t spoken to for about three years asking if we can have a PSP for free. They’re bound to say no. Perhaps we’ll say we’re asking on behalf of Steve Boxer or Steve Hill.

*We also thought Full Auto was extremely ace, but wouldn’t like to admit to that publicly on “the blog” because it’s a game with cars that have got guns on that we’re supposed to sneer about.

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and hopeless in the face of the constant bombardment one experiences on the internet of gameplay movies featuring Japanese gamers finishing Super Mario in eight seconds with 99 lives left. Hooray, then, to mister Hyde who has just taken the Sega crown back for us white devils by beating Ultimate Dark Falz at level 1.

HYDE’S ITENARY OF SHAME

1) He hunts Mil Lillies (one in every 512 lillies) and kills them until one drops Psycho Wand (one in 256 drops).

2) He boosts a level 1 character with all the best spells. Because Psycho Wand takes hit points, this ensures that every spell he casts creates sufficient knockback to kill him, meaning he never gets any experience points.

3) He plays through the entirety of PSO in this way, finally killing Falz on ultimate mode at level 1.

It took him, quite literally, years.

The time may have come to pack up your consoles for good, because unless you plan to complete NiGHTS using your parts of shame to operate the controller* then it’s quite possible nobody will ever, ever be this good at Sega games again.

* Nobody connected with UK:R has ever tried this.**

** Maybe Jon.

London, July 29

Following the successful launch of the Joytech Xbox Fire Extinguisher Joytech is pleased to today announce the launch of the JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER 8″ LCD SCREEN.

JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER 8″ LCD SCREEN AT A GLANCE:

Clips

Screen

Car adaptor kit (optional)

Stereo speaker with Spatial Surround (TM)

Now you can use your JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER on the move, at a friend’s house or even in a car. Email for samples/competition prizes.

From Dennis Norden’s file marked “miscellaneous” we bring you a selection of the emails we’ve got over the last few weeks.

A GREAT PIECE ABOUT MODERN GAME DESIGN:
“Gazunta” writes:

I wrote this on my site, www.gazunta.com, thought it was a bit UK:R-like. So here it is in easy email form. Maybe if you like it you can put a bit of it on your website and then link to mine so I can become a CELEBRITY GAME DESIGNER!!

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE ON HOW TO BE A GOOD MODERN DAY GAME DESIGNER:

1. Come up with a “vision”. Take yourself outside with a notepad and think. Think for a long time. Think long, deep, meaningful thoughts. Think about the synergy between the player and the controller. Think about the Pavolvian connections between cause and effect in a dynamic 3D space. Think about what it would really feel like to be a table, or a tree, or a bridge. Write these thoughts down in your notepad. You are special because you have deep and meaningful thoughts and nobody else does.

2. Think about how many times in a minute you want to press a button. Don’t worry about what it is exactly the game is about yet. Instead, draw a controller and devise a complex system of commands the player can issue. MAKE SURE YOU USE EVERY BUTTON. Games that don’t use every button are not next-gen titles!

3. Don’t play video games. God no. They might corrupt your pure, untainted, dynamic vision. Instead, read Game Developer magazine and promise yourself that you will never make the design mistakes other people did with their games…whatever they were about.

4. When designing the main character, don’t worry about petty things like a list of abilities they have that can be used in the game. You’re better off worrying about what clothes they are wearing, and what the colours on his shirt are saying about the character’s mass market appeal. Spend a week having intense discussions with anyone nearby about the character’s motivation. Should he want to rescue the princess, or would there be a more interestic dramatic tension if he felt forced to by socio-political pressures?

5. Enemies should not be given old-fashioned things like “attacks” or “movement patterns”. The modern day game designer should think of the enemy’s feelings, and draw up a complex list of rules and by-laws that govern its movement. For example: If the Mayor of Metro City bursts into the enemy’s train station, the enemy should try and reach a mutually acceptable compromise about the tresspass. Unless the enemy is feeling tired because they stayed up too late the night before, or there is a problem at home. In fact, since many enemies have a troubled home life, they should try and start an open discourse with the Mayor instead of resorting to barbaric acts of violence with the nearby metal pipe. Next Generation Gaming, right here, right now!

6. When asked to describe the game, use as many big words as you can think of. This will make you sound smart, and show the world that you are the next Will Wright, which is the thought that secretly makes you touch yourself at night.

A RESPONSE TO THE “PECKHAM” UPDATE:
“James Hunt” writes:

Here comes the Infoblast, get ready with your video recorders!

Pek Ham is also a substandard SPAM substitute from Poland that you can buy from ALDI, LIDL, or any other questionable quality foodstores.

http://www.smithfieldfoods.com/Brands/See/animex.asp

My chinese friend buys it. You do not want to know what ‘in natural juices’ means, or how much actual pork is in it.

RUSSIAN SEGA-ADORNED BODYBUILDING CHILD:
“ALEX MARTYNOV” writes:

Hello ukresistance,

See attached pic!

Best regards,
ALEX

A GREAT IMAGE FOR A PSP “BATTERY JOKE”:
“Michael Staiger” writes:

OK, so this is a response to the PSP battery thing which is 7 months old but I’m sure you’ll find a use for these pics of a colossal air/water separation column (apparently) on its way to Ellesmere Port bound for Qatar.

SOMETHING ABOUT WORMS CONDOMS WE’VE POSSIBLY DONE BEFORE:
“Omar Cornut” writes:

Better protect your worm!

Sega’s being our best caring friend, they’re making promotional condoms. For us to wank playing Sakura Taisen, with zero-risk of self-contamination.

The condom package says “Better protect your worm” in french:

Picture stolen from: http://www.the-blue-room.info/archives/44

OTHER COOL STUFF THEY HAVE PHOTOS OF ON THAT SITE:

A Dreamcast CLOTHES BRUSH!

Sonic Heroes SWEETS!!

A Dreamcast MIRROR!!!

A weird Sonic made out of A CARDBOARD BOX :(

SO THAT ROUNDS THAT UP THEN
Wasn’t that nice? Thanks everyone. If we ever get round to making promotional mugs you all get 10p off orders of 20 or more, for your efforts. Cheers, ironic newshounds!

*If you’ve emailed us something we haven’t used here, that’s because (a) it was rubbish, or (b) we’re saving it so we can take all the credit next week.

In shop form!

This is GamesMaster, a games shop located in war-torn Peckham, South London. We thought you might like to see GamesMaster and read a bit about Peckham, especially if you’re from America or a posher part of London (that’s all the rest of it) and have never been there.

NOTE TO FOREIGN READERS:
This is of interest to UK people because back in the early-to-mid-1990s there was a TV show about games on TV called “GamesMaster” that was really good, despite it never featuring enough Sega games in its challenges.

Peckham is a part of London people pretend doesn’t exist. It’s like a lump you find on your body, then ignore and hope it goes away on its own. The residents are scared to go outside, but at least they all have satellite TV for something to do!

Peckham is easily the shittest place in the whole world, including places like Afghanistan and Somalia.

Every time we walk through Peckham we expect to get offered drugs, murdered for drugs, searched for drugs or ground up into powder and used as drugs.

There’s an arcade in Peckham, but we were too scared to go in it as we had our digital camera with us. Knowing Peckham, we didn’t miss much. It probably hasn’t even got Daytona USA in!

If you have shoes that cost more than ten pounds in Peckham you are considered to be a KING.

This is where people from Peckham buy their clothes. You can get a pair of work trousers for around 50p in Primark, apparently, and you get flu and nits for free!

This is Peckham’s idea of a shopping centre. Walking into it feels like being a homosexual and walking into a bar in Texas with a pink t-shirt on. Even in the North of England, like Watford or Hemel Hempstead they have nicer shopping centres than this.

Here, in the sphincter of the sphincter of London, there lies a shop called GamesMaster. We didn’t ask if it is officially licensed from the Channel 4 show or Future Publishing magazine of the same name, we just assumed it is not.

The chances of anyone from Channel 4 or GamesMaster production company Hewland or mag publisher Future ever venturing into Peckham are pretty fucking remote, so we guess they’re safe from getting sued.

Apart from now.

There’s not many people buying things in GamesMaster in Peckham. That’s because if you buy anything in Peckham you get it stolen off you immediately as you leave. It’s like a really harsh tax system designed to keep the poor in their place (Peckham).

GamesMaster in Peckham isn’t on the mailing lists for getting up to date point-of-sale display materials, so they have to make their own out of paper and marker pens.

But it does have the internet! Recent surveys suggest that up to three percent of people who live in Peckham have got the internet, so this is great for the local community.

We are leaving Peckham and still have our digital camera! You stupid idiots! Don’t you know how much drugs you can swap a Sony DSC-W1 for?!

After being in Peckham, every day is a bonus. It’s like we have realised how joyous life can be when you’re not in Peckham and are starting afresh. Look! We took a photo of the sky just to celebrate being alive! Life not in Peckham is great! Oh, and they should bring back GamesMaster on TV.

The Sega Homestar is a planetarium for the 21st Century Home! You lie on the floor in a dark room and look at the ceiling, which is great because we do that all the time anyway!

We don’t know anything else about it than this, because everything else about it on its web page is in Japanese.

The web site makes no mention of games for it, but if it did they’d be (a) Golden Axe, (b) Columns and (c) Streets of Rage 1.

HOMESTAR

There will be a two-pronged attack on Japanese consumers when Xbox 360 launches, to ensure success in the territory:

MARKETING PLAN ONE: Bill Gates is to appeal to the Japanese work ethic by highlighting how hard he’s been personally toiling on the Xbox 360 programme. The polite Japanese people will hopefully then buy the machine to avoid Bill feeling the shame of business failure.

If that fails, MARKETING PLAN TWO is to say how the wireless networking adaptor looks a bit like an iPod Shuffle. IT WILL NOT FAIL!