Our never-ending search for the sickest, filthiest, most degrading promotional photos took us to EA, where low centre of gravity superginge Wayne Rooney was secured for FIFA 2004 PR purposes. Presumably won over by the offer of a FREE GAME and a McDonalds afterwards, young Wayne beamed like only a marginally retarded footballing genius can when being told to hold something and look pleased about it in exchange for ten grand.

Presented here, in full click-to-download desktop glory, is the most evil promotional photo of all-time:

“That’s the girlfriend’s birthday present sorted out”

SEND CAPTIONS, WIN A PRIZE
Seeing as we aren’t funny any more, why don’t you send us captions for the above photo? Go on, be funny — then pick one of these BRAND NEW DREAMCAST GAMES as your prize. Has your face just lit-up like Wayne’s? See, we got a whole pile of old Dreamcast games still in their cellophane from Sega recently. We would’ve sold them for drugs but you don’t get much drugs for Conflict Zone, even if it is still in its cellophane.

So… say what game out of these you want when you submit your caption, and we really will send it out to the winner, even if you live in America (although you might have to wait six months for the bottle to float across the Atlantic).

Following up our Ninja Gaiden slime story, forum regular “Munter S Thompson” sent us these two images of American popbait the Olsen Twins, having done to them what we imagine Captain Jax and Commander Zorg would do to them should they ever visit Earth:

Which reminds us of the below photo we’ve been saving for ages, that shows the lovely twins (front) with their HIDEOUS HAG OF A MOTHER standing behind. This perfectly illustrates why Logan’s Run was a good idea and why men don’t often go out with women their age. Next time, girls, LEAVE HER AT HOME.

We don’t get tired of looking at press images. The thrill of looking into the eyes of the models, knowing that they’re hating themselves, knowing they feel empty, knowing with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that they’re regretting it and hoping no one will ever see the photos, never fades. Look at her. She’s trying to mask it, but you can tell. She’ll go home and cry, and won’t even tell anyone why. Praise God you’re not attractive enough to do this as a job.

Site updates cause mass panic
The games industry was left reeling today after the Thought-To-Be-Dead videogames website UK:Resistance was updated 5 times in one week. A shocked insider told us, “We thought Jon and Gary had given up but they’ve come back with all this, what’s going on?” High ranking executives at Sony hastily called a board meeting to discuss the implications of the updates – allegedly believeing it signalled the imminent resurrection of the mighty Sega. A furious Sony boss is said to have ordered the PS3 be doubled in power to counter what was certain to be a secret Dreamcast successor in development.

OTHER THINGS THAT AREN’T FUNNY ANY MORE
#6: Kieron Gillen

Breaking news this morning from keen-eyed reader Richard Perrin, who seems to have spotted a bargain every Sega fan will want. “See the attached banner ad image, it blatantly gives away the shocking news that Sega Enterprises is to be sold on eBay for under £50!”

Own Sega for less than 50 quid. The ultimate collectible for any Sega fan.

We’ve got the scoop! Yu Suzuki’s opus is set to conclude with ‘Shenmue III – Ryo Goes West’, to be released on Xbox later this year. In the continuing quest to avenge his daddy – Ryo travels to the UK and embarks on a nationwide adventure. Walking late at night on London’s Hampstead Heath, Ryo meets Paulo, a fashion designer who offers to escort him on his trip and gives him some leather trousers to go with his jacket. The normally passive natured Ryo becomes more versatile as the game progresses and he has plenty of opportunity to discover the true power he wields in his fists. Together they visit locations like Manchester’s Canal Street, and the cosmopolitan area of Soho in London, before a final epic scene of gang action in the dockyards of Portsmouth.

Following yesterday’s revelation about the sheer volume of breasts present in outstanding Xbox game Ninja Gaiden, we can now show the sick, dark underbelly of creators Team Ninja that festers behind this seemingly innocent creation. Beautiful heroine Rachel, 23, is DEGRADED by having DISGUSTING SLIME spewed over her by a monster — purely for our sexual gratification — in what must rank as one of gaming’s most repulsive moments. Were we not precisely in the target demographic this sort of thing is aimed at, we’d be shocked.

Rachel (middle), with her tits (left and right) covered in monster slime of a POSSIBLY SEXUAL nature.

The slime also extends to her belly and, sickeningly, her upper thighs.

They did it in Dead or Alive on the Saturn. They did it again in Dead or Alive 2 on Dreamcast. And Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball marked the pinnacle of breast development in video games — until now! Meet Rachel, spritual guru and confidant of Ryu in Tecmo’s astonishing Ninja Gaiden. She has by far the largest and most splendidly self-supporting breasts yet programmed by develpment man. These are not movie clips, they are real-time Xbox-powered jubblies. N-joi.

Yes, that is quite difficult to believe.

Come back tomorrow to see more of Rachel — soaked in mutant slime!

Have you found a thing we might like? That’s GREAT NEWS, as it could save us having to despairingly trawl NewsNow at 11.55am trying to find something to do something about today. Thanks in advance.

This is how to make contact.

METHOD A
If you know about computers and your email system is set up properly, you can click here to send us an email.

METHOD B
If you don’t know about computers and nothing happens when you click on that link, or something WEIRD opens up you’ve never used before and don’t like the look of, use this –

ukresistance@hotmail.com

METHOD C (TBA)
We may at some point in the future put a mail form in here. But making ones that cope with attachments is a bit hard. And we are not good at being patient with PHP scripts.

Thanks.