A thing is deemed to have reached CRITICAL MASS when three separate individuals email us links to it. Three things have reached CRITICAL MASS so far this week.

CRITICAL MASS #1
Eurogamer’s Ellie Gibson (unshakeable mental image) met and spoke to Yuji Naka. She mentioned UKR. The bad news is Yuji Naka hasn’t heard of UKR. The good news is he seems to be up for a bit of flirtatious MSN action with us in the future!

CRITICAL MASS #2
This literally sensational thing about Sony off of The Onion. It is crushingly painful to forget about The Onion for six years, then go back to it and find it’s STILL very funny. Actually better. What are they ON?

Such a shame. We had a REALLY big and comprehensive update featuring Dreamcast logo-like spirals planned for today. It will have to wait until tomorrow. Alison Carroll waits for NO MAN (unless she’s made a prior booking to receive at her flat for £250 an hour).

This one’s best. We usually like to save the best one for last, but thought we’d BUST convention and just go for it. You only live once. Fuck it. FUCK IT! Let’s put the best picture up FIRST!

Not that any of them are what you’d call shabby.

Sent in by “Rory” who says he got them off a site called WENN.

We think you’re supposed to pay for photos from WENN, which adds a thrilling element of theft to these already-quite-thrilling photos.

If WENN gets in touch and asks us to take them down we’ll ignore the email. We’re not losing these.

We still saved a pretty good one for last.

Mucky little Alison Carroll has proved remarkably resilient for a Lara Croft model – here she is from last week, where she was wheeled out, wiped down, propped up, given something to hold and told to trudge through the same old poses YET AGAIN for the pleasure of men who can only make eye contact with her via the security of the 2.4″ LCD monitor on the digital camera.

Disgustingly smudged screen. This is why women shouldn’t be allowed to have expensive technology. They get Vaseline over EVERYTHING.

Have you ever used a computer after a woman? The mouse always smells of flowers, there are greasy thumb marks on the space bar and what looks like specks of yogurt on the screen.

For the first two years, all new household gadgets must be exclusively used by the male in the house. Only then, when they’re already a bit grimy, can women be allowed to get hand cream and assorted moisturisers all over them.

She’s holding up well, isn’t she? That looks like a proper, genuine smile, not the sort of fake, lifeless dead-eyed grin we’ve come to associate with people who work full-time within the video game industry.

Right. That’s it. You’ve had TWO porn updates in a row, now. So tomorrow it’s spiral time. More spirals that you can possibly imagine. Spiral curtains. Spiral mugs. Spiral lamps. That’s the deal.

PREVIOUS STALKING ACTION

Foreign telly OUTRAGE

Corridor spycam EXCLUSIVE

Her in hi-res

“Crotch-gate”

We’re allowed to reproduce these images for free. So we might as well. The only cost involved in putting these on the internet is the cost of our time.

Looking at the ad-revenue figures for January, our time is worth 0.02p per hour.

The ladies are having promotional fun because of We Cheer, a game for Wii. Wii is the hot new games machine that everyone is buying and playing for about 35 minutes before packing it away until next Christmas.

Finally, Wii developers have stopped targeting women and children and started targeting pathetic lonely men unable to effectively communicate with real women.

There were six photographs. Sadly, photograph #5 was just of a Wii and the game box, so we have not reproduced it.

They sent out photo #4 as a montage. They can’t have got much usable material from the event.

This is where photo #5 would’ve gone, had it not been of the box and a Wii. Such a waste. It could’ve been an additional close-up of the brown-haired one’s thighs :(

Congratulations, 505 Games. If this was your aim, it worked. And thanks. Thanks for this, and thanks for releasing Raiden III in PAL territories. We should’ve thanked you for releasing Raiden III in PAL territories at the time, it was very kind of you to make such an effort to please so few people. Here’s a press release in which you can read the thoughts of some cheerleaders.

WE CHEER GOES DOWN A STORM WITH CHEERLEADERS

505 GAMES RECRUITS SHEFFIELD STORM ALL-STAR TEAM FOR WE CHEER

Milton Keynes, 6th February – 505 Games has called in the pros to run an expert eye over the upcoming Namco Bandai cheerleading title, We Cheer available exclusively for Nintendo Wii. Three of the Sheffield Storm All-star Team’s finest launched promotional activity for the game last week by wowing press at Nintendo’s Wii Flat in anticipation of the 6th February release date. The Storm girls took a break from their recent recruitment drive to take some time getting familiar with the game as well as showing off the title, and their skills, to members of the press and retail.

“We’re more than happy to be involved with a game which will hopefully give more publicity to our sport, which is always growing in popularity in this country,” commented Coral Head, Storm All-stars founder. “I’m a bit of a gamer myself but this was the first time I’d played a Wii. Now I have no excuses!”

We Cheer allows all future all-star recruits to brush up on their techniques using two Wii remotes as virtual pom-poms to reach the top of their game. Following on-screen commands, players spin, shimmy and shake their way through a choice of 30 high-energy songs spanning over four decades of music. Taking cheering to the next level, the special Workout Mode helps to burn calories as you cheer and dance. Fitness buffs can choose the exercise program they want to take part in before hitting the gym with a specially chosen trainer who encourages them throughout the workout.

“I personally like the fact that the developers have taken the time to choreograph real cheerleader moves,” added Coral. “It’s a cool way for kids to get a bit of a work out too. We certainly had to throw ourselves about a bit on the harder songs, the lads here didn’t seem to mind too much though.”

An Australian shop is giving away the SEGA Ultimate Collection LP when you buy the game, should you want to buy the game from an alternate PAL region and get it for free.

You have to live in Australia though. This update is useless.

“Hey, readers may note that the limited edition bit of plastic is only $59 here in Aus. Which probably equates to 13 pence at the moment with the exchange rate” – John.

This one’s for the 10 Australian readers we’ve had as of 10.09am today.

JOHN’S SUPERB STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS “PS”
“Also can you refrain from using the word ‘journalist’ in association with games. Hunter S. Thompson was a journalist, fear and loathing on the campaign trail was journalism – writing a fucking review of a slightly tweaked version of FIFA year-on-year in your shared shit-hole apartment full of retro games and Simpsons figures whilst wanking yourself into oblivion over episodes of Heroes is not ‘journalism’. Sticking feathers up your arse does not make you a chicken.”

By selling off promotional items to help people what have found lumps on their genitalia.

This one is at $370, but be warned – numerous journalists will be supplementing their meagre incomes by flogging copies they got off SEGA for free in the coming weeks if you want one cheaper.

Sent in by “Retroid” who then also said “Paul” after in brackets, so we’re not sure if he’d rather be known as Retroid or Paul. We’ll just call him Rupaul. Rupaul said he found in on Eurogamer.

ADDITIONAL SEGA-FAN ACTION FOR TODAY
Lucky still-young Adam Doree got to interview Yuji Naka. Mr Naka said he wished SEGA had risked it all by not giving up on the hardware, and wore an extremely ‘fruity’ colour-coordinated outfit.

Utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, complete, utter, utter, utter, total, utter, utter MISERY.

Editorially speaking, we have refrained from using the word “cunt” on the main page for reasons of decency. But now might be the time to introduce it into common parlance.

Still better than the current output of Three Speech, though.

Electronic Arts, in a staggering display of ineptitude not seen since it decided not to support the Dreamcast, managed to lose $641m in Q3 2008, despite releasing FIFA, Madden, Need for Speed, Spore, Rock Band and more last year.

It’s OK. Gemma will be issuing relief in 2009.

From this lot, who neglected to mention that it’s the not-supporting-Dreamcast decision at the root of it all.

A man, presumably fully-grown, made some Sonics out of snow because he was too metrosexual to go out in the snow in his expensive trainers yesterday. He may have given away enough information about his whereabouts in these photos for someone to track down where he lives.

He must live in 61 or 63.

“As I can not go to work today I built two Sonic heads to protect me from evil sales people today. Hope you like the pictures and I hope you like my camera” – RyokoSparda.

He used a Panasonic Lumix TZ3, which is a pretty aspirational piece.

Sony’s had a new idea. It wants people to generate their own lifestyle photography of how much FUN it is playing PlayStation. Sony no doubt thinks this idea will “go viral” and be a smash.

It’s here. You might want to spend a fun afternoon sending in photos of Japanese men in suits sobbing while looking at financial projections and composing redundancy letters.

This one is non-ironically titled “PlayStation PlayaZ 4-EVER“. It sums up everything about why we are still FIGHTING and why we will NEVER STOP FIGHTING until the world has been CLEANSED.

A girl, not being very good. Or interested. Very PlayStation.

Achingly lifestyle. PlayStation isn’t just for cocks, it’s also for bored mums to stare at in mild confusion after a bottle and a half of wine. It’s the new Nintendo Wii.

We’re thinking of declaring war on all animals and the entire internet next. We wouldn’t stand a chance, but would go down fighting, and if we could take down a few hundred smug cats with us it will be worth it.