You can have a steak and onion pie for £425 or a cheese and onion slice for £399. Bound to be a winner. Bread is free, but it’s burnt and inedible and there’s a massive queue for it.

“Sony may be doing even worse than we all thought. Apparently, it’s entered the pastry business as a last ditch effort to clot the gaming division’s massive cash haemorrhage” – Michael.

Expensive embroidered colour logo. Dreams woven into every strand, to celebrate NEC and SEGA announcing the glorious hardware partnership that would surely dominate the gaming world for years to come.

It has faded slightly, not through wear, but through being stared at adoringly.

“I was going through my closet tonight when I found this. It’s a Project Katana button-down shirt that was worn at E3 in 1998. Note the fine stitching of the logos! Someone clearly worked very hard on this. For some reason finding this made me very sad and reminded me of a day when I actually had a girlfriend, a full head of hair, and unconditional love of all things SEGA. Now if you excuse me I’m going to cry some more in the corner of my empty, dark apartment. Love, Colin” – Colin.

100% solid gold news! PlayStation “brand” associated with sick child kidnapper in poorly-written national news report! We will remember today as one of the greatest days. PlayStation is, literally, for doers of evil.

THE LINK OF JOY:
Evil Shannon mum Karen Matthews gets Playstation as a reward

Just when you think everyone in the country hates you enough, you get outed in the national press as a PlayStation3 fan. It’s enough to make you pity the disgusting, low-grade, nylon-clad hag.

“I love the way they explain all about the PS3 at the end though, the actual paper itself had a nice shiny picture too. It seems she’s taken Ken Kutaragi’s advice to get another job to be able to get a PS3 a little too literally” – Chris.

Two-for-one pre-Christmas sale. We’d be letting you down even more than usual by splitting these up into two individual posts, so, in the hope that two negatives really do make a positive…

“I thought I’d get on the bandwagon with unofficial merchandise. One Silver photo frame. Commiserations” – John Stephens.

“I have had this door mat for 3.5 years.. I have only just realised…” – Dan.

Incredible scenes. We haven’t had a spike in traffic like this since the middle of 2003, when someone sent a link to someone else.

Imagine the disappointment on all their tiny, LCD-lit faces.

Celebrating alone again this year? Baked beans and turkey burgers on toast as you wonder how early is too early to drink yourself to sleep and contemplate forcing out a wank over Duffy’s legs and boots on Christmas Top of the Pops?

Each cracker contains a joke. Perhaps we should buy a box to keep us in material during January of 2008.

“To get in the festive spirit I picked up these awesome crackers (six crackers for a quid) when I noticed them in the window of a Pound-shop. SEGA is cleverly marketing Dreamcast through the unusual route of discount traditional festive items. As a blind SEGA fanboy I have clearly got my hopes up that each cracker will contain a VMU (complete with batteries) or a Rumble Pack and given SEGA’s track record of never disappointing its loyal fans I suspect I may have under-estimated the true bundle of joy contained within each golden-hued cracker, resplendent with it’s majestic ribbon trim.

“To simulate the late arrival of online gaming on DC in the West I have decided to wait until our work Christmas do to open these (I know, I know – my colleagues don’t realise how much of a treat they are in for) so expect and update regarding the novelty gift. I’m thinking the hat might be Sonic themed and the joke might even be a PS3 console.

“Photo is in a much higher resolution than the last update I sent you but apologies for the flash reflection. I couldn’t control my excitement and it was a borrowed camera. Enjoy!” – James G”

BORROWED DIGITAL CAMERA REVIEW
2448×3264 image taken on a Sony DSC W100. Much as we enjoy “hating on” Sony, the W range of digital cameras is quality through and through, or at least it was when we acquired a cheap W1 about five years ago. Cost-cutting may have taken hold since, mind.

Here’s what was on the adult’s menu this week while you were here in the garden eating your fish fingers and chips with a spoon. You’ve got some on yourself.

This thing about the Sarah Palin turkey slaughtering incident, which if you haven’t heard about, is actually worth hearing about and watching the accompanying video footage. There’s ONE OF US in the background fantasising about putting her in the machine next.

This thing about a Battlestar Galactica poster, which is much less worth reading about, to be honest.

This thing which is little more than an admission to spending a significant amount of time wanking over Gwen Stefani (photos) in the past.

This thing about metal-detecting. Wouldn’t bother. It did get linked to by some metal-detecting forums, though. If you thought your life was bad, just be happy you’re not a member of a metal-detecting forum and therefore really into metal-detecting AND the internet. It certainly put a few things into perspective here.

This thing about Konnie Huq doing a promotional video for Blu-ray, because you can’t not download, re-encode, upload and embed video clips like this then spend several hours browsing the ‘related videos’ in horror when they come along:

Or maybe 6600 years, depending on if you add that bit on or take it away. Quite a lot of years, anyway.

“Whilst touring the Down County museum in N. Ireland, I was STUNNED to see that Dreamcast had a long and illustrious history in Ulster. According to the display, it ruled from 7,000BC to AD400. Unfortunately it doesn’t confirm that a new console is in production, but we all know that already. Regards” – Anon.

This is going to be the most popular update in the history of UKR, just you wait and see. It’ll get 15,000 Diggs, will appear on the front page of Yahoo Buzz, clock up more than 20,000 WankOvers, be hotter than the sun on N4G and get a link from BBC News and The Sun. Just you wait.

The server’s going to be down for at least 72 hours after this gets out, so we’ll see you on the other side next Monday with 1.5million new readers. Be nice – 1.2million of them will be girls!

“You all seem really depressed lately, so I thought I would send you a picture of my cat using a Dreamcast controller as a pillow. I would have added a funny caption, but I’m not actually clever enough to think of one. There, isn’t that better?” – Eric.

Like the abandoned homes in the nuclear death zone surrounding Chernobyl, Sonic merchandise reveals a snapshot of a long-forgotten and more innocent age. Did people in the early 1990s really buy one brand of pencils over another brand of pencils thanks to the promise of maybe winning a Mega CD?

“Sega/Crayola contest with Sonic coloured pencil! Sincerely” – Thu Nguyen.

Thank Thu very much.

As part of the UKR screening process that ever submitter must go through, we Googled “Thu Nguyen” – and found that some Thu Nguyens are boys, and some are girls. We’ll imagine this one’s a girl, even though the odds of that are significantly greater than the odds of winning that second-generation Mega CD.