Entries in the ‘Uncategorized’ Category:

THE SEGA TOYS… HEALING LOG

Proof that we won’t automatically buy anything with the SEGA Toys logo on. The SEGA Toys Healing Log. Or, the SEGA Toys Realistic Lady’s Poo (XXL).

“Subtly enhance any room when relaxing ambient sounds begin, and the source is the Iyashi-log. Shaped as a piece of Japanese-style charcoal (a traditional sign of cleanliness), the Iyashi Healing Log blends perfectly into any room and adds beauty not only as a sound source, but in style as well.”

“What SEGA’s making instead of Dreamcast 2. A ‘Healing Log’. What the… :(” – Matt.

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IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR NATASHA BEDINGFIELD…

It’s good enough for us.

Natasha Bedingfield, grasping firmly

She has accepted the EA pound to promote forthcoming music game for underachieving children “Boogie Superstar.” Hopefully there will be a press event for “bloggers” which we will get invited to.

'Wow! That looks great! Can I come back to your place for a go?'

We could look into her eyes and easily lie about liking this game, were it to lead to anything of a romance nature. We’d even wank off her brother if it meant getting within lunging/grabbing distance.

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TOMB RAIDER GIRL IN LATE NIGHT HOTEL CORRIDOR SPYCAM SHOCK

These through-the-spyhole photos of the Lara Croft model were taken by a man in a hotel near the Game Convention show in Leipzig. He heard noises outside his hotel room, noises loud enough to be heard over the hotel pornography channel and his own laboured breathing.

He investigated. He somehow managed to get his camera to work through the spy hole in the door and took photos of Lara going into the room opposite. Sex may have happened inside, possibly with her still wearing the costume and just pulling the relevant parts of it to one side to allow access, but that’s just us speculating.

Sensational field work

“We were demoing our game at Leipzig this week where the new Lara Croft made an appearance, wielding buns and guns and generally trying not to get molested by hordes of sweaty acne-riddled east-German teenagers. She almost succeeded. In the first pic she is still letting people get close to her, and let them smell her hair (it smells of cabbage and cheap fags). It is not me in the pic. The only real-life video game character I would touch would be through a flying tackle. She is definitely do-able, if a little short for a Lara. That night though, things got more interesting.”

Technologically astounding photographic work

“One colleague of mine who shall remain nameless lest he be mauled to death by his girlfriend, was hanging about in his hotel room one evening when he heard women’s voices in the hallway. As any one of us would do, he looked through the peephole. And what does he see? Lara is getting into the hotel room across from him. As you can see by the pics, he used his iPhone camera to snap pics of the poor girl through the looking hole before dropping his trousers and making meowing noises at the door. I think you guys can appreciate the creepiness and down-right terror these pictures will instil in people. Ms Croft may even call the cops on this one.”

Finest submission in years

“We suggested he should knock on the door wearing his bathrobe asking for a spare towel, or directions to the sauna in the vague hope of some German style pornography ensuing, but all he managed was to dreamily stare through the peek-hole for a few hours before falling asleep. Anyway, felt we had to send this one in. Hope you enjoy the perviness of it” – Seb.

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SONIC MERCHANDISE IS NOW IRONIC :(

Sonic t-shirts would seem to be the new ironic heavy metal t-shirts. We don’t know if this is good or salty-upper-lip bad.

Sonic t-shirts - as ironic as cowboy shirts and big sunglasses :((((

“Found this in the window of our local Next. It’s selling a new Sonic T-Shirt with the print authentically distressed to show its 1991 vintage. The mannequin was wearing two shirts which made it impossible to tell whether it’s going for £7 or £14. Keep up the great work. Though we die, La Resistance lives on” – Nicholas.

Uniqlo's ill-advised excursion into video game character licensing

We also had lots of emails a while back regarding the awesome SEGA t-shirt range that was for sale via UNIQLO. It even hit the UK, but was discounted pretty quickly. Some things never change.

Blue t-shirts on games web sites campaign

BUSINESS PLAN: Perhaps we ought to buy 1000 of these and make this the new official UKR t-shirt by flogging them on for £12?

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PHIL HARRISON CELEBRATES THE PHIL HARRISON YEARS

It looks like Phil Harrison gave himself an award when he left Sony, a little something to remind him that things used to be good once.

'When I first came up with the idea of giving myself an award...'

Sam sent this in. He found it on the maker’s site, where they say it was “commissioned by Sony Computer Entertainment (SCE) for the president of SCE worldwide.”

'...my mum... all the staff at Dixons... my barber for being so discreet...'

Technically, for sales purposes, this contains copyrighted imagery of PS3, so can be counted as a PS3 that Sony shipped during 2008.

'I would like to thank UKR for all the publicity'

Well done, Phil. It’s a shame everything half-decent you did during the first eight years was obliterated by the shitstorm of the final two, though.

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ELSEWHERE ON "THE NETWORK" #00035

It’s the return of the weekly update that always seems to slip down between the sofa cushions of UKR and pass without comment. It’s what we have done on other sites. Sites that don’t mind being called blogs. Sites that don’t mind us doing things like this.

  • This thing about tits and legs monsters.
  • This thing about the Duran Duran back catalogue.
  • This thing about that Braid game, which subsequently got linked to by Kotaku so is classified as GARY IS A GOOD BOY.
  • This thing about Kirk/Uhura sexy cosplay opportunities.
  • This thing in which we continue “hating on” Sony product placement in James Bond films.
  • This thing about midlands women who work in the meat retail trade, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:
  • Her name is Clare Lusted. We didn't pay enough attention at first

    We hope you enjoyed reading it as much as we enjoyed painfully and slowly slogging through it while hunched up inside on sunny days. 7/10.

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    Wii APPEARS ON OUR RADAR FOR SEVERAL SECONDS

    We usually have as much interest in buying a Wii as we do buying a swab of herpes virus off the internet and applying it liberally to the underside of our foreskins, then boiling up the swab to make a nice meaty soup.

    However, things can change quite rapidly in the world of video game criticism.

    Samba de Amigo - possibly Wii-converting game

    We reserve the right to change viewpoints and opinions by 100% on any given day, when SEGA games are involved.

    Samba de Amigo - possibly Wii-converting game

    Today, for example, we may just decide to declare Wii the best thing ever.

    Samba de Amigo - possibly Wii-converting game

    Because of this.

    Samba de Amigo - possibly Wii-converting game

    Because of HER!

    Samba de Amigo - possibly Wii-converting game

    There is a full tracklisting for Wii Samba here. It is enough to have us popping down to Toys R Us at lunchtime to place a pre-order. At least we held out for nearly two full years before caving in to Nintendo’s scheme.

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    SHIT. CAN ANYONE LEND US A PS3?

    After millions of pounds of wasted development cash to find a game that makes the PS3 worth owning along come the amazing SUMO Digital with the sole reason for possibly, maybe getting one, a GTI Club remake! Setting aside this betrayal by SUMO when they could be remaking Daytona USA we still want to play the amazing GTI Club, even if it means we’ll have to lock the doors, draw the curtains and wear a disguise.

    Third best racing game ever.

    FUCK. FUCK. FUCK

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    THINGS SEGA DID FIRST AND BEST: LOCAL CHAT

    Forget Nintendo’s cock-drawing-transmitting Pictochat device, SEGA was facilitating experimental adolescent sex chat FIRST with its IR7000 Communicator. Quite an achievement, considering the technological limitations of the time period.

    It has 14 amazing features, several of which are explained on the box. We’re betting one of the remaining ten is “Durable plastic casing.”

    'My place after school, love Uncle Colin x'

    From here. Even comes with “Original battery bundle.” Imagine that!

    WHO SENT THIS IN?
    Someone did, but we’ve lost your email. Sorry about that. Thanks, anyway. If you had anything particularly funny to say about it send it in and we’ll stick it on.

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    THE URBAN THING WAS ACCEPTABLE IN 2D

    A smiling face. That’s the key. If this artwork was drawn today, Sonic would be snarling. Or looking down at you in some way. Or pointing a gun at your bitch. Or just coming across as aggressive while he TXT MSGs his crew about when/where the heroin shipment is arriving.

    But back THEN, in the happy times, everyone smiled. Even when they were doing something Xtreme.

    Sonic The Friendly Gang Member

    Apparently found lying about in Hyde Park.

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