Only it looks like a Gizmondo-style exercise in a few company bosses chucking venture capital around for their own amusement. Here, they hired a couple of medium-class hookers on the pretence of shooting a promotional video:

We’re supposed to be excited about this Brazilian portable Mega Drive emulator, but we are not. There is nothing particularly evocative or prestigious about the “Tectoy” brand. It is not steeped in history. We did not spend ten years in a bedroom entranced by Tectoy productions.

Tectoy can, to be blunt, stick its licensed, recycled rubbish up its own arse.

Also, we have HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH of paying for Golden fucking Axe on various retro compilations. And that type of blue plastic always breaks in minutes. If you want to do this sort of thing, hack a PSP. Free Mega Drive games for ever and a powerful sense of rebellion against The Man.

The gist of all the below is that the PS3 web browser crashes when trying to load Richard Jacques’ MySpace page. Can people submitting update ideas please try to get the point across in one or two lines in future?

No one’s ever going to read all of this:

We have no option but to take their word for it when they say this is what happenes when you look at Richard’s MySpace page on a PS3. Here is the story…

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A FOOL AND A PLAYSTATION…
Me and my ill educated friend enjoy reading your site and often read through your archives together. My ill educated friend is so ill educated that he bought a PS3 shortly after its release, and is incapable of reading things that should make him feel degraded for doing so. Anyway, he reads the site, ironically, on his PS3, and the other day he clicked the link you gave to Richard’s MySpace.

To our surprise the PS3 failed to load the page! The error said “there wasn’t enough memory” which isn’t a surprise as the console is shit and only has 256MB of ram, not even enough to run Photoshop CS2. Which it can’t do anyway as Sony’s “home computer” thing doesn’t allow you to install things. What is a surprise is that this only happens on Jacques’ MySpace page. Other MySpace pages of lesser people work fine, but Richard’s will not load and crashes the browser. This is surely a sick joke from Sony. I guess they have a problem with the genius himself, and SEGA, and are just intolerant of better companies. But hey, this is expected of Sony. I hate them as much as you do. The enclosed photos are pretty poor, especially the last one, but you get the idea. Sorry if having to see something on a PS3 burns your eye sockets but we all have a job to do.

Sony has clearly caught us sleeping in this war. Now is the time to retaliate!

From Adam in Durham

PS. Warhawk is now out on PS3 for download / purchase in stores, has no single player (online exclusive) and despite being a fairly good effort at a PS3 exclusive game plus being an alright price of 20 quid, it is impossible to get into a match. Create your own and the max players is four. I wonder when Sony will learn that making something online exclusive doesn’t mean it’s better, it just means that the only people that can “enjoy” it are persistent fat Americans. The end had better be nigh…

The bloke from here was spotted at a Spanish cosplay event in 2006, wearing the same costume. This is not particularly exciting, but you can’t pass up on the chance to see video footage from a Spanish cosplay event, can you?

It also gives you an idea of how badly it must smell.

Here is how we have amused ourselves on a variety of other internet news locations this past five working news days. The updates are of varying quality.

This thing about some loser hooking up with some other loser so neither of them has to suffer the embarrassment of dying alone.

This thing about a music search portal which features enough Pet Shop Boys references to have the internet questioning our sexual orientation for months.

This thing about meetings in which we used an image from the sensational NWYH archive.

This thing about an exciting development in Xbox 360 error messages.

This thing about the Sony Ericsson W380, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

The last week gets a solid yet unspectacular 6/10.

Xbox 360 outsold PlayStation3 in Japan last week. This heaps shame on the families and friends of all associated with Sony, a deep shame that will infect their children and their children’s children for 1000 years.

It is a good time to be selling suicide paraphernalia in the vicinity of Sony’s Japanese HQ.

JAPANESE HARDWARE SALES, WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 4

DS: 78,597
PSP: 59,714
Wii: 37,617
360: 17,673
PS3: 17,434
PS2: 10,209

New hardware variation required, Sony! Keep them coming and soon you might hit on one people actually want.

Version 2.0 of Sony’s PS3 firmware lets you CHANGE THE COLOUR of the media blade! You can also have UNLIMITED music playlists now! You may also TURN ON YOUR PS3 while not even in the house by using your PSP! These are the innovative features gamers have been crying out for!

Sony is back, back, BACK!

As ever, it’s a comedy riot over at official European PS3 hate focal point Three Speech. Reactions to the world’s most disappointing update have been a bit, shall we say, muted.

The winner was found as early as post three. Please email us to claim your free t-shirt, “Trond”. Brilliant work. Precise, yet emotional.

The photos are online over at SEGA Europe’s Flickr account. There’s a quite unnecessary 15 pages of pictures like this:

SEGA had a special day for special people, to promote the Sonic/Mario Olympic game. We were not invited. Had we been invited we would have made up an excuse not to attend, so it was for the best.

This is why we wouldn’t have attended. There is nothing worse in the entire world than being forced to wear someone else’s clothes then being forced have fun, while someone takes photos you know damn well are going to end up on the internet. It’s modern-day torture.

We like to imagine a few of the attendees were thinking “I hope those photos of me in the stupid hair don’t end up on UKR.”

At least there was some of this. This means the game’s going to get in The Sun so should sell more copies than, say, Virtua Fighter 5 on Xbox 360, which didn’t make it into the top FORTY this week (despite the UKR reference hidden within it).

We can also take pleasure in the fact that Sonic appears to have larger genitals than Mario. In fact, Mario looks like he’s got more of a camel toe.

Whoever was inside the Sonic costume got a bit carried away by the excitement of it all, though.

This is not helping Sonic look any cooler. Mario seems quite ashamed to be near the imbecile in the blue costume.

Too much. Too much of the hands and legs. Too much everything.

He just won’t stop. Someone from SEGA Japan ought to have been on hand to stop the man in the Sonic costume ruining 15 years of good work. You couldn’t even punch him in the face, as it wouldn’t hurt with all that padding.

Is this why some people hate Sonic?

And you thought brand Sonic didn’t have any kudos left to lose.

This is what happens when you get drama students to wear the costumes.

That’s Stuart Hall. He was amazingly famous in the 1970s and early 1980s, so famous that some of his fame still survives to this very day.

Here, Mr Hall is groping one of The Sun girls through her costume. He probably can’t feel anything though.

Add this scene to the list of reasons why we tend not to reply to emails about press events for web sites.

There was a moment when it looked like the whole day was going to be a PR DISASTER as a man NEARLY DIED.

But at least one person had fun.

Red! Why would it be red? He must be part of a secret SEGA hit squad! Or maybe he’s the man who looks after the car parking facilities at the SEGA office? The in-house SEGA fire marshall for when they have to evacuate the building as part of the monthly fire drill test? Or perhaps he’s a normal man who wears clothes he found dumped in a skip in 2001?

FROM HIM: “Imagine my jubilation this morning when on a Monday morning trudge to the office, I spotted this bright red angel a little ahead of me. Apologies for the shitty quality etc. You’ll see he’s brandishing a clipboard – I’ll wager there’s an army of these angels on a mission to petition. If this isn’t evidence of the Dreamcast’s imminent return then… – Andromeda.”

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE!
Here is the AMAZING TRUE STORY behind the red SEGA jacket:

“It’s an Arsenal coach jacket. From when that goon at SEGA decided it would be better getting a free box at Highbury than informing the world of the single greatest piece of technology ever – Stefanio Walterelli.”

LATE EDITION CORRECTION!
This the the ACTUAL amazing true story behind the red SEGA jacket:

“The jacket is not anything to do with Arsenal but is in fact an official SEGA Rally (as in the new one) jacket that was sold to SEGA staff only and given away as comp prizes some place. I work at SEGA and was on the QA team for Rally, but decided that I wasn’t middle-aged enough to buy such a comfy, practical yet ugly piece of marketing apparel. Several did, however, and the office is somewhat littered with these things. If you’re interested I may be able to get hold of one for you? – Will.”

Some men are born great. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Others fashion their own greatness out of blue nylon sheets and red vinyl carpet tiles. This man will one day lead his nation to many glorious war victories, such is his dazzling audacity and skill. In the mean time, here he is being confused and misunderstood.

All hail the new leader of the free world:

SPOTTED BY: “Today I went to a manga festival (Salo del Manga) here in Barcelona, Spain. I was walking, saw him and it was like ‘wow!!’. I went running to this guy, I was holding the camera, we didn’t need to talk, he stopped, made the pose and this is the result! Hahahahahaha! Also, the guy at the right is like ‘I’m so cool!’ xD. The photo is 2848 x 4256, so it could be used as wallpaper… for the brave – Bernat.”