Here’s an email we got about Nintendo giving away sex aids to children. If only all our emails were this imaginative, this much about sex, and this free of typos, instead of from angry retro gamers and weirdos who think we’re serious about wanting to rape Cream’s bottom:

“In case you weren’t aware yet, McDonalds in America has made a deal with Nintendo to make six Nintendo-themed toys for their Happy Meals, asking kids to “Take The Mario Challenge” (whatever the fuck that means). However, it would appear to anyone clever enough to see through Nintendo’s paper-thin disguise that the “toys” are actually sex aids for the kids’ parents and “Take The Mario Challenge” translates directly to “Let Mario And His Friends Help You Jizz All Over Your C&A Jogging Bottoms”.

“Please find enclosed photos of the three most dubious items.”

“A Mario ‘ball’, clearly small enough to be inserted into the anus for
homosexual male stimulation.”

“A Yoshi ‘lickout machine’ (with another free anal ball), which allows you to have everyone’s favourite dinosaur give your lady friend a cheeky gobble, with his upper snout clearly used to agitate the clitoris.

“A Yoshi ‘wank mate’, designed to wrap firmly (yet gently) around the shaft of the penis, allowing you to pretend you’re getting chugged off by a stupid wee green bastard with a squeaky voice.

“I hope you will all join me in “Taking The Mario Challenge” by grabbing a hold of young Yoshi and giving the old boy a jolly sound thrashing.”

There is no such thing as a good show about videogames and there never will be. Here is the latest evidence.

They haven’t even got tits. FAIL.

London, UK, August 22

:(

This is all we’re ever doing on it.

SONIC RIVALS FAN FICTION

Blah, blah, blah.

Then, everyone involved in making it got the sack.

The End.

And incredibly, you earn this respect by performing tasks for gang bosses and winning races. In a further refreshing twist, the money you earn may then be spent on modifying your car.

This is the press release for mobile Saint’s Row. We’d rather work in a meat factory that processes pig anuses into sausages, picking out the lumps of gristle from the raw pig anuses for 25p a week than have to write press releases like this as a job:

If you work for THQ or any other company that regularly writes words like ‘respect’, ‘notoriety’ and ‘gangsta’ up on its meeting room whiteboard, we’re here to help. Our confidential 24-hour helpline is waiting for your call.

IN OTHER AMAZINGLY DEPRESSING AND FRANKLY UNBELIEVABLE MOBILE PHONE GAME NEWS:
They’ve made a game about Bob Marley.

We’ve been doing Employee of the Week on and mostly off for eight years, but have only managed to do 131 of them. Sorry about that. We’ll make practically zero effort to get back on track.

IGN has launched its UK operation, using the blandest, most predictable and generic attempt at “British speak” we’ve ever seen. They’re trying to be ‘zany’ by inventing new words for the internet, like ‘worldwide Intertube’ :(

It’s also doing ‘funny’ captions that are placed beneath ‘amusing’ images like we do only without our unrealistic wage demands. This is because they’re British, and British people are funny and wacky! All of them! Literally everything a British person ever says is funny, as you can see from the above attempt at British Speak that was obviously written by an American.

IGN UK’S MOST PATRONISING LOWLIGHTS:

“That’s right — IGN has moved across the Atlantic and opened an office in olde Londontowne”

“IGN’s US and UK staff will form an invincible gaming Voltron hell-bent on defeating Robeasts throughout the galaxy”

“We’ll also provide some UK reviews to give a second opinion on many games that appeal to a more European audience, such as rally racing and soccer titles”

“Expect the use of words such as “colour,” “blimey” and “wanker” in those articles”

The full English cliche-fest is here: IGN: Introducing IGN UK. It makes Gamesradar look good. We’re looking forward to this new era of British craziness — it’ll be like Monty Python but about games! And more about creaming off UK ad revenue.

We’ve counted seven so far :(

1) Old men in suits working at SEGA. 2) Sonic’s left eye is on upside-down. 3) Sonic’s left shoulder is on wrong. 4) Sonic’s nose is coming off. 5) Sonic’s head and face in general. 6) Sonic’s arms should be the same colour as his belly. 7) Carpet and wall indicates photo was taken in a bland office, not on Mobius.

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In America, at least, where it would appear they’ve now caught up with the jokes we were making in the late 1970s.

Modern ‘pads’ are much more dependent on thumbs than wrists. In fact, it’s pretty much nothing to do with the wrist at all these days – unless you’re a fat 45-year-old marketing man with no new ideas for weak sexual innuendo to sell your tat to some idiots.

JOKES AMERICA STILL HAS TO COME

“Push my buttons” – sounds a bit like turning a woman on

“Let me go on top” – split-screen gaming phrase that sounds a bit like a sexual position

“Waggle my stick” – by ‘stick’ they might actually mean ‘cock’ and by ‘waggle’ they might mean ‘masturbate’ or ‘rub’ even though no one uses sticks any more

“You came up my arse” – driving game reference that could also possibly also infer anal sex

“Let’s take turns” – possible roasting/group sex multiplayer misunderstanding with hilarious and/or sexual harassment in the workplace consequences.

“There’s a party in my pocket” – your new handheld gaming device is as much fun as having a wank

It’s the exciting and sexy conclusion!

Cream Car Crash Porn Movie Part 2 [3.76MB WMV]

IS IT SAFE FOR WORK?
That depends on your feelings about plastic toys spunking on supposedly dead other plastic toys, and if you consider that rude or not.

Great news! Now you can go into a shop and download Nike TV commercials directly to your PSP! It’s why PSP was invented!

Dis is wicked, innit!

THERE IS LITERALLY NO POINT…
…in this. As with PSP itself, it seems like a good idea until you realise there aren’t any games and that Nintendo is doing everything ten times better – and making it look easy. Are we missing the game demos on the content list? Is it really just for music and adverts?