THE EMAIL: “I was flicking round a few TV channels the other day and spotted Emily Booth on xleague.tv. I took a few photos, thinking that you might appreciate them seeing as you’ve not done an update on her in AGES.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS FRIGHTENING: “Then, while looking through them, I noticed that if you took the two that I’ve sent to you and had them alternating in some sort of animated GIF, that it could be used by the entire nation as an aid to all the celebratory wanking going on these days, what with the downfall of Sony etc. Sorry I didn’t do the aforementioned GIF myself but I’m crap at computers. Cheers, Gary”.

We have emailed XLEAGUE.TV with a request for an interview with Emily. Hopefully she is not aware of who we are and what we have done about her in the past, and will agree.

Skills. The official UKR Mini. If you want this design, leave a comment on this post and, if you’re lucky, Mr Jax will sort you out. Or sell you one for a million credits.

We have copped out and chosen two winners, as this car’s frankly awesome too. Totally custom Spiel Macht Frei font work, nice colours, just all-round amazing. Again, feel free to use the Comments bit to arrange deals. As we don’t have a forum.

Nice deep red. Goes well with the black. We’re not art critics, but that’s one shit-hot-looking car.

Another one by Captain Jax, refining his design skills – and still not his highest placing. We’re not sure how to handle distribution of these cars, by the way, so it’s probably best to negotiate deals yourselves in the Comments bit.

Captain Jax’s first Mini. It’s nice, but Mini II blows it away.

Another cool car, but you’re not winning anything, Mr Default Font User.

Nice. Hard to hate.

Jon M’s Blue Sky car. Nice cloud work.

Very nice, and particularly well posed photos. But you just wait until whenever it is we bother uploading the rest.

This one’s quite poor. It’s hardly about UKR at all. Where does all that blue-green come from? And the wavy lines? When’s UKR ever been about blue/green wavy lines?

This has a certain Soviet-era simplicity to it. It was good, and the first attempt at doing Sonic – but then we got some better ones.

This one’s good. It was one of the first and looked like being a winner for a while. But isn’t, as we got some better ones later. Which was a relief.

Yes, very funny, covered in Microsoft finger prints JUST LIKE OUR BOTTOMS. This one’s just insolent. We’ll have those better ones later today.

But seeing as you’ve gone and done it, you may as well email us the shots. Particularly the ones of the girl number two. At the original resolution.

THE HOLY FINDER OF THE CRISP SPEAKS: “I ate some crisps today, and one of them looked a little bit like Pac-Man mid-chomp. So I took a picture and sent it to you in a pointlessly high resolution, as the summer’s coming and you might need something for a really slow news day. The crisps were “McCoys Jackets” and were Melted Cheese and Ham flavour, but they tasted more of fat and MSG. The Pac-Crisp tasted the same as the others. Jim”.

*celebratory wank*

“Look how big it is! It has arcades, bowling and karaoke, all with Sonic! (best to ignore a large part of it is restaurants). Look at the red archway you drive under to the parking area! It says Joyful Town! And if you look closely at the Joypolis sign it says…”

“…Legend of SEGA! Don’t know what Dendo for Amusement means though.”

“Look! Sonic is everywhere! Big signs on the wall! Small signs on the street! Sonic Karaoke promises hip hop, reggae, soul, rock, jazz and techno. Even better, inside they had the best version of OutRun possible…”

“…it’s four cars next to each other, with two steering wheels so you can play with a friend if you have one. There are cameras in your car which show your faces up on the screen, but as you can tell, only one weird looking guy was playing it by himself.”

“I actually played this with a ‘girl’ and it is great. The control switches every so often so it’s exciting, and later you can laugh about how much fun it was while touching her arm to associate good feelings with you in her mind. Finally they had…”

“…SEGA Driving School! Although if the standard of driving is anything to go by it just teaches you to pull out in front of cars while deliberately not looking in their direction and pretending you haven’t seen them.”

Let’s hope nothing bad happens.