“Turned into a computerised scene of mass murder”

We thought we’d got bored of racing games, but it turned out we hadn’t – we’d just got bored of waiting for PGR3 to load.

On paper, Forza 2’s the most boring game in the world. It’s cars, tracks, loads of modding options, painting options, tuning options and the sort of screens we usually don’t ever bother looking at, apart from by accident when we’re trying to work out how to put it all on Easy.

But it’s not boring. It’s the least-boring driving game since OutRun2.

This is mainly because of the car-painting section, which even artistically retarded people like us can use to make the cars look awesome.

This has taken four hours so far. The car designing feature is utterly amazing, although you need to spend more hours than there are to make anything good. The text tool, for example, only lets you put on one letter at a time. So much as we’d like to do a SPIEL MACHT FREI design, we not going to bother. Even doing “UK RESISTANCE” would result in getting bored and stopping after just the “U” and the “K”.

This is the best we can manage. For some examples of what proper people can do when bothered, go over to the forums at Forzamotorsport.net where some good people have really tried hard.

This is what a good person has done. Staggering. When doing something else, like watching TV, shopping or what passes as work, all we can think about is getting back to Forza 2 and making a pretty car. It’s the biggest obsession we’ve had since Anna Kournikova’s bottom.

If you’re good at art and stuff AND can be bothered, please can you design a UKR-themed car, or an Idiot Toys-themed car, and gift it to us. We’ll do an update about it, or if more than one person bothers, we’ll do an update about them. If you’re not “scene” enough to know our Gamertag, mail in and ask.

Here’s something about what the graphics are like, for the benefit of our German readers: 60fps. Very pretty. Very smooth. People moaning about what Forza 2 looks like are idiots, as it’s all really pretty. Even the menus are nice, well laid out and nothing like the awkward mess of Forza 1.

This update reads like an advert :(

The game comes with some free music for listening to while painting your car and waiting for things to load. It’s really good music, all electronic stuff you wouldn’t expect a bunch of Americans to put in a racing game. There is no Bryan Adams and we are yet to come across “Song 2”.

We have no idea who any of the bands are, due to being really out of touch with youth culture. However, it has made us realise that perhaps some new music is good after all and maybe we shouldn’t only ever listen to the Pet Shop Boys.

Suzuka. Forever remembered as a Ferrari F355 track. Finally, nearly ten years later, games are starting to look a bit better than Dreamcast ones.

A SERIOUS BAD POINT: It’s hard getting online races to work. Really hard. In six attempts last night we connected to zero games, and just got error messages about the game not existing any more even though you could actually see it.

A SERIOUS THOUGHT: It’s odd that even now the best example of online gaming is still Project Gotham Racing 2. Why is it that new games still can’t do lobbies as good as or better than PGR2’s? This is the sort of serious, deep thought we occasionally have, before going back to thinking about who would win in a sex fight between Ulala and Betty Boo and if it’s wrong to have toast for dinner again tonight.

We have more screenshots of it than things to say.

Oh yes. The car Auction House is brilliant, and you can see it on your PC on the game’s web site. This is clever.

There are lots of races and cars.

It is nice.

Basically, we like Forza 2 as much as Virtua Tennis 3, which makes it only the second game this year we’ve played through choice in the evenings. This must mean it’s at least a 9/10.

It is a hydraulically operated joystick chair, with the seat moving when you wiggle the massive stick. Apparently it was made by SEGA AM7, presumably during the early-to-mid-90s Golden Era when SEGA spunked money away on glorious follies such as this, therefore earning the adoration of a generation.

EXPLANATION: “This joypad is a size of a double seater and it is mounted on hydraulics. When you move the joystick, the seat follows the direction by changing the angle. You can move it in all six ways. When you turn and hold in position SEGA Joystick: up or down, left or right the sitting part will turn and stay at desired angle. If you use a combination turn: up/left, or up/right, or down/left or down/right, it will turn and bounce back smoothly and continuously at the given angle (feels like sitting in a bouncing lowrider).”

It would look great in the lounge of any single 33-year-old male with a complete collection of SEGA plushes, who longs for the days SEGA made massive hydraulic things and life wasn’t all about SHIT.

If you can ID it or want to talk to someone who really loves weird SEGA arcade hardware, email Yas and you will almost certainly become friends.

TOMORROW: How SEGA invented the television, sausages, wanking, and was the first company to effectively manufacture French fries in its staff canteen back in 1965.

The photo came with a story to do with it being a mate of a mate’s mate’s wedding and a mate’s mate was wearing it and it all happened in Japan. We only speed-read the email, as it was sent in by a man called Colin.

And, seeing as no one believes anything any more unless it’s supplied in video format, here is the proof in video format:

Not entirely sure what’s happening, thanks to the Language barrier and the insanity barrier.

Here’s a photo of some kitchen roll a man said looks a bit like a Dreamcast logo. We have supplied it in 2274 x 1704 resolution. Only another three years of this kind of shit to go and we can start slagging off PlayStation4.

Sigh.

Now when people ask us if we have any friends, we can say “Yes. Richard Jacques, and we are also very close to Natalie Imbruglia and Billie Piper.”

That’s a screenshot of The Club. Hopefully Richard will see this update and send us a link to an audio sampler piece, although, what with copyrights and legal things, this might not be possible.

There are no audio clips on his MySpace page and we note with some sadness that we are not in his “top 12”. There is a photo of him playing a piano though. He appears to be cheating by using a Mac to read the music off.

BACK OFF, BITCH.