The PlayStation3 hype rollercoaster has just rolled over the top of the high point and is now crashing downwards at full speed. It’s like 1995 and 1999 all over again. We’ve been here before. All you have to do now is not listen to anything or look at the internet for six months and it will all have passed.

The Tokyo Game Show has just happened. Lots of bad news was said at it. Like when Tecmo said Ninja Gaiden, which is the best game ever even including Sonic The Hedgehog, was going to be on PlayStation3.

Not only is Ninja Gaiden going to PS3, it’s also got playable Rachel in it. This is as disastrous as a plane full of anthrax crashing into your house three minutes before you were scheduled to lose your virginity to Cheryl Tweedy and evil clone Cheryl Tweedy.

Then we saw some more screenshots of Virtua Fighter 5. We thought about saying Wolf’s chest looks a bit lumpy on his right-hand side there, but we’d just be lying to ourselves. This looks amazing, and is therefore as disastrous as going on a long drive and realising you forgot all your CDs but it’s OK as your girlfriend remembered to bring her Snow Patrol B-sides collection.

Then we saw screenshots of Devil May Cry 4. We momentarily laughed because Devil May Cry isn’t as good as Ninja Gaiden and Tecmo said that Ninja Gaiden would NEVER… and so the dark sadness fell again.

Then there was Heavenly Sword. We thought about pointing out that the bloke’s hand is a bit square and his fingers are rubbish, and maybe saying Heavenly Sword has “set video game hands back 15 years” but that would seem like clutching at straws. And we’ve clutched at our straws so much they’re perfectly flat and the plastic has melted together from our angry body heat. They’re not even straws any more, they’re McDonalds tea stirrers now.

At least Gran Turismo “HD” looked awful still. So that was the Tokyo Game Show. A few PS3 games looked OK which is bad, but the plus side is that everyone’s still laughing at Sony for slashing the price of PS3 and changing the spec because it HASN’T GOT A CLUE what it’s doing despite having been doing this for a decade. So it’s kind of OK but not really OK. It’s OK. We’ll be OK. And remember, the press release that’s coming in November and March about PS3 being “the fastest-selling console in history” has already been written, and the reason it sold out is because they only made 12.

THINGS WE’VE BEEN SAYING TO OURSELVES RECENTLY
1. We don’t want to play Metal Gear Solid 4 anyway

2. The Virtua Fighter series peaked with VF3

3. Rachel’s tits aren’t that amazing they’re worth spending 500 quid on rotating a camera around

4. We can’t keep this up for another five years.

Thanks everyone! It was an enjoyable day yesterday, as the reptilian overlords behind Wikipedia battled to retain control of the site’s Lair entry. We particularly enjoyed the subtle addition of the word ‘minge’, which stayed undetected for some six hours.

THE BEST ACTS OF VANDALISM:

“It is rumored, however, the game may support between 0 and 1 players”

“Premium will ship with 30 dragons but the Basic edition will ship with no dragons. One of the main features of the online package will be the option to purchase extra dragons via ‘sonsactions'”

“…a screenshot released shows a man in heavy armour riding a mighty monkey steed”

“Lair is a upcoming game being developed by Factor 5 and published through Sony Computer Entertainment America for the Sony PlayStation 3 video game console. It uses the Wii controller’s tilt functions for movement within the game”

“Lair is a collection of captured images from Sean Connery crap-fest “Dragonheart”. They will be exclusively viewable on Sony’s billion dollar PS3″

The premise of the game revolves around ordering pewter dragons from mail-order companies that advertise in the back of Sunday supplement magazines. The more dragons you order, the bigger your army (the combat phase of gameplay takes place within the impoverished fantasy life of the game’s hirsute protagonist, Simon), although this leads to an increasing chance of you defaulting on your installment plan, and having your kneecaps shattered by a sociopathic bailiff, ‘Bricka'”

“You will need two PS3s, two copies of Lair from the same shop of the same edition (five editions are confirmed), a link cable and two SonyLAIR HDTVs as on all other TVs the graphics are scrambled”

AND THE WINNER:

“…it wants to be a launch title, because dragon games sell”

Scroll through all the edits by reading the article’s history page. As you read, you may like to stay mentally active by pondering WHAT SORT OF PERSON spends all day reloading a Wikipedia entry on an obscure PS3 game to correct minor acts of vandalism?

Is it time to die yet?

So old. So tired. Ready to sleep now.

What happened here is that Sony pasted a pretend energy bar and HUD onto a CG image, and some people sort of believed it for a while there:

This is the ‘BEFORE’ shot, from back when the entire internet didn’t make up 10,000 Photoshop jokes about PS3 every day (we’re very proud of you all).

And this is what it really looks like running on PS3. At least they got the Stamina gauge right, although they forgot what side they put it on when making the actual game.

HOW YOU CAN HELP:
Please vandalise the game’s Wikipedia entry accordingly.

It’s odd that things we clearly remember from 1996 are now nostalgic remnants of gaming history, but still – if you’re only 15 years old and came here from MySpace looking for porn you probably never saw this SEGA Saturn advert from 1996.

You were lucky in that respect.

What does it even MEAN? Were we really so innocent as a nation in 1996 that stuff like this seemed all edgy and cool and risque? Or was SEGA just loads shitter than we remember?

We’ll have her geo-located to within six centimetres by home time.

Updates suspended for the foreseeable future as we struggle to marry two facts:

FACT A: It’s on PS3 therefore it MUST be shit.

FACT B: It’s by SEGA therefore it MUST be amazing.

ADDITIONAL FACT C: We’ll be sitting in the bathroom rocking backwards and forwards for a while pooing and weeing on ourselves trying to decide which editorial stance to take.

The only option is to pretend these are Xbox 360 or PC screenshots. Yes, that’s it. VF5 will be announced for Xbox 360 next week! That’s clearly what’s about to happen. That’s why they took all these new screenshots. Look, they’re in widescreen just like Xbox 360!

The truth is too horrible to consider.

We can’t go saying something on PS3 looks good.

All we can do is…

…maybe we could say that only SEGA is good enough to make PS3 games look good? Because SEGA’s better at programming and stuff.

That could work as an ‘angle’ to make this seem like a happier day.

Even then it feels wrong.

Maybe we should pretend VF5 doesn’t exist?

It’s just all too much. You know SEGA’s original 2001 masterplan had this down as a Dreamcast 2 launch game :(

Not just for having the most Spanish-sounding names you could possibly imagine, but also for spearheading SEGA’s push into Spain – with the opening of a new SEGA office in Madrid.

VIVA (the men in charge of) SEGA ESPAGNA!

Jose is standing in front of Shadow. This means he’s evil, so is probably in advertising or marketing.

Javier is standing in front of Sonic! So he’s the good one, and probably does something useful and popular like handing out the mail or petty cash. This is such a beautiful photo we’ve made it desktop size. Together they are… SEGA SPAIN! Vamos SEGA Espagnol!

“WE ARE ENCHANTED TO ON BOARD GIVE TO THE WELCOME TO JAVIER AND JOSE” (THE PRESS RELEASE FED THROUGH BABELFISH, AS THAT’S BEEN FUNNY SINCE WE FIRST GOT THE INTERNET IN 1995):

SEGA RETURNS To SPAIN

SEGA of Europe announces the opening of their new Spanish office, agreeing with 15 anniversary of Sonic.

SEGA Europe Ltd., today makes the opening public of their new office in Madrid, Spain.

The return of the emblematic Japanese company to our country obeys to the consolidation strategy as one of the main publishers in the new generation of platforms of electronic entertainment adopted by SEGA and supposes a recognition to the growth and potential of the Spanish market.

SEGA of Spain begins their walking with an equipment of Marketing and Communication, headed by Javier Rodriguez – Director of Marketing – and Jose Herráez – PR Manager -. During the stage of implementation of the Japanese company in Spain, including the next campaign navideña, the SEGA titles will continue being distributed by Atari.

“The Spanish market has received great relevance in the last years and it has become one of most important of Europe.” It affirms to Mike Hayes, President and COO of SEGA Europe. “The opening of a seat of SEGA in Spain is a logical step in our strategy of growth and we are enchanted to on board give to the welcome to Javier and Jose.”

Javier Rodriguez, Director of Marketing of SEGA of Spain, affirms. “SEGA is an emblematic mark that has written whole chapters in the history of the videojuegos. SEGA of Spain is born with the ambition to settle down as one of the marks leaders in the new generation of videojuegos. The opening of the Spanish office supposes an exciting challenge and our plans for the future are going to excite and to surprise all the sector of the videojuegos.”

On SEGA® SEGA Europe Ltd.
It is the European division of Japanese the SEGA Corporation, one of the companies leaders in the edition of software of entertainment for consoles, PC and moving bodies. For more information, it visits www.sega-europe.com

The order has already been given for someone to take photos of SEGA Spain’s office. It’s probably a little red brick building with pinatas outside and a dead bull in the car park.

This is the back of a man’s sister’s chair. He says the design looks a bit like Dr Robotnik, although she insists it’s meant to be flowers.

Beat that.

This is a photo of a sign in the car park at SEGA Europe. Someone’s being a parking space nazi. You can see some interesting uses of capital letters.

This out-bores our update about the SEGA Park carpet by some 25 percent. We’re sorry about this for many reasons. Has anyone got a less interesting SEGA photograph than this?

You can see his little heart breaking, as he mentally weighs up the pros of eating sweets and playing games all day against the cons of being popular.

No free things or parties for you, Porky Piggywinkle. Best you can hope for is to get in the top 1000 of something on Xbox Live.