Worst Idea of 2005 Shortlist Entry #1: The Gameulator
And it’s only £300.

If you’d like to know more read the entire press release or visit the perhaps-even-worse-than-that web site.

LAZY WEB JOURNALIST BASES ENTIRE STORY ON WHAT A SHOP SAYS
This happens every single day now. It’s getting tiresome the way our news sources are full of the half-arsed observations of lazy cocks who think research is refreshing Amazon. Do you really think the Web Admin Assistant who updates 50-million pages a day at Amazon has a hotline to Sony, Microsft, Valve and Nintendo, or are they, perhaps, just guessing?

The fact that the date just-so-happens to be a Friday, only means Web Admin Assistant Steve knows games come out on Fridays, hence him randomly picking a Friday. Honestly. Some people.

SEGA beats EA!
Look! Some magical old 2D games have knocked the piss-poor Need for Speed Underground 2 off the top of the charts! This will probably result in Sega buying EA and turning all EA’s dull sport/car franchises into colourful arcade dreams! Dreamcast 2 is surely imminent now! Go Sega!

After the hostile buyout, Sega will sack all EA staff and only keep about three of the most profitable franchises alive (which will be phased out over the next 18 months until nothing remains).

FOOTNOTE

Eagle-eyed readers will notice how we’ve failed to comment upon the UTTER STUPIDITY of UK gamers as illustrated by chart positions four and five, because it kind of ruins our point. With The Simpsons Hit & Run the FOURTH best-selling game of the week after 67 weeks on the chart, the opinions of UK games-buyers are worth slightly less than zero. Still, well done Sega.

What the internet’s for
When programmer Ian Ternet first created his global network of computers for the distribution of hi-res photos of actress Kirsten Dunst he could hardly have imagined just how successful his invention would be. Now used for so much more than simply distributing hi-res photos of Kirsten Dunst, the IanTernet PC-to-PC Dunst Link Protocol (commonly shortened to internet) has grown — and keeps growing! — to include photos of most Hollywood actresses and several TV stars.

What we’re reading at the moment, although we keep losing interest halfway through chapter two.

Games TV shows are rubbish. At least they were in 1985. In a fit of panic over the mass-closing of Bittorrent sites, we hurriedly went to ‘God’s Video’ UKNova to download everything that we haven’t already downloaded yet. There was an episode of Micro Direct from 1985, which we wholeheartedly recommend you get. Because this is what happens in it:

A man in an amazing jumper welcomes us all to the future of computing (and the past of clothes, hair and glasses).

‘Word processing’ is explained by a panel of four guests.

The sad news that the home computer boom is over breaks. This is why we remember the nation mourning briefly in 1985.

A look at the special effects of ‘The Last Starfighter’, which was done on computers and therefore better than anything else.

A very serious discussion between two grown-ups about the merits of educational software on the Commodore 64.

Lesley Judd demonstrates a portable telephone system the size of a briefcase (while sitting in a Sinclair C5 electric trike). “No cables attached at all!” she says, as we laugh at this shortsighted vision of the future. When WE were in 1985, we could EASILY imagine a future where everyone had credit card-sized personal communication devices — and we were only 12.

A woman is violently patronised by two men for not knowing enough about computers. She probably cried for days after this. You should download yourself a copy of Micro Direct, it’ll make you grateful for Iain Lee.

OTHER STUFF WE DOWNLOADED DURING OUR IMMINENT-BITTORRENT-CLOSURE PANIC ATTACK:

Top of the pops Christmas 1986 edition, featuring Falco, the Pet Shop Boys, Europe and MORE!

The Hitman and Her! Which we used to video and watch the next day.

The Office US remake, which made us laugh as many times as the UK original (no times).

Hollyoaks (assorted).

Loads of programmmes about Peter Cook.

Come back soon for a “re-watching old episodes of GamesMaster” Bittorrent special!

This promotional image was sent out by Nintendo. It was created, presumably, by adults, adults who are staking millions of pounds on the success of DS. This is the best they could come up with:

Nintendo SENT THIS OUT TO PEOPLE. Look. Here’s what happened with Pictochat. Someone had an idea. Then, because no one else had any better ideas, it got made. So they ended up with “a thing” but had no idea who/why/how “the thing” would get used or used by. Hence the stupid drawing. The only good thing about DS being £99 is that it might mean Sony’s stunning PSP will be £99 too.

THE THREE GREATEST U-TURNS OF RECENT TIME:

3. The Russians starting to do that Glasnost thing.
2. George Bush Sr’s “Read my lips — no new taxes”, then some new taxes.
1. UKR declaring Sony’s PSP the greatest thing, ever.

And girls are going to REALLY LOVE IT:

Sorry that this is such a rubbish, boring update, but at least it won’t cause us any trouble. Expect more of this kind of thing in the future!

We went to see SEGA on Friday. We took lots of photos of the trip, so memories of the special day would stay with us for ever. Come with us on a beautiful journey. A journey to… SEGA Europe!

SO WHAT GAME DID WE SEE?
We can’t tell you yet. Let’s just say it was a long-awaited update to a BIG NAME franchise that we played for an hour on Xbox and really liked.

EDGE magazine, the much-loved trade journal of Dixons employees, has relaunched its web site. Found at www.edgeonline.co.uk the new site brings news of the re-opening of the EDGE Café for young people, and also unveils a new slogan — “Making Jesus Known”. Relocating to Cosham, Portsmouth, new EDGE Online has also set up a series of local events, most noticeably a Music Makers Coffee Morning on Mondays and Thursdays, plus a Sports Club for Monday evenings — featuring table tennis, pool and refreshments!

Holier-than-thou attitude about games dropped in favour of religious support for the local community. This is an EDGE we can like! And may we also say well done to all the young people who raised £638 for the Disaster Appeal at the Car Wash recently.

Following EA’s buying-up of MORE THINGS yesterday (and, no doubt, today and tomorrow), quick-off-the-mark reader “The Lambrusco Kid” sent us this extremely satirical image of the future of non-EA video gaming;

And a big thank you to pantomime villain Electronic Arts for giving us an industry hate figure to unite against.