Compiled by a man called Dolan.

“News just in: people are still IDIOTS. Don’t know if you’ve seen GAME’s Greatest Games of All Time list (chosen by the proles for the proles) but in a total not-shocking turn of events it’s predicatbly moronic with Call of Duty 4 coming out in the top spot and GTAIV hitting the number four spot, games most people would have barely spent seconds playing before voting for them. The rest of the list is mostly made up of shit people only vote for because they’re repeatedly told by others that the games are amazing.

“In response to this depressingly retarded turn of events I’ve put the list through a RIGOROUS and SCIENTIFIC process whereby I’ve removed every game that has only been out for 18 months, every game which only made it onto the list because it has already appeared on every single other “100 Greatest Games Ever” list (Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy, etc) and every football game (immediate disqualification on grounds of not really being videogames) as well as every game only played by rabid PC nerds who only ever play one game (Warcraft, Command and Conquer, Counter Strike, etc). The remaining games are, therefore UNDENIABLY the hundred greatest games of all time.

“The resulting list reads as follows:

1-20 Sonic The Hedgehog (SEGA Mega Drive)
21-40 Elite (BBC Micro)
41-60 Shenmue (SEGA Dreamcast)
61-80 Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (SEGA Mega Drive)
81-100 TimeSplitters 2 (Multiformat)

“Can’t argue with the science – Dolan.”

Thanks, Dolan.

BATH STAR! It’s by SEGA Toys. It’s a bit like our beloved Homestar, only now in a waterproof finish. You can use its light to see better while soaping yourself to a state of extreme relaxation in the bath. In the dark. It is the perfect gift.

“It appears to be the Homestar Home Planetarium, but adapted for baths!”

“Wanking while sobbing in the tub just got a whole lot more atmospheric! Not mentioning my name would be appreciated. My father has recently learned how to use Google – XXXX XXXXXXX.”

Add this to the list. Just when you think you’re out of wasting all your disposable income on SEGA-branded plastic, they pull you back in.

Here’s one you can click on. This, apparently, is of the machine in “Rose Petal mode.” It could also be “Bloody Suicide Mode.”

Alternatively, there’s the SEGA Toys AMP. A music playing piece of tat. This will be left well alone and not imported at prohibitive expense.

You’d think we’d be unemployable by now after all this, but no.

This thing about Sainsbury’s breaking. There was a tense and long-winded discussion about apostrophe placement behind the scenes.

This thing about what Peaches Geldof probably did last night.

This thing about what does not constitute a fun activity.

This thing which is just an alternate take on this thing about that thing.

This thing about, funnily enough, PS3 being shite.

This thing about a Fujitsu mobile phone, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

It doesn’t matter. No one really cares.

A keen reader who was actually *watching* Games Night noticed something strange. Something odd. Something INEXPLICABLE. The cast and very special guests (sorry, Adam) changed their socks during an advert break.

Yes. They changed their socks during an advert break. Perhaps there was a verruca outbreak?

“Having tuned in to the 30th episode of Games Night and been almost comatose by the topics of debate, my attention drifted to the all white socks lined up. Suddenly after a break the socks were swapped! Now, if they had swapped the topics or the dreary presenters… but no, let’s swap socks. Just plain weirdness. Could it have been your previous “Wii Family Sock” article that has spurred a national trend?”

“PS: Sorry for being such an anal twat about this but at least taking the pics removed me from viewing the Games Night slow motion car crash. Please feel free to ridicule me and my photos in an amusing and sarcastic way – Pez.”

Else there’d be a fierce and unruly bidding war for it.

“I was searching eBay for SEGA Saturn clothing (just call me Fonzie!), perhaps looking for a Saturn t-shirt or something. Alas I did not find one, but I did stumble across this rather sophisticated (100%) silk SEGA Saturn tie! I was debating whether or not to bid on it, but then it dawned on me that I haven’t worn a tie for 8 years, and I’m not ‘hardcore’ enough to warrant the waste of hard earned sterling on this shit. So I thought I’d share it with you, because I’m sure there’s a bedroom warrior out there who will wear this with pride – ALL MY LOVE, HERDMAN!”

Dorian Bloch from Chart-Track, who is an official enemy of UKR for reasons to do with being a big baby, told GamesIndustry MGS4 had hardly any effect on PS3 sales.

“There’s not a lot to say about it – it had minimal impact really. Units were up by seven percent.”

What’s seven percent of nothing? The calculator on this PC must be broken, as it keeps coming up as ZERO.

WHAT’S LEFT TO TURN THINGS AROUND FOR PS3?

Final Fantasy XIII (2010)

Final Fantasy XIV (2015)

The only gentlemanly way to holiday is to stay in a hotel. If you want to sleep with a girl who’s taken lots of drugs and doesn’t smell very nice, then that’s fine. We’d just rather not spend all of May, June, July and August listening to your stories about it.

“I found someone just as obsessed as you are with the little blue twat at Gatecrasher 2008. I thought i’d take a picture so you lot could have a tug or two over it or something. I have covered his face, not for sake of privacy but because he’s an ugly cunt. Bye bye – Darren.”

All those t-shirts we made and nobody liked are now going cheap. As in £6 each including postage. We are tired of having three massive cardboard boxes lying about and mocking our failure to capture the public imagination.

Buy one here. Please. The nice red ones have actually sold out in man sizes, though. Any of the others we don’t sell in the next two weeks are getting binned. Then we might make some more in time for next summer. Maybe.

Take it away industry legends Steve Boxer, Adam Doree, Ellie ‘I’d Rather Be Dead’ Gibson and other some random crazy woman. We’re guessing this little impromptu jam session was the crazy woman’s idea, as she’s enjoying it the most by quite some margin.

Introducing… Adam Doree on drums!

Sadly, we cannot work out how to embed this video. You’ll just have to go there. It’s worth making the trip for, honestly.

Also introducing… Eurogamer’s Ellie Gibson! See how she is mentally picturing how bad it’s going to be when this video goes online. Never before has a woman’s misery been so perfectly captured on film.

Clearly mental. Would not touch.

Reminiscent of Keith Moon (48 hours after his death).

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