We knew that PDF copy of Metro would come in useful more than once.

How embarrassing must it be to be 17 and have to pretend you’re offended by pornography in front of your mother?

And here’s today’s Sudoku.

Didn’t the ENEMY already try motion controls for its PS3 only to be LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN by doing it very, very shoddily indeed? Or are we all supposed to have forgotten the SIXAXIS and its limp collection of crowbarred-in, useless, mini-game shite by now?

Perhaps the concept now is Sony has copied Nintendo better and more comprehensively this time around?

Putting the buttons in different places isn’t going to make playing SOCOM on the stupid thing any more enjoyable. And can someone email us the LIFESTYLE photography, please?

Sorry, everyone, this week would appear to have become Alternate-Colour Sonic Clones Off The Internet Week.

“Green Sonic is a commercial whore. Here he is acting as the corporate mascot for a truck manufacturer in Southern China. The sell out that he is” – Chris.

“Gee Sonic, you really oughta cut down on those chilli dogs!”

“Whilst idly fiddling around the internet earlier I found this. Apparently they also do “Papryka konserwowa”. Not sure if “konserwowa” is part of the name or a description (it looks like a description but I don’t speak made-up languages). I also noticed that Galileo has stolen the Adidas logo. And its name. I’m still trying to think up a joke for the jar of pickles so you’re definitely not getting one for the Papryka” – Oli.

Some brave retailer is taking a punt on stocking the Japanese SEGA Toys Indoor Fireworks Projector. It costs an extremely unreasonable £129.99 and is, as you might expect from a piece of SEGA-badged hardware, currently IN STOCK.

And it will remain IN STOCK until they get a new boss and he orders a clear-out of the warehouse.

Fireworks are rubbish. Sorry, but it has to be said. People who like fireworks are a bit simple. It’s like when a cat is captivated by a torch being shone on a wall.

At least you can project “Happy Birthday” to yourself on the ceiling when it’s your birthday and all you’ve got to do is look at the ceiling. And look, a picture of a cake to make up for no one bothering to even buy you a cake.

THIS WILL NOT WIN YOU OVER:
“Because you can program your own shows and vary their duration and intensity, no two displays are the same. It’s like Bonfire Night, July 4th, Bastille Day and the climax of an Iron Maiden gig all rolled into one. Better still, proper pyromaniacs can get busy designing bespoke displays with the included pens and films. We guarantee guests will be awestruck. You might even hear some occasional oohs and aaahs.

“Ideal for parties, special occasions and moments when you fancy gawping at a spectacular display without getting off the sofa, the Sega Indoors Fireworks Projector is booming well brilliant. Best of all it won’t blow up in your face. Which is nice. Phwoosh…Weeeee…BOOM!”

Man found this somewhere else on the internet. Possibly in the UKR archives, as we’ve finally given up trying to keep track of what’s out there. Brain’s finally run out of space for remembering what colour of Sonic clone was used to advertise what brand of sportswear in what country in 1997.

And why Sonic? What needs to be fast about a gherkin? Are they suggesting the [THING GHERKINS ARE MADE OUT OF, POSSIBLY CUCUMBERS] were picked really fast and pickled really fast and shipped really fast to ensure the ultimate in freshness?

“Hello. I thought you might be interested in this picture I found on the internet. It’s not THAT interesting but I thought you might want to use it if you have a ‘slow news day’ (there seems to be a lot of them) after the PS3 debacle ends. It would seem that Sonic (or his evil evil twin, judging by the extra head-spikes) is now selling pickles for Ogorki. I’m not sure why he would do that. Perhaps as a publicity stunt. Or perhaps this is, in fact, Episode 2 of the upcoming Sonic 4. I tried to think of an amusing Sonic/pickle pun but I just ate (not gherkins) so I’m tired” – Oli.

Very, very, very sad smiley face.

We’re not giving them a link for that.

We’re starting to live vicariously through Karl. He’s got a blog, can make games, and gets lucky when outside with seeing Dreamcast logos (below). Here’s his latest game. We wouldn’t really advise downloading it, but you can if you want to. It’s 1.5MB and here.

“Having had little to do this weekend, I rustled up a little game in my spare time, and I figured its subject matter might make you laugh. I have attached it so you can see it. Yes, I was bored…”

“I have also attached an EXCLUSIVE RED SPIRAL. This shows that SEGA has obviously funneled some of its money into carpet-laying companies in the South West of Britain. It also suggests the future colour of the Dreamcast 2 spiral may be RED. I hope I can trust you with this INDUSTRY EXCLUSIVE” – Karl.

Middle-east terrorist group Hezbollah is funded by the sale of PlayStation2s and Sony cameras in the region. This is according to Kotaku and the Miami Herald, two proud independent news organisations that would not lie simply to get internet traffic.

“Safadi and two Miami-Dade freight forwarders, Ulises Talavera and Emilio Gonzalez-Neira, face terrorism-related smuggling charges alleging they secretly exported a total of $720,000 in Sony PlayStation 2 consoles and Sony digital cameras to the shopping center between 2007 and 2008. U.S. authorities say the Galeria Page Mall, in Paraguay’s Ciudad del Este, served as a front for financing the Middle East terrorist group, Hezbollah” – Miami Herald.

Sony has now been accused of aiding international terrorism so many times it MUST be true. Picture from Game Politics. Story submitted by “Hugo”. All links hurriedly botched together by UKR.

There are some benefits to going outside where other people are – you might see something related to SEGA! Don’t bother typing in that domain name, it’s expired and points to a contextual list of car-related insurance sites.

“So I step outside last night and the first thing I see is this flagrant disrespecting of a registered SEGA trademark. I wonder if they asked SEGA if they can name their lorry company after the finest 16-BIT console? I DOUBT IT.”

“Taken with iPhone’s unspeakably shit camera in Leicester Square – I think the MegaDrive lorry was setting up some sort of film premier or something” – Adam.