In other REALLY VERY STUPID PS3 NEWS today, GAME has decided to only sell you a PS3 if you also want to buy three games with it and spend over 550 quid. We can confidently predict that LITERALLY NOBODY will want to do that.

It’s almost as if they don’t want to sell any. Which is handy, as they won’t.

Whoops. Maybe it’s the ridiculous bundle, maybe it’s that one of the bundled games is Genji, or maybe it’s no one caring about Sony’s over-priced and unwanted “HD” shitbox. BRING ON MARCH 23. WE ARE NOT AFRAID ANY MORE.

*Fumbles with envelope*

Eidos! For it’s horse-petting game Pony Friends! Well done to everyone involved, even if you might be too ashamed to admit actually being involved.

“Hi UKR. I wasn’t allowed to dye my dog blue but I did get away with sticking SEGA tattoos on her. I think you’ll agree, they’re better than Stuart’s dog. My dog looks happy to be wearing SEGA things and even sat still while I was putting them on. And she has her tongue out and is offering a paw.

“The only bit of skin was on her belly which is a bit close to her vagina. Sorry about that. I tried to get pictures of not her vagina that much, but it’s still clearly visible. I’ll see what I can do to my cat next. And I’ll still try and dye the dog blue one day! Gretta.”

Tomorrow we expect nothing less than photos of a cow’s brain smeared over a road in a vague approximation of the SEGA logo.

Anything but dog vaginas, please.

About once every six months we ask someone to explain the rules of Sudoku. Then we forget again. It’s something like “all the numbers have to add up to 12” or maybe “make all the boxes add up to the same number”.

The rules of Sudoku are something we will never need to know so we don’t bother remembering. Like maths or what girls like to talk about.

We’ll have a novice puzzle, please, seeing as what we think the rules are aren’t actually the rules, so we’ll be here for a very long time otherwise.

You get to see more naked women for solving puzzles without clues. What the maker has done is taken an existing thing, then added a clever incentive system. Imagine if Xbox Live handed out naked photos of girls instead of stupid ‘points’! It’d be huge.

The nudity is quite nude. They are naked, akimbo in some photos, but not holding themselves open or having a bit of someone else going in them. It is the sort of nudity that was considered RED HOT before the internet, but now is acceptable on children’s TV.

It’s taken 21 minutes to get this far on novice, thanks to it letting you just press numbers and telling you when you’re wrong (RED NUMBER) and when you’re right (GREEN NUMBER). God knows how people do this in their heads.

We solved it! She’s impressed, although she probably thought this photo shoot was going to be used in Razzle.

Ten naked girls to unlock. Just like in our basement.

But all the images are stored in a folder as JPEGs, so you can just scroll through them. This ruins the fun and suspense. If only Carol Vorderman’s Sudoku offered a similar amount of gratuitous nudity. 7/10.

That’s all. Today’s proper update will be along in half an hour. It’s to do with ‘Sexy Sudoku’ and is much better than this one which only took 10 minutes and is what we refer to internally as ‘a gonzo filler’.

A great photo, but the dog should’ve been roused to a sitting position, by offering a treat or a pat or saying that it’s din-dins or walkies time. It’s not really joining in. It should also be giving a paw for a bonus. Still, it’s a nice doggy. Oh yes it is. Oh yes you are. Oh yessy yessy doggy doggy. Good boy. GOOD BOY.

Still, it’s a photo of a dog wearing a Sonic The Hedgehog hat. It’s definitely an internet first. And probably also a last.

He even made his cat join in. This looks quite cruel.

BEHIND THE SCENES ‘MAKING OF’ COMMENTARY FROM STUART:
“The dog is called Blue, and my cat is actually called Sonic (I named him after the good Sonic games, and not the wank ones of late). I’m sure you’ll agree that the dog pictures are vastly overshadowed by the ones of the cat. The cat fucking hated wearing the hat, and he almost shat himself every time I put it on him. Lucky for him I managed to get the required shots well within 4 hours.”

Of course it could just be Sonic wearing a cat costume on his lower body.

Stupid cat. Cats are so stupid they can’t even get things off their heads.

“Hi, I found this Sonic hat in the window of Forbidden Planet in Aberdeen. I thought you might like it so i took a picture. Unfortunately I do not deal in ‘Credits’ of any sort, so I could not ask how much it was or which Orc the owner bought it off. It also appears that the hat would go over your eyes, possibly giving you some kind of Sonic vision!”

Like Project Gotham Racing Mobile, which is coming soon. It excitingly embraces the thrilling communication device medium by letting you download ghost cars of other racers and upload your own. The kids will go mad for that, at least they will when they’re not exchanging weird smiley faces and photos of their genitals on MySpace.

It’s got corners and straights, plus words that come up on the screen to reaffirm what you’re doing. That one on the right is a bit of London!

Not sure where that one on the left is. It looks like a bit of France stuck in a bit of America. Perhaps it is. The thing on the right is the ‘box’, not that downloadable mobile games really come in boxes, so they wasted their time putting that together. We wonder if Richard Jacques, our best MySpace friend had anything to do with the sound?

Then there’s the KING OF THE WORLD. Sonic’s been out for a while – but it’s SONIC. Its one-button style actually works on a mobile, and it’s always – literally always – a joy to play Sonic 1 again and relive (a) youth, and (b) Sonic not being in 3D and shit.

Games won’t ever be this good again. All you’re getting from now on is war and ‘sandbox’ crime games. That’s it. It’s your own stupid faults. We’re not getting another Space Channel 5 because everyone else decided they’d rather baseball bat prostitutes to death instead. Thanks, cruel, miserable world.

There’s also ChuChu Rocket. Arguing with games of this quality is pointless. You can try, but you’d look really stupid and like you were arguing with a telephone.

And Super Monkey Ball Tip ‘n Tilt. Which, ironically, has seen the makers take a perfectly good 3D game and make it 2D. Like what’s happened to Sonic recently only in reverse.

If only SEGA would still take risks on exciting new ideas like Monkey Ball. It wouldn’t get made today, would it? Poor old Nagoshi-san would get told to go back to his little office and have a more commercial idea, preferably one to do with earning ‘turf’ and ‘respect’ in a city environment.

You can try out java versions of all these mobile games for free here. There’s also one called Sexy Babes Wild Waterslides which we have requested a full version of for review.