Dark colour palette and characters with “angry” eyes. Oh, Disney, you of all companies? And is that gangsta rabbit about to SPIT at Mickey? :(

That’s right, Mickey, kill the monster and steal the laptop it drops, then pawn that in and spend the money on a new mobile phone. Got bored of playing this sort of thing on the Saturn. NEXT PLEASE. Number of days since last played a video game: 207.

Bizarre concept made entertaining by the animated video in which video game versions of Tiger Woods, that man who’s good at tennis and another man who might be Thierry Henry but it’s hard to say as football’s for idiots, COME ALIVE and WALK OUT OF THEIR SCREENS to admire the razor.

Submitted ages ago by “Courtser”. Thanks, Courtster. On days like this it’s nice to have links to things that were on Joystiq several months ago to fall back on.

And how can they make it even clearer that the product is for gamers? A controller on the loading screen.

Some men have decided to create a Weirdo Directory, full of photographs of people for whom trousers and jumpers simply won’t do unless they are SHINY SPACE TROUSERS THAT DON’T FIT and jumpers with BITS MISSING because they’ve just had a LEVEL 200 FIGHT.

That’s Rob, Kez and Peter. Not sure which one is Rob and which one is Peter, but Kez is the one using the pretend name so people like us can’t find her on the internet to ask for MORE PICTURES OF YOUR SHOES.

From the book. The book has web sites. Good luck, book. Good luck, girl. Just remember, it may seem cool to lose your virginity to a 45-year-old man dressed like a wolf in a London Travelodge, but in 20 years time you’ll wish it was a bit more of a special moment.

Please stop emailing this in now. No we don’t smoke, but yes, we do like setting fire to things. Countryside hedgerows and the hair of women sitting in front of you on buses go up the best. Hedgerows burn nicest on crisp, dry autumn days, while hair is best freshly washed with a generous coating of hair spray to aid ignition.

We are only joking about the hair. No one ever sees the funny side of that. Hedgerows, however, are highly recommended.

Proper facts available on a proper web site. Better photos here.

Reader “Shine” said the funniest thing about them – “imagine dousing Sony HQ in petrol and then using one of these for the ‘coup de grace’.”

Like Christina Aguilera in ‘Genie in a Bottle’, our body is saying LET’S GO, but our heart is saying NO – IT’S FOR SICK CHILDREN. YOU CAN’T GET AN ERECTION OVER LIZ MCLARNON’S SHOES BECAUSE IT’S A CHARITY GAMING EVENT FOR SICK CHILDREN.

Sent in by “Lewie”. Lewie said there would be “something comically tragic about playing Zuma’s Revenge with Sooty and Sweep” but we haven’t played Zuma’s Revenge so don’t know if that’s a good thing to say or not.

Left half of brain can concentrate on Liz’s lovely shoes [SCROLL DOWN!], while the right half of the brain can think about sick children and how lucky we all are not to be in hospital under heavy sedation looking at drawings of Disney characters on the ceiling while waiting for a compatible liver to become available.

She just met him in a pub, and now they’re sharing a taxi home a mere 45 minutes later? The dirty cow.

Nice shoes. Specialist shoes. She would be more than welcome to inflict some serious damage to our scrotums with those heels.

Here’s the press release including the list of, er, motorway service stations where Liz will be appearing.

LIZ MCCLARNON LAUNCHES ‘POPCAP CELEBRITY PLAY-OFFS’ IN AID OF BBC CHILDREN IN NEED 2009

Singer and former Atomic Kitten turned celebrity chef Liz McClarnon was at Tower Bridge, London yesterday to cuddle up with Pudsey Bear for the launch of the PopCap Celebrity Play-offs in association with Welcome Break – a national fundraising tour in aid of BBC Children in Need 2009.

Liz and Pudsey climbed aboard an iconic London cab to get the UK tour on the road. The PopCap Celebrity Play-offs tour will get the nation gaming with a fun-packed party bus, which will roll into Welcome Break locations nationally. On board, Pudsey will be joined by celebrities who will challenge members of the great British public to beat their score on the latest hit game from PopCap.com, Zuma’s Revenge! – while also raising valuable funds for BBC Children in Need 2009.

Hopping aboard from Sunday 25 October to Sunday 1 November to try their luck in the PopCap Celebrity Playoffs will be TMI TV presenters Sam and Mark, Casualty star James Redmond and national TV treasures Sooty & Sweep – with lots of surprise stars along the way. The tour will stop off at Welcome Break locations in Cardiff, Bristol, Birmingham, Keele, Leicester, Sheffield and Huddersfield.

[Read the rest of this entry…]

Snuggle up with Suzanne.

There’s bound to be a photographer in attendance. Disney has loads of money.

Brilliant idea. Everyone should try this. Don’t know why we didn’t think of it before, it makes so much sense. If it was us, we’d urinate on the broken pieces to ensure nothing can be repaired afterwards.

And get a woman to do the urinating, so more people on the internet want to watch the video.

Hopefully the power of advertising will result in Sony’s installed user base mysteriously dropping over the coming weeks.

Not found in Japan – found in “Topman in Westfield London” by a man called “Iain”.

Iain said he couldn’t be bothered writing anything proper and that we should just make something up…

CREAM’S SEXY SHOPPING SPREE
By M. Zorg

“Come on now little lady, there’s no escaping it!” said the mummy rabbit, pulling her struggling daughter out from beneath her little wooden bed by grabbing her orange shoes and yanking her across the floor.

“But mommy! I really don’t need any new clothes!” blustered the little girl rabbit, her bottom lip poking out so far it surely must have stuck out further than her cute little nose.

Mommy, however, wasn’t taking no for an answer. Little Cream got through clothes like nobody’s business. Always out on some rough and tumble adventure with her friends, always coming home with something ripped, something torn to shreds or something bursting apart at the seams.

“Come on now, Cream, you can’t wear that dress any more. It’s ripped. Look, I can see your tummy through that hole!”

Mommy rabbit poked a soft, hairy finger at Cream’s midriff, pulling the ripped fabric aside to reveal her daughter’s downy little belly and sinewy muscles. You may even have got a quick glimpse of the top of her pants.

“And look at these things!” said mommy. “My, they’ve grown quickly. We’ll need to get you a proper bra now!”

****

“Hey Sonic! What are you doing here?!”

Sonic froze, then started speaking in hushed tones.

“Oh, er, just… just shopping for clothes” the blue hedgehog said, his pink face bit suddenly looking much redder than usual.

“Who are you here with?” asked Cream, holding up a pair of small white cotton panties against her slender frame to judge the fit.

“Oh… just some… friends…” Sonic said, as he shrunk away lower and lower, as if he was about to roll into a ball right there in the shopping centre.

“SONIIIIIIIIIIIC! Where are you? Why don’t you try these LOVELY UNDERPANTS on for me?” cackled an old woman – it was Sonic’s mum!

“Aw, mum, not now” mumbled the hedgehog.

“Yes, now! I’ve got to get home – it’s chilli dogs for tea! You like chilli dogs, don’t you? I know you do, now take these pants and try them on.

“Aw, mum, can’t I just play on the rides with Cream?”

Sonic’s mum was thoroughly fed up of her boy’s enthusiasm. She’d chased him all the way through the bakery section, run after him as he leapt from car-to-car in the car park, then had to apologise to astonished customers as he sprinted the wrong way up the downward escalators.

She grabbed Sonic by the neck with one hand, and carried him into the changing room.

“Cream, you go in there with him. Make sure he doesn’t run away. I’ll wait outside”

*****

“Can you, like, turn around, Cream?” Sonic asked, clearly not enjoying the claustrophoc atmosphere of the tiny changing room.

“What?! Why? You never usually wear clothes anyway, Sonic!” Cream laughed,

“Look, I’m not shy!”

Cream lifted her dress clean over her head.

“See?”

Sonic sighed and turned around, quickly pulling on the underpants that bore his name. The underpants were baggy enough that he didn’t have to take his shoes off, which was at least one good thing about this terrible situation. Sonic turned around.

“OK. Are these OK? Please say yes, then we can spilt this joint” Sonic asked Cream, trying desperately to maintain eye contact and not to look at her nakedness.

“Gee, Sonic, those pants are no good – they’ve got a hole in the front of them – look!”

Cream grabbed the front of Sonic’s Sonic underpants and gestured to the seam.

Sonic started mumbling… “I think that’s supposed to be there, it’s so you can…”

“I can practically fit my whole hand through that gap!” she exclaimed, getting more and more enthusiastic, probably because the thrill of getting caught was turning her on.

This should probably be The End now, before their mums appear and join in.

Due to the popular demand of one reader, we are bringing this thing back. This one is going out to all you jungle fans. Big up Swindon. Big up Northampton. Big up ALL junglists, in fact.

SONIC DESKTOP #7: “HAVING A SWINGIN’ TIME!”

It was the below tedious list of HTML links to the previous entries that stopped us doing another one of these for so long.

PREVIOUSLY, ON GREATEST SONIC DESKTOPS:

“UNDERWATER CRISIS!”

“SAFE LANDING FROM ROBO CHAOS ZONE!”

“I’M COMING TO GET YA!”

“MUST… KILL… SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!”

“YOU CAN’T STOP ME THIS TIME, SONIC!”

“I’VE GOT YOUR BACK, SONIC!”

This is what SEGA Racing Classic is, according to proper facts found by the legend.

“Sega Racing Classic is a revamped version of Sega’s smash hit Daytona USA, featuring the original tracks and heart pumping action with all new high definition graphics. The game runs on the Sega Ringwide hardware, with the stunning graphics displayed on a 32″ Widescreen LCD.

-32” Hi-Def LCD Widescreen
-1280 x 720 Resolution
-Force Feedback Steering
-Link up to 4 Cabinets
-Eye Catching Cabinet
-New Billboard Leader Display
-Color changing LED Cabinet lights
-Classic Gameplay

The only problem with this is SEGA calling its new arcade hardware “Ringwide”. How on earth did that decision get past the numerous layers of bureaucracy? WHY DID NO ONE SPEAK UP?

The cabinet image is hosted here. We’ve tried randomly changing it to different numbers to see if there are any proper screenshots, but nothing of interest comes up. If anyone fancies a little job for the rest of the evening, please, feel free. Looks like there’s 6000 to go through. We’ve done 6100 – 6130. Wouldn’t mind a go on 6127.

UPDATE: “Constable London” has covered off 2739 so don’t bother with that one.