PlayStation controller used to detonate bomb, via some pretend American “news” station. The PlayStation controller features at around the 1.47 mark if you’re still pretending you have something better to do and want to skip to the money-shot.
“YET MORE proof of the ENEMY and its treacherous links with INSURGENT MILITIA. I can’t think of a funny comment so you might have to yourselves on this occasion, that is if you even decide to go with this. If it isn’t of sufficient quality I can provide high resolution images of Natasha Bedingfield to soothe all complaints” – Ian-Ian.
Here’s a new controversy that will surely set Twitter AFIRE WITH RAGE – our national broadcaster has been taking backhanders from the enemy in order to promote its latest cash-burning PlayStation3 software development to consumers.
Or perhaps this is a warning. Be wary of overly-hyped, big budget releases that are simply too important for anyone to say they’re shit until they’ve been out for well a year. Oh yes, THEN everyone will bravely pipe-up about it PERHAPS being a bit overrated. SCUM. ALL OF YOU. SCUM.
“I was keeping abreast of the local news this evening, being entertained by Polly Evans and the male presenter bloke on ‘South East Today’, with the mix of quirky and non-interesting stories gradually eating away at my soul. Then the weather came on, where Nazaneen Ghaffar showed us how much were going to get pissed on for the next few days, with soon after, some blatant advertising for the PlayStation3 exclusive (but not as good as Shenmue) ‘Triple-A title’ Heavy Rain. To me this seems a little TOO convenient to be a coincidence, with the UK release of Heavy Rain being this Friday. The enemy has infiltrated the BBC, or Nazaneen, or maybe both” – Sam.
The enemy is again attempting to rewrite history before the war is even over! Speaking to IGN and quoted by Eurogamer, Peter Dille, the enemy’s Senior Vice President of Marketing (Marketing = LIES), tried to blame stock shortages for the dismal showing of his console.
Peter, THERE WAS NO STOCK SHORTAGE. We were there. We remember what happened. It was only two-and-a-half years ago. We saw it happen. We documented it as it happened. Your pieces of shit were piled upin everyshop and warehousethe lengthand breadthof thiscountry. And America, we just didn’t bother saving all the American PS3 stockpile photos.
Lest we forget Manchester, England, Peter, where Virgin had 328 in stock shortly after launch. LEST WE FORGET THE BRAVE PEOPLE OF MANCHESTER, PETER, WHO RESISTED YOU THEN AND STILL RESIST YOU NOW – AND WILL RESIST AND RESIST AND RESIST UNTIL YOU QUIT. Is that a shortage, Peter? Is 328 a shortage? You must have a lot of everything if you think 328 is not very many.
That is A LIE. There was a GLUT, Peter. There was an enormous fucking GLUT, you fool. Anyway. With thanks to “Shine” for pointing out Sony’s latest embarrassingly crude attempt at retrospective reputation management.
It’s all in Italian, but if you scroll down a bit, Italian Reader “Francesco” will provide a convincingly local-sounding translation.
“Something terrible happened in Italy this week. A guy and his father playing FIFA on PlayStation. After the match the boy try to kill his father stabbing him with a kitchen knife! Journalist blame PlayStation and they are right! If the father of the boy brought him a Dreamcast instead a PlayStation, maybe after the match they go to pub and cheers up, but no, he buy a PlayStation3, an evil device from outer world and that’s what happened! Please, help us to bring some blue sky in our poor country! This is the link of the story” – Francesco.
The latest version of real-time tedium simulator Gran Turismo 5 has been delayed again, with its Japanese “March” release now changed to “TBA”. This a mere TWO YEARS after the demo arrived in 2008. Unbelievable incompetence. We are trying to think of a good joke about what TBA might stand for in this context.
Just when you think Sony can’t get any worse this generation, BLAM! – it shoots itself in the groin again, with the bullet unfortunately traveling through the soft, fatty flesh and embedding itself in the knee.
We honestly cannot understand Sony. We should be reviewing Gran Turismo 6: Director’s Cut right now, not hearing that GT5 has been delayed YET AGAIN. Games are not ART, they are BIG BUSINESS.
This man and his inept colleagues at Polyphony are costing Sony money by the day. Not just in spiraling development costs, but in slowing the adoption of PS3 worldwide, meaning there are fewer console owners to buy Sony’s other dull games once they’re bored of his dull game. There is only one answer…
Get Traveller’s Tales in with IMMEDIATE EFFECT! Seriously, Traveller’s Tales could kick Yamauchi’s shit into shape in a couple of months, probably using spare people it’s got earmarked for doing downloadable content for LEGO games. We firmly believe Traveller’s Tales could get GT5 ready in time for an April release.
What should Sony do about GT5?
Or cancel the PS3 version and keep it for a rush-released PS4? We would love it if that happened. Could do with another war to get rid of this troublesome rage.
You know, that thing it does, where it shoves a controller into the hand of a bewildered retirement home inhabitant who’s monged off what’s remaining of their tits on painkillers, then takes a photo whenever they remember a happy anecdote from their childhood years and start to smile.
Look at them. They don’t care. They’re just doing it because nurse said they can have an extra biscuit and get spared from the nightly raping if they do what the nice man with the hair gel and photographer says to do for 10 minutes. FUCKING MODERN GAMES!
What are you going to do for your next console, Nintendo? Put the controller near a dog then take a photo of it wagging its tail as proof of the machine’s accessibility and genre-busting popularity?
Please, bring on the next video gaming crash. We will happily bury the entire sorry industry in a hole with a digger. We’ll even pay for the hire of the digger and the diesel, just tell us where you want the fucking hole.
SKIRMISH UPDATE:
We’ve decided Nintendo is an ENEMY again. We knew the uneasy truce brought about by Animal Crossing Wild World wouldn’t last.
The enemy continues to waste its money pushing its “PlayStation3” “entertainment” consoles onto an uncaring and unwanting world, with the foolish hardware maker STILL losing money on every PS3 it TRICKS unaware civilians into buying.
And this despite the enemy boasting of recent engineering efficiencies!
Image taken from a propaganda leaflet air-dropped in by Kotaku, which claims PS3 costs $336.27 to make – and sells for less. And that’s before you take into account the cost of the box, and all the shit games Sony rams into the packaging in order to make it look like some sort of “deal”.
Or Merry Christmas to one. Merry Christmas to the one person who still insists on hanging about inside PlayStation Home, to see if Sony has discovered or invented a reason for it to exist yet.
Look, there’s a Christmas tree in Home now. Each bauble represents a unique microtransaction opportunity on behalf of the brand sponsors.
She’s turned away so we can’t see the tears. And do you know what’s inside those gift boxes? Nothing. They are symbolic hollow structures that represent the emptiness of Home itself.
Our brave investigative reporter has stuck his Train2Game cockney monkey salesman videos back online, now boasting a TRIPLE-REDUNDANT BACKUP that spreads the material across three separate video-sharing sites.
Lovely proof that when you force people to delete ONE thing off the internet, THREE new versions of it pop up to take its place, because people on the internet have more combined spare time than any one company.
OPENING PREAMBLE
“I see you are now at war with Train2Game so I thought now would be a good time to upload my Train2Game YouTube videos again. So should you feel the need to post links to them in the upcoming war they are here.”
“Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking ‘That’s all well and good, but those swines will just have them taken down again’. And yes, you’re right, they probably will ask YouTube to take them down again – but this time they are going to have to take them off Yahoo Video too!”
Train2Game, a trading name of Metropolitan International Schools Ltd, is not happy about this and this in which the usefulness and sales practices of its get-a-job-in-games courses were questioned by several UKR readers. It has complained to YouTube and had the videos pulled, now it has sent us a legal letter demanding our updates are taken down. No one said PLEASE.
Had it asked nicely we perhaps may have complied. We are sometimes capable of basic human kindness.
Sadly, we now have to inform Train2Game that because it did not say please a state of ENEMIES now exists between UK Resistance, Train2Game and all associated subsidiaries of Metropolitan International Schools Ltd. This is very exciting.
We can only hope that news of this legal threat doesn’t cause more damage to Train2Game’s battered reputation. Kindly old Bruce has already outed them, twice in fact, pointing out that they tried to sue Google (!), plus the Advertising Standards Agency has upheld complaints about the parent company’s practices before.
You know a company is a bit odd when it tries to shut down Google. Would you want to give money to an operation that tries to hide opinions of its customers from the public? We can only hope this page doesn’t go on to feature highly in Google’s search rankings when people research Train2Game in future!
Tony, the reason everyone on the internet thinks T2G is a “scam” is because you try to censor search engine results and force sites and forums to delete valid debates. It’s pretty simple.
Train2Game is clearly unaware of the SCARS WE BEAR. We would rather crash our ship into their ship wiping both of us out than surrender as directed. The self-destruct procedure has been initiated. Riker is being very brave about it, although Deanna looks like she might be about to start crying.
OUR TERMS OF SURRENDER:
If the MD of Train2Game sends us a polite email asking nicely for the updates to be taken down along with a photo of him doing a “thumbs up” in front of a screen showing UK Resistance to put in their place, we will be happy to comply and remove the pages.
FURTHER READING: Sorry this is such a boring company to declare enemies on, but they did start it.
READY-UP: “In the welcome pack all the lessons exactly copied word for word, picture for picture from the tutorials on the GameMaker website, and as you all know GameMaker is freeware and completely independent.”
NEWRETRO: “I honestly see this is as straight forward miss-selling of the qualification considering it’s not even a degree equivalent and is a new course”
HEXUS: “…in the meantime, i’d like to reiterate our request for everyone’s co-operation and that – until further notice – please will all HEXUS.community members refrain from creating any more threads or making any posts regarding ‘Train2Game’, Metropolitan International Schools Limited or any other of its trading styles such as ‘SkillsTrain’.”
ANGRY MAN: “The online tutors do not reply to your queries and I even attempted to cancel the course payments within the time that was allowed. But they tried to convince me to write a letter and waste more time! I have emailed them repeatedly and to no surprise they still have ignored me.”
CHAOS ENGINE: “I am being threatened with libel again! This time by the people behind Train2Game.”
HAVE A STORY ABOUT T2G?
Please let us know. We’ll compile a Word document and put it in with the black box flight data recorder to be recovered after the detonation.
