It’s the glory days of the 1993 European Grand Prix all over again.

“Here is the update of the year you’ve been longing for. I’ll link to it, but I fear it won’t be there for long. The article itself doesn’t feature the photo – http://m.uk.yahoo.com/ [YES, IT HAS SINCE DISAPPEARED]. Therefore, I took a picture of it using the ‘PrtSc’ key, which doesn’t seem to print the screen at all, rather uses an advanced internal camera to, in effect, ‘capture the screen’. See the attached png [WE CONVERTED IT TO A JPEG AS WE ARE ‘AGAINST’ MOST FORMS OF PNG] for your lossless yet nicely compressed looking at pleasure.

“I also ‘blew it up’ and did some filtering and sharpening to make it larger, giving you two pictures of increasing size for the price of one rubbish update. I have nothing further to say as I should have been asleep half an hour ago. Yours sincerely, Police Constable London (not a real police officer)” – Police Constable London.

Here’s one we’ve picked out as a random sample and illustration of the general level of quality on display. You may want to plough through the rest while forming your own conclusions.

The visual image is ruined by the idea of what’s going on inside her head.

That, believe it or not, is the searingly original plot of Sonic Unleashed – as ported, somehow, to mobile phone format. Reader “Karl” bravely sacrificed three of his own pounds to take these frankly terrible photos of it in action.

Seriously, Karl, a large amount of ‘sorting out’ needs to be done in your camera department.

“I have attached some images from ‘Sonic Unleashed’ on mobile phone, which I actually paid a whole £3 for.”

“It’s not very good. French mobile developer Gameloft seems to have turned Sonic’s blue sky into a slate grey, and there is no sound, apart from an electronic farting noise when you die.”

“The first level is nice and pacey, and it’s got all of Sonic’s moves in it, but in the third level you are confronted with some bizarre text suggesting that Sonic has PMS and detailing a transformation into Sonic the Werehog.”

“What I don’t get is that surely the Werehog should be stronger than regular Sonic? But the Werehog only has some crappy punch moves and is less agile, making him weaker and more vulnerable. Picture 9 is the Werehog, you can probably just about make out his deformed features.”

“There are a few pictures of the first Robotnik boss as well, but I couldn’t be arsed to play it after that. Sorry :(” – Karl.

KARL’S SUMMARY:

Graphics: 7/10
Sound: -10/10
Gameplay: 2/10
Lifespan: 1/10
Overall: -4/10

INTERVIEW WITH KARL REGARDING HIS ‘CAMERA’:
UKR: What on earth are you using as a camera?

KARL: My laptop’s webcam. Ironically, I usually use my mobile as my camera, and the one time I want to photo something to put on the internet, it’s on the back of my camera lens :(

UKR: Could you not have borrowed a camera?

KARL: I tried again with a dead expensive digital camera I borrowed, but they actually came out blurrier. I think it’s the backlighting on the screen. How does a professional take screenies of a mobile game then?

UKR: Most proper screenshots would be taken by running the actual game application on a PC emulator and doing direct captures that way.

Here’s a first – a reader slipping in a plug for his book.

OPENING PREAMBLE
“I went to Anime Expo, a big anime convention located in Los Angeles, a few weeks ago to sell a nice a book at the Artist Alley there. While walking around the place, I ran into a girl cosplaying your cream colored goddess and did my duty as a UKR reader to snap a photo and give you something to update with. Ignore the jokers in giant cardboard boxes in the background; they should be ashamed of themselves.”

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

“Included is a scaled down version you can post on the blog (with no work necessary for you!)…”

“…a medium size version of just medium size goodness…”

“…and a GIANT WALLPAPER version with special nostalgia tint added on. Keep up the good work” – Persona.

Children. Rubbish. The only advantage they have on adults is the fact they’ll win at life, due to dying later. Plus telly is better these days. No ‘Ceefax’ mornings for them.

“I went to the Videogame Nation exhibition in Manchester, at the Urbis, yesterday. Not bad but I would have been pissed off if I had paid money to get into it. One interesting bit is the ‘Design your own game cover’ bit, where they have a stack of A4 paper and some felt tips. This is ‘Cooking Mama with Sonic’ by Libby, age 7.”

“‘R U as speedy as Sonic?’, by Rachel from Billingham”.

“‘Where is F-Zero?!’, by Anonymous”.

“‘Single Working mother 2’, by some pervert. Other highlights included an area marked ‘Over 18s only’ that I saw a kid, probably about 12 year old, corrupting his mind with GTA4, and LittleBigPlanet with a broken PS3 controller” – LewieP.

ARTISTIC REVIEW:

REVIEW: Clever awareness of brand extensions from Libby, who shows a great eye for the sales potential of mass-market tie-ups with this genre-defying creation. Her canny emphasis on Sonic would open up the ‘Mama’ brand to an entirely new audience of SEGA and Sonic fans, helping the series earn new followers – and could lead to special editions featuring the likenesses of other games characters. Libby has not just suggested a piece of boxart, she has broken down the staid boundaries and smashed through the limits of conventional thought that would contain and limit the entire industry.

REVIEW: Where indeed? The question posed by Anonymous here is one being asked by myriad Nintendo fans the world over, as they attempt to convince themselves they’re happy playing Wii Fit. Where’s F-Zero? Where next for Nintendo now it’s ditching – and seemingly embarrassed by – its traditional userbase? Where next, perhaps, for the viewer, who, feeling disenfranchised by Nintendo’s sudden change in direction, may be left questioning their personal place and relevance to the modern games industry?

REVIEW: The question bursts through the artwork and attacks the subconscious of the would-be gamer. Am I as fast as Sonic? Would this game tell me? Could this game educate AND entertain me? By focussing on the unarticulated insecurities of the viewer, Rachel both challenges and reassures the viewer that, yes, they may well not be as ‘fast’ as Sonic but the ability to reach one’s own potential personal ‘top speed’ lies within us all and simply requires an adequate catalyst to release it. Could this game be that catalyst? Could ‘R U as Speedy as Sonic?’ be the trigger that leads to a physical and emotional uplift for the player, ushering in a positive new era for their entire life outlook? An extremely powerful piece.

REVIEW: Would.

Particularly Bath. Burn that copy of “Girl Gamer” magazine, just to be on the safe side.

Stolen from the Twitter feed of a brave young soul trapped inside the decaying office – yet still selflessly working away for YOUR entertainment. We shall be praying for you. We shall also be deleting this update in a hurry if anyone gets seriously ill.

Blacked-out windows. Padlock on door. A seemingly innocent scene mirrored in gardens across the country. But the contents list of this shed is not lawnmower, shears, spare garden chair, broken strimmer and dishevelled prostitute – it’s a SEGA RELATED shed.

“Behold my shed painted a ‘shit brown’ colour. While most men choose to fill their sheds with tools or a collection of soft porn mags, I have decided to make mine the smallest arcade in the England.”

“Inside sits my stand-up Daytona USA cabinet. I call it ‘Vanessa Feltz’ because it weighs over 200kg. I won’t power it up because that would be too exciting for the average UK Resistance reader.”

“Conforming to UK Resistance rules of getting closer in each photo I have engaged the zoom facility on my camera to show you how much it would be to play if you ever came to my shed. Anyone with less than a pound will be sent away.”

“As you can see I currently have only 40p to my name and cannot afford to play this amazing game. I was hoping other UK Resistance users could spare 60p out of there Jobseeker Allowance/Money they make from selling drugs in a council bedsit/Money they make in prison making postage sacks or whatever it is they do. Thanks” – Rex Everything.

Someone seemingly called “Anne” has decided to be the US SEGA Flickr account monitor. This is very handy, as we’ve been sobbing into administrator menus for the last week and don’t care what the updates are about.

There wasn’t an interview. She just sent it in.

ANNE’S FINDINGS:

“There’s a nice shot of spokesperson / random TV host Daisy Fuentes which shows a lot of cleavage here. Large size is here.”

“Apparently she has a new Wii Pilates game coming out. Wikipedia also states that her clothing lines use child labor which she pays 25 cents an hour. Presumably the Wii game developers got paid more, like 35 cents an hour.”

“Apparently SEGA also gave out these “finger bands” from Virtua Tennis 2009.”

“Perhaps these could be used to reduce the strain of a prolonged wanking session? That’s just a guess though because as a woman I of course have no penis to test it on.”

ANNE’S ONLINE JOB APPRAISAL FORM
Anne correctly identified celebrity Daisy Fuentes as an ideal target for UKR update material, also singling out  the “large” format of the picture for easy access. But, with an original upload date of June 11, the ‘material’ isn’t particularly fresh. Going forward, Anne needs to work on her timings to ensure she’s not left behind by the quicker-reacting “aggregator” blogs that will have been all over this three weeks ago. B-

Oh yes, we are so down with the graffiti. Only last week we “tagged” the local bus stop by writing our initials on it in biro. We put the year down as being “1998” so it looks like the writing has been there for longer than it actually has.

We also got as far as scratching a “U” into the back of a train seat, before realising that’s not what granddad fought in the war for.

Neither is any of this.

“Found in an alley beside a pawn shop in Toronto.”

“The Sonic and Robotnik are pretty cool but I think the artist gave up near the end of the alley because I have no idea who the purple bird thing is.”

“Sorry about poor quality. I used my crappy cell phone camera. I was going to go back with my camera but it was an alley beside a pawnshop so I thought that would’ve been a bit much” – JC.

No idea. Probably one of the new ones out of whatever that DS RPG was called in the end.