Words cannot… there’s nothing you can… it’s not possible to express… you simply can’t… no one could ever…

He was bored enough to send it. We were bored enough to upload it. You’re bored enough to be looking at it. The sooner AIDS or North Korea or cancer puts us all out of our miseries the better.

It’s of Sonic The Hedgehog on stage at a fashion show accompanied by a woman that looks like 80s freakshow entertainer Su Pollard:

He appears to be wearing a huge prosthetic vagina.

Inevitably, there’s now a clip of it happening on YouTube.

Is it time to die yet?

So old. So tired. Ready to sleep now.

This is the back of a man’s sister’s chair. He says the design looks a bit like Dr Robotnik, although she insists it’s meant to be flowers.

Beat that.

This is a photo of a sign in the car park at SEGA Europe. Someone’s being a parking space nazi. You can see some interesting uses of capital letters.

This out-bores our update about the SEGA Park carpet by some 25 percent. We’re sorry about this for many reasons. Has anyone got a less interesting SEGA photograph than this?

You can see his little heart breaking, as he mentally weighs up the pros of eating sweets and playing games all day against the cons of being popular.

No free things or parties for you, Porky Piggywinkle. Best you can hope for is to get in the top 1000 of something on Xbox Live.

This exciting idea for an update started about two months ago, when a man said he’d seen the word “SEGA” sprayed on a wall beside a railway line somewhere in Essex.

He said he’d take us a photo. Usually people say they’ll do things like that but never bother, so we forgot about it and thought he’d never bother. But he bothered!

Then, just when we’d forgotten about it, someone else sent us the below collection of links to photos of other SEGA graffiti spotted around the world. So we got a proper update that Kotaku will probably steal and link to, and all we had to do was resize a few photos. Thanks everyone!

The graffiti-spotter also found a hi-res version of the Sonic anti-fascism logo, for all you Sonic/SEGA fans who may be attending anti-fascism rallies at some point in the future.

A ‘SHOUT OUT’ TO WHERE THEY ALL CAME FROM:

Here

Here

Here

Here

And from someone’s Flickr account here

Maybe if all the locations of the photos are plotted on a world map a clue appears as to SEGA’s return to the hardware market! It could be Dreamcast 2 viral marketing!!

It was a good day for emails. We got two about sex drugs, two MySpace friend requests (more bloody men) and an amazing FIVE containing weird SEGA-related photographs.

Here they are all at once, as the harsh truth is that none are quite good enough to make it into individual updates. But together they are stronger.

This is the ‘Sonic and Tails Spinner’. We have no idea what it is or how it’s supposed to be a game. Here’s what the photographer had to say about it:

“The spinner was made Sonic Adventure era as there’s a picture of the robot with the bird what’s inside of him on the right of the base. I’d lost interest by then though and some 7 year olds were watching me with a view to steal my phone, so I didn’t get a picture. Note how Sonic appears to be either bumming or fisting tails. Maybe that’s why it broke? The worst part is it’s about 5 minutes away from where I work and will no doubt be in there on payday, spunking money away like there’s no tomorrow.“

This is an anti-nazi parade and they have an actual Sonic banner made up. Sonic stands for freedom!

“I found this picture in an article about the protest of a German anti-fascistic rganisation called ‘Antifa’. They were protesting against the fact that neo-nazis want to buy the untenanted hotel shown in this picture to establish a nazi meeting point there. I don’t know why they painted Sonic on their banner.“

Sticking with the German-language territories, this is the SEGABAR. We presume it’s a bar – the only information the sender provided was that it’s “probably the roughest fleshpot in Salzburg”. We always knew that if SEGA did fleshpots in Salzburg, they’d probably be the roughest fleshpots in Salzburg.

It’s an exciting cardboard box! It appears to be a SEGA Mark III box of games box. The sender seemed very excited about having it in his possession.

SEGA World Shanghai.

“I was in a large shopping centre in Xu Jia Hui Shanghai and noticed a rather large ‘Sega World’ logo on top of a machine as I went up the escalator. It looked rather dirty so I figured it was some throw-back machine from the early 90s. Upon further investigation I discovered a fully functioning Sega World, complete with OutRun2, House of the Dead and a whole load of other things. The people were loving it. Despite the lack of interest in OutRun2 the other games were getting a lot of play time. It must be one of the only places in Shanghai where you can play games legitimately without them being copies…“

It’s a box that says Sonic on it that someone thought we’d like to see. They took the photo on holiday and probably wish they’d saved the money and stayed at home watching telly if this was the highlight of the trip.

There’s no way Kotaku is going to link to this :(

Maybe if it was an official SEGA cardboard box we’d be a bit more enthusiastic.

SOME FAN FICTION ABOUT A CARDBOARD BOX

THE BOX OF JOY
By Michael Zorg

Who’s this in this box? Why, it’s Cream The Rabbit!

“Hello, big strong man. Do you want to get into the box with me?”

“Yes”

“I’m naked apart from my little orange shoes”

“Good”

We get in the box and a workman comes along, tapes up the box and puts it in a truck. The truck drives to Monaco and the journey goes really quickly because we’re having sex all the time.

In Monaco there’s a big house there which we’re allowed to have for free and live in together forever with no one else ever talking to us. It’s got satellite TV with all the sport and porn channels, and no internet or telephone.

The end.

Just when you thought you couldn’t get more bored of our incredibly dull series of updates about closed SEGA Worlds, a man goes and sends us a photograph of the carpet in SEGA World Southampton.

Who would’ve thought that one day we’d become the sort of web site that uploads photographs of carpets like it’s news?

It’s an ideal carpet for lying down on in the dark, as when you roll over to sob into the floor you’d see Sonic and maybe feel a bit happier about the way things have turned out.

***UPDATE***
The carpet was made by Grosvenor Carpets and it’s actually called SEGA Park, not SEGA World.

SOME CARPET-INSPIRED FAN FICTION WE’VE JUST WRITTEN:

SONIC GETS A CARPETING
By Michael Zorg

“Oh, do we HAVE to?” moaned Sonic, as Amy dragged him through the car park of Carpet Megastore.

“Yes, Sonic, we DO” said Amy, firmly, tugging his hand and quickening her walk.

“You’ve worn them all out with your constant spinning”

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Sonic was thinking he’d rather be anywhere than shopping for carpets. Not only shopping for carpets, but shopping for carpets with Amy. Amy loved shopping for carpets, heck, Amy loved shopping for anything!

Last Saturday it was ring holders, the Saturday before it was emerald stands, the Saturday before that was… something Sonic really wasn’t interested in and also considered a waste of time buying.

This Saturday was carpets.

Sonic trudged along behind Amy, occasionally pretending he had an opinion on a carpet before being told it wasn’t good enough and they had to carry on looking. Perhaps, later, they may have to go to another carpet store to see more carpets, said Amy, such was the lack of a suitable carpet in this shop that contained 1000 carpets.

Sonic, unusually for him, was dragging his feet and walking slowly. So slowly, in fact, that Amy had wandered off ahead of him separating the two of them.

“Hey Sonic!”

It was Cream!

“Oh, er, hey Cream!” said Sonic, nervously glancing around to make sure Amy wasn’t about. “How are you?”

“Oh, you know, bored of shopping for carpets. Mum made me come, she says the one in my bedroom is all worn out because I’m always spinning on it. How I hate shopping for carpets!”

“Yeah, carpets are stupid!” said Sonic, after once again checking that Amy wasn’t within earshot.

“No, wait! Come and see what I’ve found!” Cream said, her eyes suddenly widening and, unbeknownst to Sonic, weeing herself slightly from being so excited.

Before he could protest, Cream grabbed Sonic by the hand and ran very fast – almost as fast as Sonic himself! – through the carpet store into a dark, deserted aisle.

“Look!”

Cream pointed to an old cylinder of carpet. It was grey with a blue design. It was dusty, and had probably lain there untouched since about 1992.

“The design, Sonic, look at the design!!”

Cream pulled Sonic roughly toward the carpet rack, and punched the old carpet to remove some of the dust. Sonic sneezed, waved the dust from the air and peered at the carpet.

“It’s… it’s ME!”

“Yes, Sonic! You’re so famous and cool they made a carpet after you!”

Sonic couldn’t believe his eyes. They had made a carpet after him! Probably in 1992, when he was the most famous because of Sonic 2 on the Mega Drive.

“Wow!” said Sonic, grabbing the frayed end of the carpet and yanking it hard to unfurl a fresh, clean and dust free section. “It’s as good as new!”

“Yes, and so soft!” said Cream, as she unfurled loads more carpet, until carpet was covering the entire width of the aisle!

Cream stroked the carpet, then lay down on it. She rolled over onto her tummy, letting her little orange dress ride up to reveal her white knickers.

“Come here, Sonic!”

Sonic looked around nervously.

“Come on! It’s all soft and like new!” giggled Cream, slipping off her orange shoes and lying back on the carpet, playfully kissing the woven Sonic image on the carpet and smiling up at the real Sonic standing there in front of her.

Sonic looked around nervously again, before smiling – with attitude! – and rolling up beside Cream on the lovely soft carpet.

“It’s so soft, isn’t it?” said Cream, gently, stroking the carpet and gradually moving her hand toward Sonic, then stroking Sonic’s arm.

Sonic looked at Cream. “Yes, Cream, it’s very soft and I…”

“SONIC!”

It was Amy.

“What the HELL are you doing with HER?!”

“Oh, Amy! It’s, er, I can…” stuttered Sonic.

“I’m going home!” squealed Amy in a very angry voice indeed.

Amy then turned around and started to run at full speed – but she was so angry she didn’t look where she was going and hit her head on a metal carpet rail.

Amy fell on the ground. You could tell she was dead immediately, because of the brain and stuff that had come out.

“Oh well” said Sonic.

“Oh well” said Cream.

Sonic grabbed the carpet cutting tool and cut off a length of the Sonic carpet, rolled Amy’s body up in it and put it in a big trolley. They paid for the carpet – it was cheap because it was so old – and then Sonic and Cream drove in Amy’s car to some cliffs and threw the carpet-wrapped body off into the sea, where it sank to the bottom and was never found.

They then went home and had sex on the threadbare carpet in Sonic’s house, but they didn’t notice that the carpet was threadbare because sex is better and more fun than carpets.

The end.