We’ve been sent photos of the inside of SEGA World Sydney, back during the short period it was open and seemed like maybe being financially viable.

It looks like they had too much space to put everything in, and as if the whole place was designed by the BBC special effects department in collaboration with the National Film Board of Canada. In 1981.

In short, it looks rubbish.

It’s a nice sign. We’d be tempted in by that. Before you scroll down, be warned that this is by far the highlight of the photos. If you’re sensitive about having your dreams about SEGA palaces crushed, don’t scroll down.

The quality of these photos isn’t good enough to tell if that’s a real person or a model of a person. Stupid 2001 cameras and their abysmal pixel counts. Either way, it’s a rubbish sign that looks like it belongs in the 1940s not a cutting-edge SEGA amusement/dream-making facility.

This is rubbish. It’s like a Soviet Union children zoo. That’s not fun. And it’s dirty. The poor kids.

This is the family. Dad’s taking the photos and mentally totting up how much money he’s wasted on this amazingly disappointing day out.

Not really that exciting.

Not really that exciting.

We know people got more excitied about rubbish things back in the ‘old days’ before all the cool stuff we have now was invented, but this was only made in the late 1990s. Even in the late 1990s we wouldn’t have got excited about a big plastic tube standing on an unconvincing sci-fi floor.

As disappointing as the SEGA AGES series.

So this is why no one goes to arcades any more, and why SEGA Worlds are being replaced by more branches of Starbucks the world over. We now stand for the complete annihilation of these miserable hell holes.

So we went and investigated it! The sign looked like it had where it says ‘SEGA’ covered up with a sticker, so it might’ve been a closed, abandoned SEGA World facility, with lots of classic games in that everyone’s forgotten about! This could be a lost tomb, sealed forever in 1998 and therefore with everything in mint condition and probably set to freeplay!

It’s worrying that the ‘SEGA’ bit seems to have been covered up.

It’s definitely been covered up, hasn’t it? It would be some coincidence for a piece of paper exactly that size to randomly attach itself to that sign in that specific place, wouldn’t it?

Sadly, to get to SEGA World, you have to walk down the sort of underpass that we usually associate with buying heavily-cut drugs from tramps or having our laptop stolen. This might explain why the sign has been papered over and why it looks like it might be closed and abandoned. What lies down the underpass of DOOM? Is it really a SEGA World? Is it still open? Or is it closed? Or has it been turned into a McDonalds or a Starbucks like every other available retail space?

It’s a boring shopping center. There is no SEGA World in Sydney any more. That was a waste of everyone’s time. We looked for ages. Nothing.

THEN, JUST NOW, THREE WEEKS LATER AND AS IF BY COINCIDENCE!
We got an email from this bloke who saw a second closed SEGA World in Shanghai. What is happening to the world? :(

All the while, Apple is opening *more* iPod hellholes. The end times really are upon us.

It’s called a Mu-Bot and it looks like a baby! This could be the only way we ever get to have something like a baby, seeing as you can buy it from the shops and it doesn’t require making a woman like you and think she wants to have sex with you and be friends with you for at least nine months first.

We’ll call ours Katie, and pretend it’s a little girl. But if Katie doesn’t grow out of listening to iPods we’ll beat little Katie until she fucking learns. This is what we’ve learned about how children work from reading news on the internet.

BAD KATIE. KATIE MUST STAY IN HER ROOM. KATIE WILL NOT HAVE ANY DINNER UNTIL SHE STOPS LIKING iPODS. KATIE WILL GET SHAKEN AND HIT UNTIL THE COUNCIL TAKES KATIE AWAY. OH NO. POOR KATIE. WHAT HAVE WE DONE? WE WILL CRY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AND WONDER WHERE YOU ARE.

A man saw Sonic badly painted on an ice cream van, and like one of daddy’s bravest and most favourite little soldiers he got out his camera, or phone, or one of those new ‘cameraphone’ hybrids that probably also has MP3 ringtones, and took a photo of it just for us and you.

This is it!

Then, like a very very GOOD BOY, he actually wrote some fan fiction based on his encounter! This is awesome. More people should send us photos and the subsequent fan fiction they inspire. Textbook reader submission. A+

CREAM SCREAMS FOR ICE CREAM

By Matt Smith

“Look! It’s Sonic!” shouts the innocent six-year-old girl. “Sonic and ice cream!”

Off she runs towards the blue hedgehog’s arms, blissfully unaware of the approaching danger while mummy’s back is turned. She can hear the sweet synthpop beats of Green Hill Zone playing in her mind. “Do do do do do do do do doooo. Do do do, Do do do, Dooo Dooo!”

But it’s not over-priced, no-brand-name ice cream she’s going to get. It’s far, far worse than that.

“Can I have a Cornetto?” she asks the evil, evil man.

“Why certainly little girl.” The evil man replies as he goes to his freezer.

“Oh what a shame”, he says. “I am afraid they are all gone.”

The little girl looks down at her little orange shoes and sobs.

“But if you come into my van I am sure we can find something together!” the evil man replies.

Without thinking she smiles and says “OK!”

The man opens the door. She climbs inside and at first everything seems normal. “Why don’t you have a look inside the freezer?” The man suggests with a rather large grin on his face below his circular glasses and orange moustache.

The little girl is feeling uneasy. She begins to realise her mistake. She slowly walks over to the freezer and takes a look inside…

‘What is this?’ She thinks to herself. ‘It looks like robot parts and…’

“NO!” She screams!

“MUHAHAHAHA!” The man laughs as he rips off his fake apron and hat.

“It’s… It’s… YOU!”

“That’s right!” He bellows. “It’s me, Dr Robotnik! And you have fallen right into my trap, Cream!”

“What do you want!” She shouts.

“Why, a hostage of course! With you in my clutches I know Sonic will bring the Chaos Emeralds to me!”

“You’re crazy Robotnik!” Cream cries. “Sonic’s gonna rescue me and stop you once and for all!”

“MUHAHAHAHA! We’ll see about that!” he shouts. And with that he handcuffs her to the freezer, starts the engine and speeds off far away into the distance, his evil theme tune music menacingly playing through the ice cream van’s speakers.

TO BE CONTINUED?
By this, we mean please write some stuff about Cream getting raped and then starting to enjoy it and then getting covered in spunk (ours, not your lumpy old muck) in the comments section.

It’s the stuff we’ve been sent. At least, it’s the remaining dregs – anything we get sent that’s really good we do a proper update with and pretend we found it ourselves.

SOME BODGE-JOB MEGA DRIVE PRICK WANKER
“Some fool did this. I suspect it is useless as both a guitar and a Mega Drive. Cunt.”

BLOKE DOING A WEIRD DANCE TO THE JSR SOUNDTRACK
Bloke doing a weird dance to the JSR soundtrack

SOME SORT OF BIZARRE PSONE/MEGA DRIVE HYBRID THING ON A RUSSIAN WEB SITE
“Don’t know if you’ll have seen this already but i found some sort of bizarre psone/megadrive hybrid thing on a Russian website, looks weird.”

HOOKER MADE GOOD
“Looks like it paid off for some of those hookers you featured last year – whilst doing some E3 ‘research’, I happened across this pic of the winner at the launch of her new booth babe career, posing with a couple of runners-up with breasts deemed big enough to be adorned with the title of some other Sony shite.”

“And would, I s’pose.”

EA’S GENESIS PAD
“Found a bizarre thing in Toymaster in Dublin… backwater that it is. Not a SEGA logo anywhere on it. Down with that kind of thing.”

DAMIAN BUTT IS A ‘CUNT’
“You seen Cunt’s Corner? There’s a fucking super nasty thread on there for Damian Butt. Nothing to do with me, but I do hate the cunt and like the idea of him being ridiculed in front of the industry.”

A POSSIBLY INTERESTING FACT:
“Sonic is an enzyme now!”
http://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/MolDev/factor/shh.htm

SEGA WILL MAKE US ALL LIVE FOREVER
SEGA WILL MAKE US ALL LIVE FOREVER!!!!

“Looks like I’ll need that pension after all :(“

A DOG WEARING A SONIC T-SHIRT
“This is not my dog”

JUST A PICTURE OF WEMBLEY THAT WE HOPE WASN’T STOLEN FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE:

A FEW THINGS FROM JAPAN
“A few things from Japan for you as I’m leaving for England on Saturday…”

“Which is interestingly the most sense you can actually make of anything written in English in Japan…”

“Second is nothing more than something I found quite strange, no pictures because I didn’t have my camera at the time. In Sega Centers in Japan Sonic & Amy Rose are used for very few things, maybe signage outside the building occasionally, but more often that not they can be seen directing people to the toilets. Notice that like many diagrams for male/female toilets, they have the standard blue/pink colour scheme.”

“That’s it. Sorry it wasn’t much and if it’s been sent into you guys before.”

CUT-PRICE HOMESTAR
“Was out wandering around one the not-so-cool shopping places in Tokyo today, and found your SEGA Homestar effort for half of what you paid for it… HALF! 16,500 yen! 79 quid! You got bummed my friends.”

“Want another one?”

A HAMSTER PLAYING VF
“No idea of the origin of this one. But I bet old hammie would kick my arse at VF!”

EA ‘PULLS A SONY’
“I saw this and only one word came to mind: ‘Irony'”

“EA Mobile claims the market is flooded with bad games”

That’s everything. Thanks for joining in, everyone.

For ONLY 1.99! It’s amazing, the local chemist once again shows that it’s the greatest breed of shop. Having already proved it’s worth over the last eight years with a steady and never-ending stock of powerful Valium pills and industrial strength lubricants we didn’t think it could be any better. We were wrong. They have truly outdone themselves this time:

It’s some kind of cosmic sign that this still exists and is on a shelf after 15 years. Perhaps there’s even some kind of metaphor for SEGA there. We have ZERO doubt at all that were we to open this wonderful little bottle of gaming merchandise DELIGHT, it would actually smell of 1992, Mega Drive, and Becky Boroughclough’s hair.

THIS IS THE SCIENCE BIT:
In fact the bottle has been opened now and the reaction it has elicited from people includes:

“Smells of ‘Tolkien powder’.”

“Smells of grannies.”

“Oh fuck it smells of liquid.”

“It smells of cocaine.” (After snorting it.)

“It smells just like Tails – SHIT.”

This on-the-spot report provided by guest updater The Cap’n.

We’ve had someone else email us a photo of their Sonic-themed tattoo. This guy had the Sonic & Knuckles logo drilled into his skin FOREVER.

We emailed him back, suggesting this photo made the tattoo look like it was drawn on in pen. He then replied, saying the photo was taken on the day it was done, and it looks blotchy because of the scabs. Scabs are why we haven’t got any tattoos. He sent two more pictures in as further proof:

We HAVE to get one of Cream The Rabbit. HAVE TO NOW.

No, we didn’t get any good material for UKR out of going to E3. All we got were loads of predictable, cliched photos of the show, like everyone else always gets.

LOADS OF PREDICTABLE, CLICHED PHOTOS OF THE SHOW:

This is a booth babe. We spoke to her. We said “Can you pose with it?” and she said yes and did this. We walked away feeling 5 percent more dead inside, and 50 percent more erect. Women who do what they’re told are great.

This is the moron queue for the PlayStation3 Disappointment Adventure. People (ALL the people) were poking fun at PS3, openly mocking it’s shite games and idiotic management suits who are blind to the truth. The games are all dull sequels, as with PSP. It’s so going to be a disaster and we’ll be there to spunk on Sony’s gravestone when the bailiffs padlock the doors.

This is SEGA making PS3 look good. It feels wrong.

Some bloke with some tattoo of some game character. He’s rolled his sleeve up so everyone can see it. We can laugh now, but when we get Cream The Rabbit tattooed on next month we’ll be doing the same.

This is the obligatory picture of some fat fuck obsessing over a retro machine. We were shooting fish in a barrel out there. He’s taking a *photo* of it.

This is Nokia’s N-GAGE stand. It was always empty, which was great – if you needed to quickly walk from one place to another, you could cut through the N-GAGE bit.

Nokia spent the big bucks on some women. We didn’t speak to these ones, just pointed the camera at them and they did that hugging/smiling thing like perfectly trained sexy androids.

This fat man’s self-esteem was lowered further still by us following him, pointing and taking his photo. We ought to feel bad about that, but actually don’t! It’s another link in our chain for the afterlife, but was worth it.

Another woman, along with some men standing quite far away from her and taking photos *of* her without actually looking *at* her. That just about sums it up.

Silver The Hedgehog. Shadow was also there, but we just couldn’t look him in the eye.

The woman again. We’ve got 100s more of these, but they’re all this dull. Sorry about that. If we’re ever allowed out again after this, we’ll try harder.

This is an email we got, in its entirety. You can’t edit down genius like this.

I’m a huge Sega fan and absolutely love your site, your trip to Sega page is pretty funny and now I want a Homestar! Anyway, thought I’d show off my Sonic tattoos while I’m here so take a look at them if you’re interested.

Had the idea of having four Sonics running around my leg.

Ross

We should’ve done this. You should have done this. What a man.