Some brave retailer is taking a punt on stocking the Japanese SEGA Toys Indoor Fireworks Projector. It costs an extremely unreasonable £129.99 and is, as you might expect from a piece of SEGA-badged hardware, currently IN STOCK.

And it will remain IN STOCK until they get a new boss and he orders a clear-out of the warehouse.

Fireworks are rubbish. Sorry, but it has to be said. People who like fireworks are a bit simple. It’s like when a cat is captivated by a torch being shone on a wall.

At least you can project “Happy Birthday” to yourself on the ceiling when it’s your birthday and all you’ve got to do is look at the ceiling. And look, a picture of a cake to make up for no one bothering to even buy you a cake.

THIS WILL NOT WIN YOU OVER:
“Because you can program your own shows and vary their duration and intensity, no two displays are the same. It’s like Bonfire Night, July 4th, Bastille Day and the climax of an Iron Maiden gig all rolled into one. Better still, proper pyromaniacs can get busy designing bespoke displays with the included pens and films. We guarantee guests will be awestruck. You might even hear some occasional oohs and aaahs.

“Ideal for parties, special occasions and moments when you fancy gawping at a spectacular display without getting off the sofa, the Sega Indoors Fireworks Projector is booming well brilliant. Best of all it won’t blow up in your face. Which is nice. Phwoosh…Weeeee…BOOM!”

Man found this somewhere else on the internet. Possibly in the UKR archives, as we’ve finally given up trying to keep track of what’s out there. Brain’s finally run out of space for remembering what colour of Sonic clone was used to advertise what brand of sportswear in what country in 1997.

And why Sonic? What needs to be fast about a gherkin? Are they suggesting the [THING GHERKINS ARE MADE OUT OF, POSSIBLY CUCUMBERS] were picked really fast and pickled really fast and shipped really fast to ensure the ultimate in freshness?

“Hello. I thought you might be interested in this picture I found on the internet. It’s not THAT interesting but I thought you might want to use it if you have a ‘slow news day’ (there seems to be a lot of them) after the PS3 debacle ends. It would seem that Sonic (or his evil evil twin, judging by the extra head-spikes) is now selling pickles for Ogorki. I’m not sure why he would do that. Perhaps as a publicity stunt. Or perhaps this is, in fact, Episode 2 of the upcoming Sonic 4. I tried to think of an amusing Sonic/pickle pun but I just ate (not gherkins) so I’m tired” – Oli.

Hey kids! Have you ever wanted to see a balloon animal version of Sonic The Hedgehog? No? Well fuck you. You do what we say until you turn 18.

“I attended AOU 2010 last Saturday and I thought you might like to see where SEGA of Japan is putting its marketing money: balloon animals.”

“Also have another one of the Sonic suit without people gawking at it should you need it” – Danny.

No thanks, Danny. You have already provided more than enough. And thanks for persevering and thanks for sending in six 4.3MB photos even though we’ve only used the three.

We would’ve turned around and walked away from the venue, after being confronted with that logo.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

– The American Ornithologists’ Union

That headline comes from a half-broken translation service page here. We presume it means SEGA has thrown its last remaining money behind an EVEN BIGGER amusement arcade, presumably hoping the reason arcades are dying is because they haven’t been quite big enough previously.

“Hello, here some pictures about the new Club Sega opened… today! There are some nice faces in a picture, the red palace is cool but usually I prefer the old signs that we can see in the old closed arcades” – Shark.

Thanks, Shark. Thanks for attempting English and finding the photos.

These are the “nice faces in a picture” he mentioned.

Of course, the real reason arcades are dying is because they’re full of money-sucking pieces of shit like this. UFO catchers as far as the eye can see. More UFO catchers is not the answer.

We wouldn’t mind if they didn’t all leave the factory deliberately broken.

Remember the bizarre Sonic-themed Alton Towers business? Turns out the Sonic-branded hotel room exists, and has been designed as a chamber in which the worship of Sonic 4 takes place. It is an advert in hotel room format, basically.

Here are some slightly too dark photos, taken from Sonic Stadium and coming via the suite’s inhabitant’s Twitter thing.

Sadly the visitor didn’t report on what the in-room TV pornography options are. That’s always the first thing we check out when visiting any hotel room, even before we see what kind of free shampoos there are.

There’s another amazingly detailed gonzo report over at “Girl Gamers” in which they take millions of photos of the entire day.

They also say they were invited by SEGA. We were not invited by SEGA. Why would that be, SEGA?

Presumably we weren’t invited because the room is all new and they didn’t want it staining in any way, and didn’t want the towels being wanked into.

Or maybe we’re just out of yet another loop.

Maybe this was the photo that illustrated what kinds of in-room pornography is available?

UKR FACTS: We are sad not to have been invited to this. We would’ve bothered replying to the email and might’ve even gone. But wouldn’t have mingled with anyone else.

It looks like the manufacturer of whatever this is stole a bit of Ulala fan art off the internet, rightly assuming that only a few losers on a few gaming blogs would notice.

“I saw this in a shop today: a product with some anime girls drawn on the package to appeal to young girls, but one of them shall look familiar to you…” – Adamis.

That odd “SEGA Zone” or indeed “Zone SEGA” thing that’s been doing the rounds on the internet is literally nothing to do with SEGA – you’ve been able to buy a generic version of it in Nintendo Wii white for a long time. And eBay is flooded with the things.

You’ve even been able to buy it for £15.99 for a long time, albeit without the SEGA games. But ask yourself this question – do you really need to play Columns again? And did you ever need to play Kid Chameleon in the first place?

“It looks bloody awful but I guess this is that base unit that SEGA is attaching its name to and sticking an extra chip inside of with a few MD classics. Pathetic, really” – Tomston.

No, we haven’t gone keyword-mental and decided to turn the site into a spam blog (that’s at least three months away at current rate of mental deterioration), we’ve just been sent this amazing photograph three times in the last hour.

Which means it’s probably on Kotaku right now, or has been for the last week, but we’re too scared to look. If you are the original copyright holder of this image and would like us to link to the blog everyone who sent it to us nicked it off, please get in touch.

Even some tulips there to help it appeal to Dutch tourists, and the number “10” as a generic sporting reference. Thanks to everyone who sent this in. Also, we’re not going to be mentioning the SEGA Zone thing until some official photos arrive. Just so you know.

You can even ride bananas. You can EVEN ride bananas. You can even ride BANANAS. Don’t bother waiting for the irony to start – IT NEVER DOES.

No one mentions that you can “be the man from Shenmue”.

This is a good one. Should’ve saved it for Valentine’s Day or next Christmas. It’s Sonic eating Tails, wearing gloves because he doesn’t know where he’s been.

Thanks to Sonic Stadium and whatever a BuzzFeed is for digging it out.

It’s apparently based on this cheery number, in which a man eats his children lest they turn against him. A bit like when you deliberately kill Tails before a difficult bit in Sonic 2, so he doesn’t balls it all up for you. Happy Friday.