A reader had a dream. This is his true account.

Dear Zorg,
Last night, I had a dream.

It was a dream of a wonderful place.

It was a dream of a Sega bar, where yuppies like ourselves could unwind, surrounded in various Sega memorabilia. Like Hard Rock Cafe, but MUCH COOLER.

In this dream, I ordered a beer, which came in a pint glass with a huge picture of Sonic on. The beer was coloured blue, and contained caffeine, so you too could feel you were as fast as Sonic. Cocktails came in a variety of novelty shaped glasses, one of which was Ulala, and you could drink a suitably orange cocktail from it. There was a Dreamcast on the wall, and Daytona USA cabinets as far as the eye could see.

I was so pleased that I found this bar that I asked some tall, long haired man in a leather jacket (who, of course, in real-life would not be allowed in due to draconian dress-code rules) to take a photo on my mobile phone so I could send it to UK:R. However, on consulting my mobile phone when I awoke, I found that I had not just fallen asleep in a drunken stupor with the ability to piss a blue stream from all the Sonic beer, but had just had a dream.

This is a dream that Sega must make reality. Please look into it.

Thank you,
Chris

Has anyone else had a good dream about SEGA? Preferably involving a bit more sex than this one. Dreams are not covered by any laws. They can be about anything.

If you live in Australia, have a poor credit history, and don’t mind taking out a loan at an APR that works out at something like 428%, a Sonic-alike character has a deal for you!

“I was recently on holiday in a town a little north of Cairns, and whilst waiting in the queue at the not-so-supermarket was almost floored with horror when I spotted a severely dodgy Sonic rip-off on a free-ads kind of thing. Sorry for the shit quality but I didn’t have time to find super orgasmic settings as I was getting some dodgy ‘he might be a terrorist’ looks from the staff on the checkouts. Enjoy – Field Officer Lacey.”

Stunning. Audacious. Curved instead of spiked to avoid legal action.

SEGA made this :(

“Some friends (!) and I were at a run-down, dingy establishment in Boston, Massachusetts, by the name of Good Times Emporium. It was with some surprise that I discovered a rather expansive arcade amongst all of the whores and urine stains, and even more surprised to discover a beautiful AFTERBURNER: CLIMAX cabinet. But it was what I saw just around the corner of this cabinet that SHOCKED and SADDENED me – UNNAMED MAN.”

We can laugh, but it’s probably SEGA’s top-earner in South Korea.

You can buy toys of it from petrol stations in China.

It took over from Street Fighter II as the most common arcade machine across mainlaind Europe.

At least you win “tickets” and not “respect.”

The photo submitter didn’t say if the photos were blurry due to uncontrollable sobbing body movements or uncontrollable laughing body movements.

At least SEGA is keeping its hardware-making facilities operational. One day, they might be put to better use on, say, making 100 million Dreamcast 2s.

On happy days like this we are not too proud to link to Kotaku or even evil pro-Sony propaganda specialist MCV. It makes those puzzlingly good PSP sales so much easier to take when you know that for every small profit the handheld makes PS3 shits away a few billions.

“The large-scale investment required during the development and introductory period of a new gaming platform may not be fully recovered” – Some Worried Sony Moneyman Wondering Where The Glory Days Went, June 23, 2008.

Compiled by a man called Dolan.

“News just in: people are still IDIOTS. Don’t know if you’ve seen GAME’s Greatest Games of All Time list (chosen by the proles for the proles) but in a total not-shocking turn of events it’s predicatbly moronic with Call of Duty 4 coming out in the top spot and GTAIV hitting the number four spot, games most people would have barely spent seconds playing before voting for them. The rest of the list is mostly made up of shit people only vote for because they’re repeatedly told by others that the games are amazing.

“In response to this depressingly retarded turn of events I’ve put the list through a RIGOROUS and SCIENTIFIC process whereby I’ve removed every game that has only been out for 18 months, every game which only made it onto the list because it has already appeared on every single other “100 Greatest Games Ever” list (Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy, etc) and every football game (immediate disqualification on grounds of not really being videogames) as well as every game only played by rabid PC nerds who only ever play one game (Warcraft, Command and Conquer, Counter Strike, etc). The remaining games are, therefore UNDENIABLY the hundred greatest games of all time.

“The resulting list reads as follows:

1-20 Sonic The Hedgehog (SEGA Mega Drive)
21-40 Elite (BBC Micro)
41-60 Shenmue (SEGA Dreamcast)
61-80 Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (SEGA Mega Drive)
81-100 TimeSplitters 2 (Multiformat)

“Can’t argue with the science – Dolan.”

Thanks, Dolan.

BATH STAR! It’s by SEGA Toys. It’s a bit like our beloved Homestar, only now in a waterproof finish. You can use its light to see better while soaping yourself to a state of extreme relaxation in the bath. In the dark. It is the perfect gift.

“It appears to be the Homestar Home Planetarium, but adapted for baths!”

“Wanking while sobbing in the tub just got a whole lot more atmospheric! Not mentioning my name would be appreciated. My father has recently learned how to use Google – XXXX XXXXXXX.”

Add this to the list. Just when you think you’re out of wasting all your disposable income on SEGA-branded plastic, they pull you back in.

Here’s one you can click on. This, apparently, is of the machine in “Rose Petal mode.” It could also be “Bloody Suicide Mode.”

Alternatively, there’s the SEGA Toys AMP. A music playing piece of tat. This will be left well alone and not imported at prohibitive expense.

You’d think we’d be unemployable by now after all this, but no.

This thing about Sainsbury’s breaking. There was a tense and long-winded discussion about apostrophe placement behind the scenes.

This thing about what Peaches Geldof probably did last night.

This thing about what does not constitute a fun activity.

This thing which is just an alternate take on this thing about that thing.

This thing about, funnily enough, PS3 being shite.

This thing about a Fujitsu mobile phone, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

It doesn’t matter. No one really cares.

A keen reader who was actually *watching* Games Night noticed something strange. Something odd. Something INEXPLICABLE. The cast and very special guests (sorry, Adam) changed their socks during an advert break.

Yes. They changed their socks during an advert break. Perhaps there was a verruca outbreak?

“Having tuned in to the 30th episode of Games Night and been almost comatose by the topics of debate, my attention drifted to the all white socks lined up. Suddenly after a break the socks were swapped! Now, if they had swapped the topics or the dreary presenters… but no, let’s swap socks. Just plain weirdness. Could it have been your previous “Wii Family Sock” article that has spurred a national trend?”

“PS: Sorry for being such an anal twat about this but at least taking the pics removed me from viewing the Games Night slow motion car crash. Please feel free to ridicule me and my photos in an amusing and sarcastic way – Pez.”

Else there’d be a fierce and unruly bidding war for it.

“I was searching eBay for SEGA Saturn clothing (just call me Fonzie!), perhaps looking for a Saturn t-shirt or something. Alas I did not find one, but I did stumble across this rather sophisticated (100%) silk SEGA Saturn tie! I was debating whether or not to bid on it, but then it dawned on me that I haven’t worn a tie for 8 years, and I’m not ‘hardcore’ enough to warrant the waste of hard earned sterling on this shit. So I thought I’d share it with you, because I’m sure there’s a bedroom warrior out there who will wear this with pride – ALL MY LOVE, HERDMAN!”

Dorian Bloch from Chart-Track, who is an official enemy of UKR for reasons to do with being a big baby, told GamesIndustry MGS4 had hardly any effect on PS3 sales.

“There’s not a lot to say about it – it had minimal impact really. Units were up by seven percent.”

What’s seven percent of nothing? The calculator on this PC must be broken, as it keeps coming up as ZERO.

WHAT’S LEFT TO TURN THINGS AROUND FOR PS3?

Final Fantasy XIII (2010)

Final Fantasy XIV (2015)