The only gentlemanly way to holiday is to stay in a hotel. If you want to sleep with a girl who’s taken lots of drugs and doesn’t smell very nice, then that’s fine. We’d just rather not spend all of May, June, July and August listening to your stories about it.

“I found someone just as obsessed as you are with the little blue twat at Gatecrasher 2008. I thought i’d take a picture so you lot could have a tug or two over it or something. I have covered his face, not for sake of privacy but because he’s an ugly cunt. Bye bye – Darren.”

All those t-shirts we made and nobody liked are now going cheap. As in £6 each including postage. We are tired of having three massive cardboard boxes lying about and mocking our failure to capture the public imagination.

Buy one here. Please. The nice red ones have actually sold out in man sizes, though. Any of the others we don’t sell in the next two weeks are getting binned. Then we might make some more in time for next summer. Maybe.

Take it away industry legends Steve Boxer, Adam Doree, Ellie ‘I’d Rather Be Dead’ Gibson and other some random crazy woman. We’re guessing this little impromptu jam session was the crazy woman’s idea, as she’s enjoying it the most by quite some margin.

Introducing… Adam Doree on drums!

Sadly, we cannot work out how to embed this video. You’ll just have to go there. It’s worth making the trip for, honestly.

Also introducing… Eurogamer’s Ellie Gibson! See how she is mentally picturing how bad it’s going to be when this video goes online. Never before has a woman’s misery been so perfectly captured on film.

Clearly mental. Would not touch.

Reminiscent of Keith Moon (48 hours after his death).

?

!

It’s the EMA, which stands for Eternal, Maiden, Actualization. This is going to be winging it’s way to UKR HQ at massive expense very soon. Finally, we will be able to talk about a female as if it is an object without getting into trouble, because this one actually is an object. You can throw it around as much as you like.

“It” is 38cm tall according to a Japanese spec sheet. Full review of each of its holes coming soon. Please god let the batteries go up its arse.

Thanks to the Idiots in the Workplace Act (1979) we are employed to do the following. Every company must employ one person like us for every 15 normal members of staff. It’s a fantastic scheme – otherwise we’d be collecting trolleys from supermarket car parks as a living.

This thing which was a poor attempt at humour regarding Steve Jobs’ weight loss. We can only hope he’s been on a diet and isn’t suffering a relapse of his pancreatic cancer, as that would make it even less amusing.

This thing about (a) the state of modern dance music, (b) two things we thought had closed, (c) what makes a good holiday nowadays.

This thing about how receptionists aren’t as good as they used to be.

This thing about some Xbox 360 RPGs, because it’s been the worst week for video game news in living memory.

This thing in which we called another blog LIARS and got away with it. Mainly because, 24-hours later, it turned out they were lying. Or at least easy to trick by emailing “news” to.

This thing about how men are becoming almost entirely shed-based beings, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

The Man-photo Rule gives this batch an automatic 1/10.

We need to apologise to a man called “Damien.” Damien very kindly sent us one of these Sonic The Hedgehog watches, back in about 2005, having found it and “haggled the seller (an elderly woman obviously selling her departed/dead son’s junk) down from £1 to 50p.”

We kept his email about it, but lost the watch. Sorry Damien. Pretty much every day since then we have felt a little bit guilty about that. However, we also owned one of these watches during the mid-1990s and wore it regularly, so it wasn’t that much of an exciting discovery in the first place.

So. Sorry, Damien. Sorry it’s been three years and we lost the thing you bought and sent in. Worse still, your place in UKR history has been taken by a man called “Randy” :(

“I know you love old stuff, especially when it has a picture of Sonic on it. Well, behold, attached are two photos of a Sonic the Hedgehog watch that I either bought or won from ‘Sonic the Comic’ around 1997. It’s even started to go a bit yellow, and there was plenty of sweat to scrape off. The wheel around the clockface rotates so you can time activities, such as a speed run of Metropolis Zone or how fast you can read the UK:R archives.”

“There was a manky 377 battery inside which has tarnished the brass. But a new battery brought it back to life, despite looking worse for wear. Such quality products from Sega Enterprises – Randy.”

Jesus CHRIST. You can get a copy of F1 Championship Edition and a SIXAXIS controller TOGETHER in the same package now? Sony is SAVED. This is going to recoup those development billions over the coming weekend.

Utterly. Sensationally. Staggeringly. Poor. Sony, you ought to be embarrassed about this.

Embarrassed and genuinely ashamed. This is an insult in product form.

Triple-A solid-gold update material! Soon we’ll have blueprints of every SEGA World on the planet, along with a full set of keys, original staff rotas and payroll details.

“Thought I’d share with you some scans of some London SEGA World leaflets from 1999.”

“I’ve tried my best to keep them in good condition but sadly they have suffered some wear and tear.”

“The first one looks more of a map and the second smaller one is advertising the dodgems.”

“I don’t remember it much as I was only 9 at the time. Cheers, Sean.”

Sony’s pretend impartial publicity blog – and official enemy of UKR – Three Speech has plummeted to new lows recently, culminating in this – a “Top Trumps” update about “famous” Sony video game character Spyro. It literally cannot get any worse than this.

The only solace taken from this sort of drivel is that it is at least costing Sony money to spew out and maintain. £14 to renew the domain name is £14 less to spend on PS3 development. Every little hinders.

Sad to see you go, TS. It was moderate-at-best while it lasted. We are claiming this as a victory, by the way. A crushing victory. This tea we are drinking right now? It is not tea, it is the BLOOD of Three Speech! Expect the domain to be a list of links to Amazon in about three months time.