It’s another Sonic-themed rubbish bin. Imagine how well it would compliment the astonishing carpet. That’s what we will be imagining today. That and the usual revenge fantasies.

“He’s a little battered, but still kicking. The place I found him was spotless in terms of rubbish laying around. I think we all know why – Mengzor.”

The mask of reality slips, as Sonic wheezes home in a time of 7 hours and 26 minutes. Then sits on the pavement sobbing “NEVER AGAIN” into a tin foil blanket as blood oozes from his nipples and shoes.

Two people captured the moment for eternity. Here are their tales.

“Sonic clearly wasn’t putting much effort into his 2008 London Marathon run, otherwise he would have done it well under one hour… – Gavin.”

“Dear Sega Superstar Tennis Monthly, I was wandering around London on Marathon day, watching the sweaty people stagger by, when a banner caught my eye.”

“It seemed to be saying that Sonic would be running, which is a bit daft as he’s clearly got a massive non-human freaky genetic advantage. However, in the distance I noticed a strange blue dot that grew rapidly into Sonic.”

“My friend managed to grab a few blurry pictures as he flew by. And I figured you grow too old for this shit. I guess they made him start a couple of hours after everyone else to make it fair.”

“I also made him take pictures of this strange old man carrying a load of balloons saying kids.”

“I kind of hope that it isn’t some kind of charity based acronym but instead he’s just a very pro-active paedo. Here’s hoping – Sig.”

It was the week that GTA IV came out, so there was a lot of pretending to be done. We pretended to be excited, pretended to buy it, pretended to like it and pretended we’d rather play it than get a few more Achievements out of Ikaruga instead. It is, pretty much, A WORLD OF LIES. Including:

This thing which is a slightly embellished account of trying to find a copy of GTA IV on launch day.

This thing which is a massively embellished account of trying to find a copy of GTA IV the day after launch.

This thing about The Pirate Bay getting in on GTA IV launch fever by encouraging everyone to steal it off the internet.

This thing about Radiohead which still doesn’t make much sense.

This thing about ridiculously fashionable youths standing in the vicinity of scooters, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

It’s either carry on doing this or retrain and get a job as an IT support manager for a bank. Might as well stick with this.

Keen reader and occasional contributor “Chris” has spotted GLARING and UNDENIABLE similarities between artwork designed to promote SEGA’s 1995 Game Gear game Sonic Drift 2 and Nintendo’s 2008 game Mario Kart Wii.

Given the 13 year gap, it is clear that one company is copying the other.

To the left – Mario Kart Wii. To the right, Sonic Drift 2. Another case of Nintendo using SEGA to line its own FILTHY POCKETS.

THE ORIGINAL DISCOVERER WRITES…
“Been doing a bit of browsing through the archives (ie my SEGA art wank bank) and have noticed that the new art promoting Mario Kart Wii is clearly a rip-off of the artwork promoting Sonic Drift 2 back in the day. I have attached both images for easy comparison.

“Now, I’m no artist, but it’s clear that the perspective is similar (albeit slightly more raised in the Sonic one, clearly suggesting a position of dominance over Mario’s effort), each game’s main character is in the lead, there are all sorts of dopey fuckers trying to catch up in each, and both generally evoke chaos in a manner that neither game could ever hope to realistically convey.

“Naturally, the Sonic one looks better because 2D art is always better than 3D art, and because Metal Sonic is clearly trying to rape Amy Rose by drilling a hole through the front of his car and the back of hers, and by forcing his extending metallic cock through both holes and directly into her ring-piece. And clearly, judging by her face, she’s none the wiser. She will be soon when the blood starts flowing.

“Anyway, I hope this makes it clear that Nintendo clearly owes SEGA some sort of money or, at the very least, a loan of Shigsy for a while so he can make Shenmue 3, complete with Animal Crossing toys in the capsule machines.”

Some bragging little SHIT has the lot of them. We’ve requested scans of each page, but haven’t heard back yet. So he’s either doing it and tied up for a few weeks, or just can’t really be bothered – which is entirely understandable.

“If you have just gotten over the greatness of Where’s Sonic, you may just be about to crap your pants again. Please find attached an image of my collection of the series of Sonic books. In addition to Where’s Sonic, here are Adventure Gamebook 1, 2, 3 and 4, Puzzle Book 1 and 2 and The Sonic Joke Book. Right now you may feel the need to hear the Sonic related jokes, but for the most part these are just terrible jokes with very little to do with Sonic… so I guess you might want scans.

DAMN SHITTING RIGHT WE WANT SCANS
Or high-resolution digital photos. Or the original proofs from Ladybird Publishing.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Sony fanboys have been desperate for a ‘technical edge’ to boast about since the PS3 launch and IGN’s review of GTA IV was it. Briefly. Unfortunately, the “subtle, soft warmth” of the PS3 version turns out to be the SHOCKING revelation that the game only runs in 640p and can’t even manage any anti-aliasing. That means it is doing close to 30 percent less work just to maintain its lower-than-the-360-version-framerate. Cue lots of forum comments from PS3 owners along the lines of “Oh, well I prefer the soft, hazy, blurry look anyway” etc. Now you know why all the publicity shots were from the 360 version. Next.

Cheap? Check! Plastic? Check! For kids? Check! A sign of bygone days when it was Sonic and SONIC ALONE that ruled the world of video game merchandise? CHECK! It’s the Sonic The Hedgehog… Spinning Battle Thing!

“I was rummaging through some old stuff and came across this classic Sonic toy. I’m not exactly sure what it’s called, but it’s like a miniature Sonic fighting game.”

“Basically you had to insert the models inside the spinners, and twist them up. Then you’d close the case, and press the button on the side of the spinner to spin them into the ring. First one to be knocked down loses.”

“An awesome toy, it’s been played to death; the Robotnik spinner broke :(“

“Well, just thought you might be interested! Thanks, Mike.”

Thanks, Mike. It’s certainly something to do an update about on a day like today. Even the blurry photos will do.

This is one of those updates where we have caved in under massive public demand. Everyone thinks we should “do something” about the HD remake of Sonic 2, so here it is.

Some kids on the internet are remaking Sonic 2 in HD. This is what it looks like:

Looks OK, innit?

We don’t want to go “poo-pooing” anyone’s hard work or anything, but the chances of this reaching any sort of meaningful conclusion are rather remote. It’s one thing drawing up some pretty sprites and having everyone on the internet go “Wow!” over them, but sooner or later someone’s going to get lumbered with recreating all of Oil Ocean Zone. Then it’s not going to seem like such a jolly laugh.

Still, we’ve been maintaining a SEGA-based folly for 12 years now, so aren’t really in any position to go handing out advice.

Well done. As if a PDF “magazine” about PlayStation3 wasn’t a bad enough idea already, PDF “magazine” PS3Zine has just told its readers to not bother getting Grand Theft Auto IV on PS3.

Because, and we quote, “You’d be better off buying it on 360” due to it being cheaper and better.

Evidence of the sound advice to (and we paraphrase a little) AVOID PS3 LIKE MCVITIE’S PLAGUE HOBNOBS, can be found here – should you be one of the three people in the world with the patience to bother with PDF “magazines.”

Well done. Good effort. We will ensure you are rewarded with a prominent role within the New World Order once we have assumed control.

It’s happy 21st weekly birthday to everyone’s most-ignored regular UKR feature! To celebrate, we have instead decided to pick out the very worst updates out of the dismal array of tat we have broadcast via “the network” this week. It’s bad enough to have the internet police busting the front door down at 4.00am, dragging us to the station in our underpants and forcing the un-publishing of the below articles at gunpoint.

This thing about the GTA IV Activity Book, because, although being genuinely excited about GTA IV, there’s still some subconscious need inside us to appear above it all and uncaring.

This thing about exciting innovations in the world of ‘walking’.

This thing which is a relatively good shot at appearing enthusiastic about Unreal Tournament III, even though it would appear to be one of the most boring video games yet created.

This thing about Bulgarians not having the internet.

This thing about the LG ‘Black Addict’ washing machine launch, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

This week constituted the “second strike” – one more set this bad and it’ll be back to the Cornish dole office. 2/10.