“…once the clitoris has been located, shoot at it — but remember to also stimulate other areas with bombs.”

“If you have a ‘multiple’ try gently dragging it along the surface of the skin for an extra delicious sensation when she’s ready to explode.”

Gradius Portable!

ENSIGN TEELA: I found photos from this concert that happened last November where they performed remixes of all the Sonic Rush music with costumes. The Japanese says “Sonic Rush Jack,” which could be interpreted as “Sonic Rush Jacques” and we could make a joke about Sonic music.

COMMANDER ZORG: That’s absolute shit. Get out. Everyone’s right about you.

ENSIGN TEELA: But wait, look. It looks like that bloke’s sucking Sonic’s cock.

COMMANDER ZORG: Hmmm…

Yes they are! Starting from today! Starting from the day Monkey Ball Mini Golf comes out for mobile phone:

Monkeys — check! Pretty clouds — check! Checkpoints — check. Bananas — CHECKITY-CHECK MOTHERFUCKER!

The game’s site has an extremely unnecessary PDF manual explaining how to play it. The main thing is it involves having a certain number of bananas.

Each time you collect a thing, you get another of a different thing. This is how games are supposed to work! Only Sega understands this properly. Sega is the last survivor from the Golden Age. If Sega dies, this knowledge will die with it and games will only ever be about running drugs for the mafia and smoking crack in hotel rooms with prostitutes.

Points! You play to accumulate “points”. Younger readers might like to know that “points” is what “respect” used to be called in the old days.

Each course has an objective. Your objective is measured in bananas. Your objective is MEASURED IN BANANAS! We measure everything in bananas. We’re 34 bananas tall, weigh 1,050 bananas and our penis is 0.7 of a banana.

IT’S ONLY THREE QUID FROM HERE AND IS SORT OF BY SEGA SO CAN’T BE THAT BAD EVEN THOUGH IT’S FOR A PHONE:
Monkey Ball Mini Golf – iFone

We’ve made two UKR t-shirts you can buy in our new shop. One’s about loving Sega, the other’s a bit more vague and sort of a joke about ‘gang culture’:

We’ve made 100 of each, about 40 medium, 30 large and 30 “American” (XL). We even made ten “Gang Member” ones in a girl’s size for girls! We’ll be taking those to the grave, but it was fun making a “product”.

ABOUT THE SHIRTS
They’re printed on needlessly expensive American Apparel shirts, because we didn’t want to do any cheap, ill-fitting crap. The AA tees are nice and a bit fitted so they don’t go all stretched and baggy. The designs are screen printed so will last.

They’re 15.99 MIGHTY ENGLISH POUNDS each. Postage is 1.99, or 2.49 if you buy two or more. Oh, and buy them here. You can pay by Paypal or using a credit card, and you don’t need to sign up for a Paypal account. Hope you like them! (please like them, we’ve got two-fucking-hundred).

OUR OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE:
Both UKR t-shirts are also ideal for mopping up tears or blood.

We can’t compete with this kind of thing any more, not since realising the futility of collecting things you’ll throw away the next time you move house, or sell for a bit less than they cost.

Here’s Simon’s amazing piles of stuff and his email about it all:

Hi UKR,

Just to let you know that I have the best collection of anyone that reads your site. These pictures are saved on my site so you can just click them to see them proper. Also before my head gets so big it explodes, I have new things that are not pictured. These are: Sega Action chair, Twin Dreamcast Arcade sticks and about 40 more games!

Just thought I would do this to piss people off! Well I’m off to play The New Zealand Story on my coin-op. BYE!

Simon S,
Essex

PHOTOS OF SIMON’S BEST COLLECTION:

He knows a lot about games, but is MASSIVELY NAIVE when it comes to carpet and furniture.

His house must smell like a mouldy instruction manual.

All those games @ 40 pounds each originally = *SAD FACE*

Ah, but we’ve got an Xbox and a PS2 and a DS, plus one of those adaptors that lets you use a PS2 controller on your PC.

Running out of interesting things, but still not half bad.

Well he sent it to us so we presume he doesn’t mind. Well done!

Too old.

Too young.

Too dead.

American.

Soiled.

RIDDLED with MOROLIAN SPACE CLAP.

Young + rich + famous + popular + A REAL WOMAN = no point even thinking about it.

Looks like the newly-gorgeous Lara has it, then; and she’s only a “Would but only up the arse to get her back for killing the Saturn.”

Oh God, what time’s Bargain Hunt on?

A lot of (four or five) people have said that they “Don’t get” the pictures of Princess Rinko we’ve been posting. Allow us to elucidate.

This is Princess Rinko. She is a girl (those things on the front of her chest are called “TITS”). She is employed by Sega to pretend to be a pretty space princess like Ulala who loves Sega.

If you like men instead, that’s fine – you can tell us. If you really hate Sega, only bought an Xbox when you saw it on the news and only read this site as an ironic pose then you can tell us. However, please stop saying that you “Don’t get” pictures of pretty women and that they’re “Not funny.”

There is nothing to get.

There is no “Running joke.”

We’re not an ironic news site that pretends to like or hate things for comedy effect. we really do just love Sega things and looking at pretty girls. We hope you do too.

If the pretty girls in question are pretending to do things that allow us to consider that maybe they like Sega as much as us, then that’s just even better.

Everyone’s a winner at the Sega Casino!

Cheapest turnips, 500 bells per apple guaranteed payout.

…but that’s a good thing, because we shat ours when we saw the new year Sega has lined up for us! Sega Rally 2006 out next week, followed in February by Phantasy Star Universe and Sonic Riders! It’s almost as if they were trying to hastily pat down the Shadow-The-Hedgehog-shaped lump in the carpet.

A very Sega New Year to all our readers, and here’s a QUADRUPLE the Princess Rinko for your money. The two costumes in the middle are from some game for girls which has no joystick, just a slot to put cards in that represent pretty clothes and jewellery. It also has just one big button in the middle of the cabinet, so even your girlfriend can play it (if you read her the instructions first).

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “Even at the beginning of 2005 we were still writing things about Dreamcast! How sweet. We didn’t use this at the time because it seemed a bit like re-treading old ground, but still. It makes a good point.

This is the last rejected idea. We’ve got loads more rubbish ones we never used, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. A Dreamcast update seems a good way to end it all (we mean the series of updates, not our lives).”

OUR DREAMCAST IS STILL OUT!
Look, it’s there, right next to the PC so we can use it with the VGA Box. Scroll down to look, then scroll back up again, it’s important to read this in order.

All our other games machines had a fair run. A few years at the top, then a happy ending when they were spent and out-classed — EXCEPT DREAMCAST! It should still be on sale today. It should be, like, 89.99 with a copy of Metropolis Street Racer 2 and 79.99 for a standalone system. It just ISN’T FAIR!

COMMODORE 64, 1984-1992
A sensational eight years “out” for the C64, and it only got put away because it broke and we were 19 and starting to think that the reason girls hadn’t had sex with us yet was because of the computer games obsession thing. It wasn’t, but that’s a whole other update.

MEGA DRIVE, 1992-1997
Five years “out” for Sega’s hardware masterpiece. It got put away for the next Sega console, and because it was starting to take up too much room because of all the add-ons. That’s how it’s SUPPOSED TO WORK :(

SEGA SATURN, 1995-1999
The old Saturn was a failure, but still home to at least eight of the best video games of all-time. When it died we put it away for three reasons; (1) Because it died a brave death fighting Sony (it KNEW it would die yet STILL fought on) and deserved a proper burial. (2) We’d just spent £340 on an imported Dreamcast that was going to make Sega great again, and (3) Ian, who we were sharing a flat with at the time, only had one SCART socket on his TV.

DREAMCAST, 1999-20??
It’s STILL OUT! Where’s the CLOSURE? It had better games than PS2. We can say that now looking back in cold-hearted hindsight. Jesus, it STILL DOES. The mighty Ikaruga came out when PS2 could only offer us Need for Speed Underground.

It’s like an old, sick dog that can only lie on the floor and poo and wee on itself, but we JUST CAN’T PUT ROVER TO SLEEP. Is your Dreamcast also still out? If so, send us a photograph of it. We can probably be friends.