WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “More unfocused rage about mobile phone games, in this case — Tomb Raider. It was never used, because, well, it’s just a bit angry and not very amusing. We don’t want people to think we’re the ‘RamRaider’!”

WHY ARE GAMES GETTING WORSE?
Look at this. This is what today’s kids think games are like thanks to rubbish mobile phone cash-ins. As if Tomb Raider wasn’t bad enough, it’s now smaller, 2D, and the only things you can do in it are walk, run, jump, climb and shoot.

The press release points that out like it’s a FEATURE: “In Tomb Raider: Quest for Cinnabar, which is the second game in the planned trilogy, players guide Lara Croft in her exciting adventure to recover the priceless vase containing Cinnabar in Tibet, by making her run, jump, climb, shoot, while avoiding traps, obstacles and enemies.”

Obviously it’s unplayable, because everything is on a phone, which means the other thing you can do is DIE ALL THE TIME because you can’t control anything with a device THAT’S PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TELEPHONING PEOPLE. Anyway, we just wanted to say that Tomb Raider: Quest for Cinnabar looks rubbish and show you a picture of it so you believe us.

It’ll be a collection of generic 2D levels that you will stumble through in an unsatisfactory trial and error manner. See? This illustrates how easy it is to review games without playing them. 1/10.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “We HATE mobile phone games! All of them! Even the Sega ones! They don’t ever work and are never fun. So we wrote this about mobile phone Quake, then didn’t use it because it only works on one not very good level.”

BONUS FACT: These fake screenshot things we did for a while last year nearly got printed in Maxim. But they decided not to use them in the end. That was a shame.

MOBILE PHONE QUAKE — REVIEWED
It’s a mobile phone game, so it’s obviously rubbish and doesn’t work properly on a stupid phone keypad. 1/5.

And people moaned about having to play Quake III on a Dreamcast pad. Mobile games are as satisfying as a low fat vegetarian starter, and we’d rather be “Happy Slapped” to death on a bus by a gang of 12-year-olds with penknifes than play one.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “Someone complained about that old retro-gaming thing we did. He was a madman. We wound him up for a bit, but soon got bored. This is what happened.”

A BELATED COMPLAINT ABOUT RETRO GAMING

Hi,

I was surfing the net looking for something,
when somehow , someway, I got the link
to your retor gameing bashing page..

Hmmmm…

You seriously suck ass.. you either have severe
mental defects in your brain..or just a
whiney punk… or you could be both..

I am 34 years old..and I started my gameing..
carrer a long time ago..

the first comptuter game I ever played was
ghostbusters.on the commnodore 64..

I am a huge modern game fan..I have a playstation
2…just bough revenge of the sith..fat game.. I own
about 50 playstation 2 games..and Have a really
fat modern pc..with a nivdia card.. was just playing
awhile ago prince of persia 2 warrior within..

Sure the playstation 2 has super grahics..
and super this and super that..but 95% of
the time..when I beat a playstation 2 game..
I NEVER play it again..I usually keep the
game though, cause I am a collector.and I can’t
see trading something in..and getting 10$ for
it when u paid 60$ for it when IT came out..

as for my older games..that I collect on my
various emulator the older the game..the more
I can play again and again..versuse the ps2..
one time play only.

the comments you made on your web site
uk internationl are just ignorant and dumb..

All Modern things owe a debt to the past..
modern games.. know they owe a debt to
the past..what are u fuking blind..
Grand theft auto..vice city..had a commodre 64
boot screen..to pay hompage to that great machine

the sid chip devolped on the c-64 was considered
one the biggest breakthrough..for sound
technolgoy on the computer..

All things new owe a debt to the past..
Soundgarden, Alice in Chains.., PUddle of Mud
all those new bands..owe a debt to Black Sabbath..
Led Zeppelin, rolling stones and other bands that
pionnered that type of sound in the 60’s and 70’s..
and the artist of that period.owe a debt
to orginal blues recording of Robert johnson
and others..in the 1930’s and 1940’s.

Your Theory that only new stuff is good
is stupid and has no logic..you must
a very assholey like personallity..I can tell
just by reading your comments on your web page..

All modern martials artist..owe a debt to the
styles of fighting that have developed over
1,000 years..

I see you are big fan of fighting games..but
have no concept of what martials arts
is all about..it’s about respect
(for the past), and present, discpline..and harmony
wtih your chi..

I can tell by your comments that you have
a reallly low weak chi level..especially in
the brain department..

well probably none of what I said..is going
to change your mind, or the way u think.
most jerks..are just jerks..and will always be
that..

-Retro Gamer..

WE REPLIED, SAYING WE WERE 18 YEARS OLD.

I figured you were young..

just from the comments on your web site..

umm.. from the way you talk.. you are
from england??

what does innit, mad and blood mean??

I mean besides blood being the red blood
in your body..

No, not all the graphics..were green..

that was on the apple IIe..

I didn’t own an apple, I had commodore 64…

ever play grand theft auto vice city??
that boot up screen in the begining is a commodore
64 boot screen..from way back in the day..

well I am currently living in massachusetts, usa
live in a small town 30 miles south of boston.

I’m 34, I do non linear video editing, on the
computer,
web site design, and custom computer graphics,

Hey I learned a lot of my computer skills on
those old..machines..and have served me well..
I make anywhere from 50 – 125$ an hour..

I picked up most of my comptuer skills on
the amiga.. I have a killer non linear editor
run on one of those old machiens you are
bashing…here’ s a pic of my Old school
editor workstation..I still use it this day for work
adn some fun stuff.

Don’t get me wrong I am not super rich..

I just don’t work very much for my money,
leaves me lots of spare time..to pursue my
hobbies..retro gameing, martial arts.. and
bikeing..(mountain..not motorocycle..),chess,
and new games..revenge of sith for ps2
is off the hook defeintlay worth the 50$, waiting for
resident evil 4..damnnit.they only released it on the
game cube..but a playstation 2 port is coming by
the end of the year..

-Don

hey this will crack you up..

I can remeber when the internet was text!!!!
no graphics…

umm you were like not born yet..

well tell me a litlte bit about yourself..
if you want too..

take it easy..

sorry I went so postal on you in that
first e-mail..postal is an american
term for going like spaz.. but your
web site..really is un cool..

-Don

WE REPLIED, SAYING GTA WAS “BEST” AND OLD GAMES WERE RUBBISH BECAUSE THEY TOOK A WHOLE DAY TO LOAD

Your not getting the point..

the people who made grand theft auto vice
city put a commodore 64 load screen on
the begining of the game to pay homage
to that great old machine…Do u have a vice
city??? or played it..it has a brief blue screen..
in the beging..that rockstar put in there
on purpose..these are people that make
your brand new spanky graphcis..games
obivously they know that they owe everyting
that they are doing today, becasue of the
advancment of older technology in the past
20 years..the c-64 is one of the machines
that u blatantly bash on your website..

I bet a lot of programmers at rockstar must
at one time started there coding on c-64’s..

With the new emulators today..the old games
load 1500% to 2000% faster..what used
to take 5 minutes to load when I was 10 years
old now loads..in 5 seconds..

They also even look a little better.than
they did back then..becasue the computer
monitors of today..are of higher resoultion
than they were back then..

The younger generation of today..just don’t
have any patience or respect..
obivsouly from the comments on your
website.. I mean some of it is not your
fault..you were just born in the generation
of super fast computers..and ps2 and xbox
and such..and those are you expectations..

When I was growing up.. My 1st computer
didn’t even have a disk drive or a hard drive..
The first setup I had was a tape deck..data
drive.. I had to put the cassette in hit play
and 60 minutes later the program wouldd
be loaded into the computer..

I love new games..and am really good at them..
I would love to play you in Tekken 4..and pound
the bejesus out of you..just to show you a thing
or two..

I just don’t understand your hatred of old games..
it’s just..i don’t know..mind boggling and
disrespectful..

I mean..do u think the same thing..
of a 1972 corvette sting ray??

Yeah new games are better looking..
but with all that fancy graphics..and sound
something has been really lost in the translation
of developing of games..

You know , now a days..there is a big push..
of modern programmers who are making
games in the old school style..like they used
to be made..just to bring back the genere..

but I still state 95% of my playstatin 2 games
Once I beat them once, that’s it I don’t play it
again..I put it on the shelf.. Old games. U can
play those over and over again..

You just grew up in a diffeernet world
then the one my generatrion grew up..

Your just not getting the point..everyting
in the future owes a debt to the past..
this applies to many many things..

Martial arts.. moderen game technology..
music..etc..

-Don

p.s. u never answerd my question on
what does innit? blood and mad mean??

are u from englad? is the UK england??

must been napping during my world history
class..

THIS IS THE PHOTO DONALD SENT US OF HIS ‘SET UP’:

There has been no further contact.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “Just a bit rubbish. There’ll be another one along in a minute.”

HOW VIDEO GAME DEVELOPMENT HAS PROGRESSED OVER THE LAST 20 YEARS
Like everything else, it’s now almost entirely about bald men in rooms looking at PowerPoint slides presented by Asian businessmen.

(fig a) Progress in the video game industry. Note serious use of word “penetrating”. If you can’t use the word “penetrating” without laughing a bit, this is not the career path for you.

MORE INTERESTING CAREERS THAN WORKING IN VIDEO GAME DEVELOPMENT THESE DAYS:

Being the man who stands in the toilet at posh pubs handing out paper towels.

Checking that the paper clips are OK.

Lint Inspector.

Deputy Carpet Examiner.

Being the woman who folds the boxes shut on the production line.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “We took a photo of the Gizmondo section in HMV. Then we couldn’t think of anything funny to say about it. It’s that simple.”

GIZMONDO’S GOT FIFA ON IT, INNIT
Yeah, this will save poor little Gizmondo. OR… this is like SEGA saying today that it’s done a deal to put Wayne Gretsky Hockey 2002 on Dreamcast and expecting everyone to start buying it all of a sudden.

Or is this just more proof that Gizmondo’s an elaborate hoax?

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “From July, when Miss Sharapova was announced as the star of Virtua Tennis World Tour on PSP. It was the usual excuse to stick up pictures of her and her lovely bits, but it didn’t turn out that… funny.”

LEGITIMATE NEWS ABOUT MARIA SHARAPOVA
She’s OFFICIALLY in PSP Virtua Tennis World Tour. Now we can upload EVERY PICTURE OF MARIA SHARAPOVA ON THE WHOLE INTERNET to celebrate, along with exclusive first impressions about how various bits of Maria might appear in the game.

THIS IS HER ARSE FROM REALLY CLOSE (this same arse will appear in Virtua Tennis, although we imagine it’ll be a bit less rounded. ARSE SCORE: 9/10):

THESE ARE HER SWEATY TITS (they might look a bit like this in PSP Virtua Tennis World Tour thanks to the power of Sony’s PSP! TITS SCORE: 8/10):

SHE HAS WIDE SHOULDERS LIKE A MODEL (She is strong, so you’ll only need to press the button quickly to do a powerful shot, probably. SHOULDERS SCORE: 8/10):

SHE HAS LONG THIN LEGS LIKE A MODEL AND VERY SEXY FEET (Her legs are bound to be included in PSP Virtua Tennis, otherwise she’d be at a distinct disadvantage to other players. LEG SCORE: 8/10):

THIS IS HER HAIR (You won’t be able to spunk in it, which is sadly what also happens in real life. HAIR SCORE: 6/10):

So there you have it! Proof of… of… nothing. We had fun finding the photos, that’s all that counts.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “Ensign Teela steps up to the keyboard again, with the obvious train of thought being: I FOUND SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET > I SHALL DO AN UPDATE ABOUT IT. He’s not going to be happy when he sees this, but we’ll tell him at least it went on the ‘main page’ eventually so he should be pleased.”

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ “AMAZON WISH LISTS” ANY MORE?

…because if so, can we have this one?

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “Something we got sent. The problem with doing updates with stuff you get emailed is you don’t know where the person sending you got it from. If he’s just stolen the images off Engadget, then we’ll look all shit and amateur. If you’re going to email us stuff for use in updates, always say where you got it from, and preferably send us something you’ve ‘done yourself’.”

PSP DEVELOPMENTS — SOME SEGA FANS STILL ALIVE
This is some kind of weird kit that some UNSTABLE LUNATIC has made to make Master System controllers work on Sony’s beautifully hackable PSP.

Oh, and there’s also a Dreamcast VMU emulator for PSP here [LINK HAS DIED SINCE UPDATE WAS WRITTEN], made by some GERMAN men that have just catapulted themselves into the internet’s Top Ten list of Hardcorest Ultra Geeks by making it. Sega fans don’t ever die, they just start existing in a really weird bubble on the internet where Sega still RULEZ.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “This was a joke about getting bored of seeing the Frag Dolls everywhere, because they WERE EVERYWHERE. Fortunately, we realised that moaning about the Frag Dolls being everywhere via an update about the Frag Dolls would’ve only further exposed the world to the Frag Dolls and made it worse.

Also, the red lettering was, perhaps, a bit… harsh. We need to start being nicer to girls to avoid that ‘dying alone’ thing.”

HOW LONG UNTIL WE GET BORED OF HEARING ABOUT THE UK FRAG DOLLS?
About another 15 minutes.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “This was a joke about… something… that Ensign Teela did around the anniversary of John Lennon’s death. He even said “It’s not very funny” when saying he’d done it. That’s a bad sign.”

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN JOHN LENNON DIED?

Playing Harrier Attack*. We were going REALLY BLOODY FAST too, not like the pussy in this screenshot. We would also have been holding the 0 button down and flying straight into the aircraft carrier, blasting a tunnel straight through it and leaving its top half comically floating in mid-air.

*Not really. It was a lie. Harrier Attack didn’t even come out until 1983. We were just trying to cheer everyone up.