If you happen to be in Bristol, you may break down in tears in public for reasons other than having to be in Bristol.

FROM HENRY: “There’s a shop in Bristol called Mr Tomato. It reminded me of the Tomato Shop in Shenmue, only without the fantastic music and prize draw whenever you buy anything. I wish my life was more interesting than this. I took photos on two separate occasions. Cheers – Henry.”

Sadly we have no photos of the interior. Here’s what it looked like in Shenmue.

TOMORROW: Someone’s local SPAR that is relevant to UKR because they used to sell the Sonic comic.

Why is it acceptable for DS developers to literally copy Nintendo’s games? The clip-art based Animal Paradise web site is shameful enough – then the screenshots bring it down to a whole new, previously un-plumbed level of banality:

This isn’t just a bit like Nintendogs. It actually is Nintendogs. We can only hope all involved in the creation of this product walk with their heads bowed and tears welling up inside BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY HAVE DONE.

We did some research for once! It’s a Japanese game called Hana Deka Club, which licenses the work of Japanese photographer Yoneo Morita and has applied it to a Nintendogs clone. This doesn’t make its existence any less reprehensible.

SEGA’s remaking the original Saturn NiGHTS for PS2. We might as well have not bothered with the last ten years. Here is a poor quality photo of it stolen from Gaming-Age.

The photo-taker did well to stop any tears dripping onto the paper.

What next? A SNES version of Sonic? SEGA Rally for the PlaySta… :(

One chaotic photoshoot, five models and some knee-length boots is all it takes to win our undying loyalty for the next decade.

They’re suspiciously well padded ‘downstairs’ – which suggests taped-up male genitalia could be lurking beneath those nappy-like pants. We are seeking clarification from Capcom over the issue at this very moment, before any ‘christening’ of the photo takes place.

And no, as far as Sony is concerned, it isn’t BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS – the bumbling corporation has been conducting a survey into why people aren’t buying the overpriced disaster machine of no games.

C. Have no plans.

F. It’s a right pile of fu

A few helping words of advice for Sony, learned from our 26 years of operating on the lower rungs of the video game industry ladder.

A secondhand PSP, half an hour of paying attention to hacking guides, and a broadband connection – instant free games for ever.

Please do not hesitate to get back in touch should further advice be required.

We’re okay with you doing this sort of thing, as long as all the profits it makes are reinvested in starting up the hardware division again.

It probably adds lots of new things to the memory game genre. 8/10.

But when Ubisoft does it, it is WRONG.

And when Majesco does it, it is also WRONG.

Especially when there’s more than one.

And when Agetec does it, it is also WRONG.

And when Natsume does it, it is also WRONG.

And when 505 Games does it, it is also WRONG.

Especially when there’s more than one.

Especially when there’s more than two.

Especially when there’s more than three.

We punched in. We blogged. We punched out again. These are the updates created for elsewhere that met the minimum required standard for publication this week.

This thing about the world’s fastest lift, which reveals personal details about our deprived upbringing in the woods.

This thing about the Ninja Gaiden 2 box, because it was late and we hadn’t done very much work that day so thought it would be a good idea to knock a quick one out before home time.

This thing about an angry dad suing Microsoft and putting Linux on your PC as revenge.

This thing about HD DVD sales which features the world’s most unnecessary bit of PS3 bashing.

This thing about a really big printer, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

This week’s updates were slightly better than last week’s batch, but still not enough to break through the psychological 6/10 barrier.

Only it looks like a Gizmondo-style exercise in a few company bosses chucking venture capital around for their own amusement. Here, they hired a couple of medium-class hookers on the pretence of shooting a promotional video:

We’re supposed to be excited about this Brazilian portable Mega Drive emulator, but we are not. There is nothing particularly evocative or prestigious about the “Tectoy” brand. It is not steeped in history. We did not spend ten years in a bedroom entranced by Tectoy productions.

Tectoy can, to be blunt, stick its licensed, recycled rubbish up its own arse.

Also, we have HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH of paying for Golden fucking Axe on various retro compilations. And that type of blue plastic always breaks in minutes. If you want to do this sort of thing, hack a PSP. Free Mega Drive games for ever and a powerful sense of rebellion against The Man.

The gist of all the below is that the PS3 web browser crashes when trying to load Richard Jacques’ MySpace page. Can people submitting update ideas please try to get the point across in one or two lines in future?

No one’s ever going to read all of this:

We have no option but to take their word for it when they say this is what happenes when you look at Richard’s MySpace page on a PS3. Here is the story…

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A FOOL AND A PLAYSTATION…
Me and my ill educated friend enjoy reading your site and often read through your archives together. My ill educated friend is so ill educated that he bought a PS3 shortly after its release, and is incapable of reading things that should make him feel degraded for doing so. Anyway, he reads the site, ironically, on his PS3, and the other day he clicked the link you gave to Richard’s MySpace.

To our surprise the PS3 failed to load the page! The error said “there wasn’t enough memory” which isn’t a surprise as the console is shit and only has 256MB of ram, not even enough to run Photoshop CS2. Which it can’t do anyway as Sony’s “home computer” thing doesn’t allow you to install things. What is a surprise is that this only happens on Jacques’ MySpace page. Other MySpace pages of lesser people work fine, but Richard’s will not load and crashes the browser. This is surely a sick joke from Sony. I guess they have a problem with the genius himself, and SEGA, and are just intolerant of better companies. But hey, this is expected of Sony. I hate them as much as you do. The enclosed photos are pretty poor, especially the last one, but you get the idea. Sorry if having to see something on a PS3 burns your eye sockets but we all have a job to do.

Sony has clearly caught us sleeping in this war. Now is the time to retaliate!

From Adam in Durham

PS. Warhawk is now out on PS3 for download / purchase in stores, has no single player (online exclusive) and despite being a fairly good effort at a PS3 exclusive game plus being an alright price of 20 quid, it is impossible to get into a match. Create your own and the max players is four. I wonder when Sony will learn that making something online exclusive doesn’t mean it’s better, it just means that the only people that can “enjoy” it are persistent fat Americans. The end had better be nigh…