It’s the Hip-Hop Gaming League! The HHGL has even got Snoop Dogg involved, getting him to quite awkwardly read out some scripted lumps of dialogue about “playas” and “mo playas” coming together on Xbox Live.

You should check out the movie, it makes this look good.

This is the HHGL’s fictional representation of the video games media. This is quite possibly the most wrong thing we’ve ever seen. For a start, there’s girls there and no one is morbidly obese and avoiding eye contact by staring at their notepads.

E3 isn’t really like this at all. In fact, you could describe it as the “polar opposite”.

Is she the new staff writer on teamxbox.com, or a hired actress?

If we were being cynical, we might suggest it’s all just a marketing circle-wank organised by companies with too much money to spend on targeting imaginary demographics.

Next week is “Sprite Draft Week”.

The entire video disaster can be seen here. We sort of stole this link from Spong, but only because they said we should “do something on it”.

And to think it used to be such a bustling hive of activity when it opened less than a year ago.

At least the management paid themselves several million dollars, so everything turned out OK! Thanks to OFFICIAL UKR SEGA SCOUT Tomleecee for the photo. It’s a good pic and it’s nice that the binman is in front of it. Adds depth and colour, that.

We’ve got this thing running, which is a “wiki” you can edit with all your sightings of Sony’s AMAZING and BARE-FACED LIES about PlayStation3. Like, for example, the one from just today about it coming out in “Spring 2006” which, roughly speaking, is between four and 12 weeks away. It beggars belief, it really does, so let’s keep a record of it all for future generations.

Simply go here and add any PS3 lies you’ve spotted Sony making in public, remembering to add some sort of “source” link for future reference.

Hopefully some of you are clever developers that can fill us in on the complicated lies to do with “memory” and “processors” and things. We’ll look after the release date.

It’s a bit of a rubbish-looking page, but that’s because we don’t understand how wikis work and had to get someone else to make a free one on our behalf.

IN OTHER HOUSE-KEEPING NEWS:

THIS is a link to our MySpace thing, featuring fictional example friend “Tom”. Watch it stagnate and eventually expire.

THIS is an Animal Crossing Wild World forum someone else set up. Watch it stagnate and eventually expire.

Permanent links to these have been added somewhere down to the right in that messy bit no one bothers looking at.

Let’s have a look at the mood-swingometer for an accurate reading.

SONIC RUSH = PLUS 100 POINTS!

ANIMAL CROSSING = PLUS 100 POINTS!

SUDDEN TREND FOR SUPERHEROES THAT GET THEIR POWERS FROM MOBILE PHONES = SCRUB EVERY INCH OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY WITH BLEACH AND FIRE

…and if this shit spreads past the Pacific rim, we’re talking orbital bombardment.

And the answer is ‘not yet’ and ‘it’s down to Microsoft’. Scroll down for the question. This took ages to type up so we’re going to force you to bloody read it all.

SUMO DIGITAL, A.K.A. AM2-UK
The MIGHTY Sumo Digital of UK-based OutRun2-programming fame granted us — stupid, rubbish us! — an interview about OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast on PSP, Xbox, PS2 and PC. So we thought up some questions and sent them off, which is how proper web sites like IGN and Gamespot work.

Proper web sites also place grabs between large chunks of text so the feature looks nicer.

Here’s what we asked, followed immediately by what Sumo’s OutRun 2006 producer Steven Lycett (AKA “SOL off of the Internet”) said in reply.

How’s the PS2 version of Coast 2 Coast going to look compared to the arcade-perfect GENIUS MAJESTY of last year’s Xbox OutRun2? (Don’t lie and say it’s going to be awesome if it isn’t, because we’ll be able to tell and then you’ll look bad.)

Sol: If we hid the pads, and did some Pepsi challenge thing, then it would be split down the board I reckon. There are some subtle differences due to each consoles in-ability to do things the same way, but you’ve got to be some obsessed arcade fanatic with no social connections or a life to be able to really tell. Or work at Sumo – which is pretty much the same thing.

When we inevitably compare the PS2 version to the Xbox version, what are we going to say are the main differences? (Bear in mind we HATE SONY like an abusive step-dad, so will pick up any minor differences and say they’re really big and obvious.)

Sol: Reds are a bit redder. Something to do with bridge rectifiers. I was told about that by this American chap I spoke to on a forum once. Fog might be slightly less foggy – or foggier. Bloom (which is a fancy word for sunlight burning into the back of the retina) is slightly different – but shouldn’t make anyone weep over it. Biggest difference is the controllers, but we’ve tweaked them with the help of AM2 to keep the right feel and control.

How do you go about converting an Xbox-based arcade game to PS2? Keep this brief, as no one’s really interested in knowing about this apart from us.

Sol: It’s like re-packing your suitcase after two weeks on holiday. Although you should have the same amount of stuff, it doesn’t seem to want to go back in. Even if you’ve worn all the booze and drunk all the suntan. You just have to shut the lid and jump on it, or in our case, jump on the textures and models a bit. And music. And code. And other stuff. You’re not supposed to start a sentence with ‘And’ are you. But like that. Except it has to look the same, unlike a very squashed hat.

***THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF THEM ALL***

Will the Xbox version work on Xbox 360? This is the most important question of them all, so please answer it like this is a serious interview for somewhere proper like IGN or Edge.

Sol: Backwards compatibility is not something that works from our code – rather Microsoft has developed a software emulator that should make this happen at some point in the future. Should that be the case, it will be downloaded on Live or by visiting the Xbox.com website. I think at the moment the emulator doesn’t work with all games but Microsoft say they are going to fix it so everything works eventually. So we don’t know really; it’s out of our hands.

How’s it going to look on PSP? Surely it’s an IMPOSSIBLE TASK? It’s like signing a contract to get an elephant in a shoebox! It’s a poisoned chalice, surely?

Sol: It looks quite a lot like the screens on the web mostly. Runs at a fair lick of knots too. We’ve been squishing stuff into the PSP for a while (shameless plug for TOCA, Virtua Tennis and Go! Sudoku) so it’s like a comfortable chair. Not quite one of those lazy boy ones, something a bit smaller and a bit shiner perhaps. I will demand some eating of hats on a few forums when it’s out – from those non-believers.

This is OR2006 on PSP. We’ve played it, but aren’t allowed to ‘review it’ yet, especially not on the internet. They’d go MENTAL if we did that! We can probably get away with saying something vague like “what we’ve seen of it so far looks really fucking good and smooth and awesome” though.

Don’t people just use PSPs for watching porn on these days anyway?

Sol: Maybe if you’ve got strong wrists, I can’t hold it one handed.

Can you play Coast 2 Coast on PSP’s digital pad? Only the analogue stick thing’s a bit rubbish and isn’t placed very well. It’d probably work better on the d-pad. Just a thought. It’s not like you really need analogue for OutRun.

Sol: You can use the D-Pad – you won’t be getting top times on the online ranks as you can turn some mean times with the nub. Nub, there’s a good word.

Is Richard Jacques doing any new music for Coast 2 Coast?

Sol: His “Euro Remixes” from OutRun2 are included but unfortunately that’s it. We felt he couldn’t possibly top those aural sensations… Plus he is working on some other top secret Sega stuff. There is some new music provided by the original Japanese composer though.

Have you met Richard? If so WHAT IS HE LIKE?! He seems really nice!

Sol: Can’t really tell – we’re tried shouting to him through his letter box once but all we heard were muffled cries and sobs.

What did you talk about?

Sol: It was hard to tell, something about us going far away is about all we could work out.

What was he wearing? Go into as much detail as possible, especially about his trousers.

Sol: Damnit, you broke us. Can’t say really, last time the closest we got was downloading the files from Sega. I imagine he’s really smartly dressed but with pop star hair. I bet he hangs round with top models and smokes fags with a cigarette holder. In fact I think I hate him for that.

Going back to the game, can you tell us anything about your new content?

Sol: Err, it’s got some new Ferraris in it and there’s no rain. It would suck if you had enough money to own an open topped Ferrari and went on a road trip and all it did was rain, so we left that out. Also, no-one seems to grasp that every platform is online, PSP too. 6 players, you don’t even have to have that many friends; OutRun will go out and make them for you. If you’ve played the Arcade to death, then there is even new tuned up versions of the cars, done with the help of Ferrari. Open top Enzo sir? 4:18 on Route A without breaking a sweat. Now that’s fast. There is also a load of other stuff in there, but best not ruin it.

Xbox OutRun2’s Mission Mode was really, really good and we completed it all– what are you doing this time? You can definitely tell us, it’s out in a few weeks. Even if Sega says you’re not allowed to tell us, you can still tell us. It’s OK. Really.

Sol: We hope to divide opinion once again on the mission mode. We’ve split the missions into Heart Attack type stuff and Racing missions, as we know not everyone likes the same things as us. We’ve added kittens and lions as well as the obligatory fruit and there’s even a beach ball to dribble. We’ve also kept the maths, because we like watching people’s faces contort when we watch them play it in Dixons. Plus you get the Flag Man telling you what to do. You could imagine him there dancing whilst he does it.

Going back to Richard Jacques, did he mention UKR at all?

Sol: I’m sure if we ever have a conversation, that would be the thing to break the ice. Me saying ‘Is it fun being stalked by the internet’ and him laughing jovially whilst nodding at the models we imagine he hangs around with to go and warm up the getaway car.

Xbox OutRun2 got a bit jerky on Xbox Live sometimes. Is that something you can fix “your end” or is it a general Xbox Live issue that we’re going to be stuck with forever until they invent a better kind of internet?

Sol: We can’t really help it if some peasants with a steam powered internet connection log onto Live and host games. There is some stuff we’ve fettled with to make it better – we’ll find out about 5 minutes after it hits the shops if people on the forums start moaning that it’s lagging on their 56K modems.

What sort of PC will we need to make it look super-awesome? Our PC is a Dell from two years ago and we don’t know what the graphics card is — will it work on that?

Sol: We’re waiting for someone to send us some really good PCs – like Alienware or someone, so we can say that those are the ones you’ll need, hopefully seeing a cut of the profits. In the meantime we’re making do with trying to keep the spec to something sensible – couple of Gig processor, half a gig of ram and recent video card. If it runs DirectX 9 stuff there is a good chance it will work. You could try running it on a 486 if it’s got AGP, but it would be like receiving a series of postcards of someone driving into walls.

This is what PC games usually look like. Imagine how excited PC gamers will be when they get OutRun 2006! It’ll be like when we first got a Mega Drive.

Have you got any quotes you’d like us to slip into a review? We could easily sort that out for a few quid or some boxed copies we can sell on eBay.

Sol: I think ‘What’s with the vest top’ should make an appearance somewhere. Preferably as one of those really funny comments under a screenshot. Can you get to Edge write something like ‘It’s reyt good’? Just to lighten the tone a bit.

Would you like to “big up” or make any “shout outs” to your team members, or end by saying something needlessly controversial that will get you in trouble at work?

Sol: I’ll leave it with asking Sega if we can have our passports back, we’ve almost finished it now and promise not to run away.

Thanks very much to internet spokesdeveloper ‘Sol’. The best arcade game ever will be out for a machine you actually own at the end of March or thereabouts.

She’s a whole three course meal of lovely! Plus she’s quite “ample” so there’s enough of her to feed a whole 747 of starving men, should Flight 844 go down on a mountain due to blizzard conditions.

We’ll bite her lips off first, as a sort of starter. They’re OK to eat raw. Although seeing as she’s 20, pretty, and used to work in Top Shop, she’s bound to be riddled with STDs so we might have to pasteurise them first to be safe.

Then we’ll have a couple of slices of belly. It’s fatty meat, a bit like duck. She’s got enough to go round. She’s almost like a real woman!

Eyeballs for pudding, like being on holiday in France.

She’ll probably have died from blood loss by now so the rest of her can go in the freezer for special occasions, like when we celebrate a successful piece of social interaction.

We got it this morning and haven’t been able to stop playing it:

It’s has that “just one more go” addictive feeling! 10/10.

The ideal Valentine gift from yourself, to yourself. Stay tuned for exclusive hands-on video and pics.

Let’s address some obvious male workplace issues by pretending they’re really deep and important and having a conference!

If anyone would like to sponsor one of these conferences, please get in touch. We’re ideally looking to spend at least five days in a nice hotel somewhere in America.

MEN IN HAIRDRESSING CONFERENCE
Men are MASSIVELY UNDER-REPRESENTED in the hairdressing industry. This is SHAMEFUL DISCRIMINATION! We must immediately discuss ways of making more men into hairdressers. For this conference we’ll spend four days in a nice hotel in San Francisco or Los Angeles, hedging around the really obvious fact that most men JUST DON’T LIKE being hairdressers.

MEN IN DEPILATION CONFERENCE
It’s a DISGRACE that the UK hair-removal industry isn’t composed of a 50:50 ratio between male and female workers. This five-day conference in New York or Washington DC will address ways more men can be FORCED AGAINST THEIR WILL into doing jobs they don’t particularly like just so that it looks more balanced.

MALE DINNERLADIES CONFERENCE
Why aren’t there more male dinnerladies? Is it because the men don’t like cooking and wearing hair nets much? It can’t be that simple! So let’s get lots of people to give talks about other reasons they’ve just thought up, for about five days in a nice hotel in Vancouver.

THE ‘WHY DON’T WOMEN LIKE PORN?’ CONFERENCE
Approximately 90 percent of porn viewers are male. This is UNBALANCED and discriminatory. At this conference we’ll force women to watch porn until they bloody well start liking it as much as we do. We plan on holding this conference in Paris, so we can use French porn. French girls are hairy, but thin and cute in the face.

The American Frag Dolls are addressing the (Ubisoft sponsored) Women in Games International thing, where lots of frumpy old women will pretend there’s a reason more women don’t work in games other than the REALLY OBVIOUS ONE about “computers” being boring to most of them.

There’s no conspiracy, ladies, it’s just that little girls would rather learn about make-up and hairdressing than how to compile C++ code and develop portable code for the Maya platform.

Here’s the press release, plus a JOKE BIT we added at the bottom.

All Female Game Team Leads Roundtable Discussion

Thursday, February 9, 2006–San Francisco, CA–Women in Games International, a non-profit organization in the interactive entertainment industry, today announced the addition of the Frag Dolls as speakers at their next conference, Women in Games International-San Francisco. The Frag Dolls are an all-female video game team sponsored by global game publisher Ubisoft.

Women in Games International-San Francisco, titled “Games for Women, Games by Women” is scheduled on Saturday, February 18 from 1 pm to 6 pm at the Fort Mason Conference Center in San Francisco. This conference addresses the myth that women don’t “do” games by discussing statistics, game genres and careers in game development. Frag Dolls members Morgan Romine (“Rhoulette), Kat Hunter “Katscratch”) Ashley Jenkins (“Jinx”) and Emily (“Seppuku”) are participating as speakers at the conference.

FRAG DOLL SPEECHES AND TIMES:

“Nintendogs — why is it so lovely?” by Jinx, 9:45am Exhibition Hall 2

“What is it about football games?!” by Rhoulette, 10:30am, Nelson Mandela Room

“Has he got a better gun than me or am I just rubbish?” by Katscratch, 11:00am Exhibition Hall 2

“I know!!! They should do NintenCATS next!!!” by Seppuku, 12:30pm Jonathan Sands Room

“Why not make it so you look up when you press up?” by Katscratch, 1:30pm Exhibition Hall 2

“Shopping games – a routemap for design” by Seppuku, 2:00pm UbiSoft Experience Room

“Why are driving games always too fast?” by Rhoulette, 2:45pm Exhibition Hall 2

“What’s best out of Puzzle Bobble and Columns?” by Jinx, 3:00pm Meeting Room 3

“What I think matters because I’m such a cutie-pie!” by Katscratch, 3:45am Exhibition Hall 2

We’ve emailed the organisers requesting “glamour, lingerie, swimwear and cosplay photos” of the main speakers to illustrate a news piece. Update soon if they come through.

You haven’t lived or DIED HORRIBLY BY GETTING TRAPPED IN A BURNING CAR WRECK until you’ve watched “GameLife Video Game Review Show Episode 1” by Andrew Rosenblum Productions.

Featuring Andrew Rosenblum, who you might recognise from such productions as “Me Filming Myself Wanking” and “Mum’s cat”.

It’s all shot in grainy close-up, like porn.

REALLY HORRIBLY BAD PORN THAT WILL STOP YOU THINKING ABOUT SEX AND EVEN WANKING FOR EVER.

SEE IT HERE:
GameLife Video Game Review Show Episode 1