Hot wet action! She’s amazing. Who wouldn’t? We wouldn’t wouldn’t! It’s great deciding to like Tomb Raider again. We can’t wait for it to come out and for Flickr to get flooded with photos of average-looking, 34-year-old brunette housewives dressed like Lara Croft and trying to look sexy in the hope that they’re still good enough to get spotted by a modelling agency.

This image repairs two percent of the damage done by Angel of Darkness. The Tomb Raider franchise goodwill score now stands at -78.

Amber York has! The ungrateful cow complained about getting some free porn bundled in with a secondhand Memory Stick she bought for PSP. We’d pay an extra fiver for that kind of service:

Her boyfriend “found 3 more small clips of a woman doing very inappropriate things downloaded as well,” Amber also said, although we suspect he might’ve put them on himself and has now been caught out and is frantically lying to dig himself out of a hole.

THE LINK TO THE PROPER NEWS ON A PROPER SITE:
Couple Finds Pornographic Surprise On Used Video Game Card

…you’ll notice we didn’t say “PMT” in case anyone thought we were talking about the buses in Hanley. Anyway, just in case you’re too busy with equally trivial things like the fact that every month another piece of the map burns down, blows up, falls over or sinks beneath the ocean just lately, here’s Super Princess Peach. Her special powers are getting irrationally angry and/or bursting into floods of tears.

Last month the games industry was making its own jokes. Now it’s making OUR jokes.

Because Eminem has joined the cast. He plays the role of “crooked cop” McVicar. He’ll be providing his own voice. We’ll be providing our own muffled sobs.

This game will sell 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 copies :(

Look, look! We can be a “Proper” games site and appeal to a diverse range of gamers, just like that other one. Today to prove we ever play anything apart from PSP games that make your head go funny, here’s our list of predictions for Metroid Pinball.

– It might be as good as Sonic Pinball Party

– It will definitely be better than Pinball Of The Dead

– It won’t be as good as Pinball Fantasies, Pinball Dreams, Devil Crash or Sonic Spinball

– It will cost money, and therefore be more expensive than downloading ROMs for Medieval Madness and Addams Family off the internet

– It won’t be exhibit A in an American rape case or smell of stale fags and WILL ACTUALLY WORK unlike a real pinball table

– [PLACEHOLDER] Probably type a joke in about Advanced Pinball Simulator here too later

WHAT WE’D RATHER SEE INSTEAD

Metroid Pachinko. Hundreds of Samus Arans pour in through the top of the screen and you get to keep the ones that go down her special holes. When you run out you can choose to take your tiny Samuses and either gamble them by putting them back in the machine, or a second option which makes them take all their clothes off and run around in the lower screen naked. Then you can use the DS touchpen to pour boiling water or hold a magnifying glass over them.

The two screens mean you’re twice as likely to catch a glimpse of your disgusting face reflected in the screen during dark moments.

There just isn’t a safe angle. Especially when you’re playing Nintendogs and have to keep it really close to your face so people don’t see what you’re doing and think you’re gay.

Today we’re issuing an open challenge to all the really important people in the Industry that we know read UK:R. We’re asking for a game to be made to our specifications. We were originally going to specify a monstrously violent real life simulation with incredibly detailed damage models in which you got to repeatedly punch gaming journalists in the face. We’re not fussy though. We’d probably settle for something to do with puzzle and music that had Maria Sharapova on the cover.

In any case, we will pay EIGHT POUNDS TWENTY FOUR to the charity of Richard Jacques’ choice should anyone have the integrity and the courage to take us at our word. Bear in mind that it’ll actually be a bit less when it arrives though, because the bank have been charging us 50p per cheque since we went overdrawn to buy Sonic Adventure 2.

At this EXACT moment! See the fear in her eyes!

This is what (we imagine) prostitutes look like when you’re making them say they love you and you’re special and worthwhile. The words are coming out of the mouth, but the dead eyes tell a different story.

We’re not suggesting Emily B is a prostitute, BTW! But if she was, we’d happily pay 200 pounds for an hour of “full girlfriend experience”. More new Emily on Sky channel 166 photos here.

Not having to deal with MSN Messenger users who change their handle every six hours to some new string of gibberish that sounds like a witty turn of phrase from an early They Might Be Giants or Mogwai album. This is what happens when we try to talk to people NOT EVEN IN REAL LIFE:

PROPER BO: Heya, mate!
US: Who are you?
PROPER BO: It’s me, Rob!
US: I thought you were Dancing Gay Hitler.
PROPER BO: No, that was last week. I changed my name from Kiss A Llama On The Llama because I was sick of being called Kill Bill Gates vol.2, remember?

Let’s get back to having one name per account. It’s already at the point where you need an e-newsletter to keep track of just five people. Soon we’ll be too frightened to ask people even the most basic social questions like “ASL” in case they turn out to be our mum.

Even though it LOOKS LIKE the sort of rubbish joke we’d make in Photoshop, in five minutes, it’s not — this is a REAL GAME for the Game Boy Advance for people to buy.

Although we have to respect a game that lets you “collect” girls and only requires one button press to “hook up” with them. Maybe if you hold down both triggers you can punch them in the face for not cooking the right dinner!