The Matthew Smith legend is an enduring mystery steeped in the misguided joy of our youths. Mum! Mum! Doctor Who’s starting! No, I can’t get out of the bath, I haven’t got a warm towel! Here’s a rundown of the current rumour mill regarding our Matt, in order of ridiculousness.

1) Matt made a lot of money from the Jet Set Willy games and doesn’t want to be found.

2) Matt never existed. The name “Matthew Smith” was merely a clever codeword for the Tandy computers upon which the games were conceptualised.

3) Matt made his fortune from the games then spazzed it all on dangerous substances and ended up on the funny farm for good.

4) Matt had a nervous breakdown from cash problems, and now lives in a Norwegian squat rebuilding his life with the proceeds he makes from his new life as a bicycle repair man.

5) Matt is alive, healthy, working in a mediocre software-related job and trying to avoid all the cunts who have made it their holy war to remind him how old he is.

6) Matt made a terrible game on a terrible computer that people are still talking about.

Oh, well. There’s another mystery of life placed on a barrel and crushed by a comedically long foot. Be here next week when we reveal that Gunpei Yokoi, Richie from The Manics and Dumbledore are all still alive, they just hate you.

Please find attached a couple of scans showing young, lifestyle branded metrosexuals holding PSPs. These pics were part of an SCEE-paid special supplement that came with the latest issue of German trade magazine “MIM – Medien Insight Multimedia” (http://www.mpnow.de) regarding the upcoming European PSP launch.

Cheers,
Superfrog

Does anyone want to buy a PSP and a soiled copy of Lumines?

For this game you will need two players, each with their own internet connection, plus some strong alcohol of the kind that really wreaks hell on your breath. Both players must roll a dice and then race to read as many sites featuring the words “Industry,” “Journal,” “Lifestyle” and so forth to find an article or post whose first paragraph contains the following.

Roll 1: A sweeping statement written as if it were fact. Example: “The Koreans have long been a nation of animal lovers.”

Roll 2: Speaking as if talking about video games made you some kind of philosophical luminary or something. Example: “We have long considered to validity of the video game as art.”

Roll 3: The writer appointing themselves as the spokesman for an entire demographic, culture or issue. Example: “Gamers such as we have long been disappointed in this area.”

Roll 4: A thoroughly preposterous inference of credit. Example: “Following our mention in the last issue that we went to Torremolinos on holiday once, Technos have unveiled a new fighting game set in Spain.”

Roll 5: A completely subjective opinion which precedes the full text as if it were a bald statement of fact. Example: “SNK have long been considered a poor relation to Capcom.”

Roll 6: A completely unnecessary quotation.

The player who takes longer over the search has to dodge into the company toilets and take a drink. The game then continues, and the overall loser is the first person to receive a written warning.

In the event of a tiebreaker the players must compete to see who can invent the most ludicrous claim to credit in a single sentence. Our best so far is “Sony engineered the PSP’s disastrous performance on purpose because we started saying that we like it.” You can’t use that one, though, because we’re still not sure if it’s true or not.

Ja, das PlayStation Portable ist ein SEHR HARDCORE spiele consolen!!

What a cock. It’s also a LIFESTYLE gaming device, popular with people like DJs and cool men in bands who wear ironic sunglasses indoors.

These photos are from the Swedish PSP launch party, which, in strict keeping with national stereotypes, featured women with their tits out. We love liberal Europeans and are especially fond of their tits. They were probably off their tits after visiting one of Stockholm’s notorious ‘Heroin Cafes’.

FANTASTICHE UBERHARDCORE PISS PARTY PHOTGRAFEN HABEN, JA?
Which translates as “more here“.

This ISN’T FAIR. When we used to tell girls we liked staying at home and playing Virtua Tennis on Dreamcast, they used to look slightly confused, then say they needed the toilet then disappear and never come back.

NOT ONCE did they ever lift one of their legs up, smile, grab the box and pull their shoulders back so we could see their tits better.

We were born five years too early :(

JONATHAN WEINBERG PROBABLY GOT AT LEAST A BLOW JOB, A FREE PSP AND A PRESS TRIP TO SOMEWHERE LIKE LOS ANGELES OUT OF ALL THIS:

The Sun’s shameful PSP whoring

And if you want to be as popular with the ladies as Virtua Tennis here, you might want to head over to The Sun’s Page 3 PSP page (although you might not, seeing as it costs ONE POUND to download some small pictures of tits).

The link is safe for work, unless you live in a really strict Islamic country where women are only allowed to live under burning tarpaulins.

Where were you SLAGS when Dreamcast was out, eh? We might have to incorporate this sexy scene into our Virtua Tennis fan fiction. We’ve currently written 886 HOT EROTIC words of it, including the final sex scene. There’s still time to email in if you’d like to be in it.

This week is dedicated to the things that are left to do only when you get SO bored that you look at them and say to yourself “Well… it’s either this or fuck the dog.”

DAY 1 – MS PAINT YOUR OWN VIRTUA TENNIS PORN

Look, you can see her pubes and everything. And there she is giving Warwick Davies a hand job (or Verne Troyer, whichever one’s shilling Gizmondo this week).

Thanks to all the UKR FORUM CUNTS for making this week’s Comedy Wankcry happen! If you want to join up and contribute to our weekly features, fill out the online form and send us ten quid via paypal. Forum Cunt status gives you search features, removes your popup ads and confers access to one of the strongest moderated forums on the internet. Plus our servers aren’t full of plankton and dead coloured people.

All very exciting, even though Sega’s new Lindbergh arcade machine sounds like something you could pick up from PC World for 399 quid.

A new machine thing from Sega! Imagine how easy it’s going to be to emulate these games in a few years time, seeing as they’re already running on a P4 PC! This is absolutely nothing like the spec of Xbox 360, so it isn’t based on Xbox 360 like lots of people guessed just because HotD4 comes in widescreen. Oops.

House of the Dead 4. We’d still prefer a new Virtua Cop, but let’s not start being all negative about it already before it’s even out.

Obviously Virtua Tennis 3 has been in development for several years, since back when Henman used to be good. Having Tim Henman still in the game is like having Geoff Hurst in FIFA still. No, wait, it’s like FIFA having Paul Ince or Peter Shilton in it, or someone else half-decent who never actually won anything important.

New Afterburner. We can take or leave this. 3D flying games have been the same since whenever it was Sega invented them, so, you know, shinier planes. Wow.

Psy Phi, some sort of game from Yu Suzuki. We don’t know what type at all, and all Babelfish can come up with is “In addition, the operation impression of utilizing the function only of touch panel until now proposes the place tile which is not e.g., it puts out special attack by the fact that the figure is drawn on the picture and divides” and “Lindbergh’s function was pulled out, description of the shooting which is beautiful expression and force like the fireworks which glitter to the night sky became possible” — which would appear to hint that it uses a touch-screen.

As long as Sarah Bryant still has those only five moves we know, we’ll be happy!

We’re now going to start calling Dreamcast “Hindenburg” in honour of its fiery death that killed off a great line of awesome machines.

SPOT THE OMISSION?
The only game that’s NOT featured here from Sega’s E3 behind-the-scenes-and-subsequently-leaked-all-over-the-internet showreel is the new Sonic The Hedgehog game. We’re prepared to bet our plush Ulala (mint, with tag) on it being announced for Xbox 360 in around a week at the Tokyo Game Show.

Go Team USA! It’s like their Princess Diana, or another 9/11 only this time about water. We love assisting in relief. If we had our way, we’d spend every day issuing relief to ourselves, and others. And we know what they mean — some days it really is an effort.

“Bungie Studios and the Bungie Store will be donating at least $15 from each shirt sold which will go straight to the Red Cross and directly to the disaster relief. Everything you can do to help will make a difference”

They’ve had the fire disaster, now the water one, which must mean an ice catastrophe is next for poor America.

Fight the Flood T-Shirt – Bungie Store

The puppy one MUST be ironic. It must. It has to be. PLEASE.

NEXT WEEK: *German* ones of PSP which are 10000 times worse!