This is going to save the controller-faking community thousands of man-hours over the coming months.

Here’s a Nintendo Revolution Controller we just made:

We made it look like a sick puppy with a squiffy eye so it appeals to the female demographic!

Nintendo Controller Fake Editor – by claudiotosado

It’s from EA game From Russia With Love, so it’s not like we’ll ever see this again:

The artists have trimmed off about three stone and a few centimetres of jaw bone, apart from that it’s quite accurate.

UKR FACT: We had a pretend girlfriend called Natasha for two years, so our parents didn’t worry about us being (a) lonely, or (b) gay.

Xbox 360 Ridge Racer 6 is going to feature HEAD-TO-HEAD ONLINE RACING, and better still, you can UPLOAD YOUR TIMES to a central server!

The press release spells out how genius Namco is going to make these amazing new gaming features happen:

“Utilizing a Worldwide Player Matching system, players can match up against drivers from around the world in intense head-to-head drift racing match ups”

It’s one brand new feature after another!

Three cheers for magical innovationalists Namco! Oh, and Ridge Racer 6 is now confirmed as an Xbox 360 launch game, which is like PROPER NEWS.

There’s a game called F.E.A.R. coming out on PC. In the amazing, ironic way our mind works, this got us thinking about the Ian Brown song that’s also called F.E.A.R. — in which Ian ‘Crack-face’ Brown sings a whole song only using words that start with F, E, A and R.

AND THEN!
We though we’d try and come up with some F.E.A.R.’s for what the game F.E.A.R. might be about. We’re not going to bother trying to make them rhyme with each other, that’d be going too far.

You might want to skip this update and come back tomorrow. We’re not expecting anyone to email in saying they liked this, if that helps take the pressure off.

OUR VIDEO GAME F.E.A.R.’s (please read them in the style of the Song):

Fantastic Early Artwork Renders
Futuristic Earth’s Apocalyptic Remains
Find Every Ancient Route
Familiar Exploration, Awful Resolution

Forgotten Enemy After Revenge
Fight Endless AI Robots
Fucking Enemies All Respawn
Final Enemies Are Repetitious

Fire Energy At Retreaters
Frag Everything And Run
Fuck Every American Retard
For Elevator, Access Required

Fire Everything At Robotnik
Fight Earth, Alien Race!
Fire EMP, Axe, Revolver
For Ever As Ryu

Futile EA Annual Remake
False Enthusiasm At Retail
Feeling Endless Aeris Remorse
Forgettable Ending Adds Regret

Face Evil Attacking Relentlessly
Something Something, Ages Reloading.

That’s it. That’s how funny we are these days. With this and a rubbish joke about the RIAA suing radio listeners we’ve officially lost too many brain cells to be left in charge of web sites.

*JOE PASQUALE LOOKS ON FEELING SUPERIOR SMILEY FACE*

THE ALL-TIME LIST OF FUNNY THINGS:

1: Fat women tripping over and falling into fountains (14th consecutive year at number one!)
2: Really excited dogs
3: Someone knocking a cup of tea off their desk and it going right in their bag
…
…
…
9,999,998: Dad’s bowel cancer
9,999,999: The new Ricky Gervais sitcom ‘Extras’
10,000,000: UK:Resistance circa 2005

The drama queens at anti-piracy boredom-enforcer ELSPA have decided to jump on the “blame benefit claimants for everything” bandwagon, using such ANGRY TABLOID PHRASES as “falsely claiming benefits” and “lining their pockets with tax payers money” in an attempt to make video game piracy sound as important and dangerous as, say, smuggling drugs or having a gun.

Here’s how they’ve tried to make video game piracy sound as important and dangerous as smuggling drugs or having a gun:

Tax payers money? TAX PAYERS MONEY? We’d rather it went to video game pirates — who at least give us something in return — than students. What’s ELSPA doing about students? NOTHING. That’s the real crime. If you eliminate the students, you eliminate the demand for getting things for free. We’d even vote for the Liberal Democrats if they said they were going to “stop students”.

PS:
We want a secret cupboard. Their secret cupboard was obviously rubbish. Ours would be so secret that Michael Rawlinson wouldn’t ever find it.

By way of an apology for all the bad things we’ve been saying about women recently, here’s a photo of a lovely one in her underwear — proving that the USELESS MOANING BITCHES do sometimes serve some sort of purpose: Employee of the Week.

Next week: Abi Titmuss. After that: Jennifer Ellison. After that: Abi Titmuss. After that: Jennifer Ellison. After that: Abi Titmuss. After that: Jennifer Ellison. After that: Abi Titmuss. After that: Jennifer Ellison. After that: Abi Titmuss. BUT THEN… Jennifer Ellison again.

After this we’ll stop. Promise.

A SQUARE PEG IN A WORLD OF ROUND HOLES
By Commander Michael Zorg

STARRING:

– Claudia Christian as L-shaped Girl

– Michael Zorg as Steve Square

Sometimes you feel like you just don’t fit in. That pretty orange square over there — what would she ever see in a stupid old multi-coloured square? Not only a stupid old multi-coloured square, but a useless, rubbish diagonal square that’s orange in one corner and grey in the other and doesn’t fit into any holes at all!

Oh yes, that’s me all right — Steve Square, the original misfit in the Lumines world. But don’t worry about poor old Steve. It’s always been like this for me, ever since I was born on the wrong side of the screen. “Just pile the useless diagonal ones over there” says the voice of the Controller, dumping me and the other unwanted diagonals on the far edge while he has fun organising all the prettier and cooler straight-split conventional squares.

Oh yes. Nobody wants us diagonal squares. We’re a liability! I tell you, some days I wish I’d never been dropped.

Today was another of those days. Those same days. The uniform squares all piled up together, chaining, having fun, linking together and disappearing in beams of light — and all us useless diagonals dumped in a messy pile. No one cares about us enough to work us out.

Oh, and here comes another one. Another useless diagonal, getting dumped in the miscellaneous pile and forgotten about until it’s Game Over.

No, wait! It’s not a diagonal square, it’s a different shape! It’s a… it’s a three of one colour and one of another colour one — IT’S A GIRL CUBE! And she’s coming down my side of the screen!!

Oh, but hang on. What’s the point getting excited? Diagonals aren’t compatible with other shapes. She’ll just get stuck with me until it’s Game Over time and she’ll hate every second of it.

Here she is now.

“Sorry” she said, as she landed awkwardly beside me.

Wow. What a beautiful square she was. Three orange mini squares and one grey one for a face! Such a sweetie.

“Sorry” she said again, “I didn’t mean to touch you. Sorry” she added, as she rotated her pretty grey face further away from me and landed beside me, her beautiful orange side pressing my awkward, mis-matched grey and orange side.

“Oh that’s fine, I’m just… waiting” I said, hoping she hadn’t noticed my stupid diagonal pattern and how stupid and ugly it looked. She obviously would though. She’d notice and ignore me, waiting for a better all-orange square to dock herself with. They all do. I’m used to it by now. It’s the way for all us diagonals.

“Are you… a diagonal?” she asked, without even looking at me to check. She must’ve noticed my ugly diagonal deformity from the top of the screen — no, wait — she’d have noticed it from the Pending Column over on the left before she even got on the screen! That’s how stupid and ugly us diagonals look. I bet she was really sad when she got plonked down next to me.

“Um…” there was no denying it, “yes, I’m a diagonal. Are you a…” I paused. What’s the word for something that’s three of one colour and one of another? Oh my god! What on earth do you call something like that?!

She laughed nervously, like she knew I was struggling and wanted to help me out. “Oh, I’m just a stupid odd shape” she said, “there’s not even a name for the shape I am!” she added, rotating her grey square face one rotation away so I couldn’t see her lovely single grey square.

“Oh, I don’t know” I joked, awkwardly. You’re a sort of… L shaped!”

“No, I’m not, I’m a rubbish square with one bit missing. I don’t fit in and… and…” she tailed off.

“And what?” I asked.

“And… no other squares ever want to go beside me because I’m all awkward and ugly and don’t match!”

And with this the poor little L-shaped girl square started sobbing, as over on the popular side of the screen a whooshing sound emanated from the partying, collapsing neat rows of popular uniform squares.

“Don’t cry!” I said, “we’re all funny shaped a bit! Look at me! I go orange-grey up one side, then grey-orange up the other! I’m rubbish, me!”

She didn’t look at me, she just carried on crying and staring on the ground.

“Look! I’m diagonal! I don’t fit in anywhere!” I said, as I rotated one rotation to the right to prove my point, bringing my stupid lopsided grey quarter to the top of my cube nearest L-girl.

“Look!”

The L-shaped girl rotated her grey face upwards one rotation, but still couldn’t see me.

“Rotate one step further and look at my stupid, ugly diagonal face!” I shouted!

The L-shaped girl slowly rotated one step further around, bring her grey face square level with my grey corner square. And… OH MY GOD! Her orange lower square matched my orange lower square too! We were… JOINED! Suddenly we matched PERFECTLY! This was like NOTHING THAT HAD EVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

Her grey face square and orange lower body square perfectly matched my grey top-diagonal square and orange bottom-diagonal square! Then another two diagonals fell on top of us making a PERFECT CUBE!!

Light exploded! A whooshing sound filled my ears! Myself and the L-shaped girl became ONE CUBE! Our faces JOINED, in a BEAUTIFUL ARTY WAY not a HORRIBLE HORROR WAY! We existed only as beings of light and evaporated like all the other cubes, freed from the chains of block-based existence and soaring off into the night sky! It was beautiful! We were together, but without the awkwardness of having to speak to each other because we were gaseous beings of light without mouths!

Then we sort of became solid for a while and had sex in all three positions and I spunked on her lower orange square and got some on her upper grey square.

THE END.

This is Japanese opposition politician Yoji Nagaoka. His claim to fame, as of yesterday, is that he hung himself – because of “Concerns over postal privatisation.”

This is EXACTLY what we need more of. Do you even dare to consider the good that could be done if normal people were prone to indiscriminately committing honourable suicide? Imagine getting up in the morning to be greeted by the following headlines:

BILL GATES HANGS SELF OVER UN-BACKLIT SP OUTSELLING XB IN JAPAN

PETER MOLYNEUX CREATES COMPLETELY UN-BUGGED GAME, HANGS SELF FOR RUINING RECORD

(Ha ha, the very idea)

TRIP HAWKINS HANGS SELF ON GENERAL FUCKING PRINCIPLE

JACQUES: “ANYONE WHO LIKES ME CAN COME AND LIVE IN MY HOUSE AND DO MY LAUNDRY FOR ME AND CUT MY TOENAILS AND MAKE ADORABLE LITTLE LUNCHBOXES FOR ME FULL OF LITTLE SONIC THE HEDGEHOGS MADE OUT OF MEATBALLS WITH COCKTAIL STICKS STUCK IN THEM”

Actually, that last one was just a dream we had after eight hours of drinking Diamond White. We know that Sonic’s nose would be made out of an anchovy because we experimented with raisins, chocolate chips and those evil little oriental pickles that taste like crap. We were going to send it to Rich, but it went stale in the time we spent staring at it and trying to work up the courage to do it so we threw it out of the window and sat at the kitchen table weeping uncontrollably instead.

Turns out star PSP game Lumines was designed ON PURPOSE to make us like it and feel happy:

‘Lumines has “call & response” that lets users feel music with not only ears but eyes and a body. Thus, we could make a game that satisfies physiological feelings such as “feel good” and “fun”.’

That explains why playing Lumines makes us feel as happy as that time the doctor put us on a combination of Prozac and Zoloft after we had that month when we couldn’t get out of bed for crying constantly!

Those strange, unusual feelings we’ve been having — they are “fun” and “feeling good” as experienced by our eyes and body! Now we know what fun feels like. We must try to feel it more. If you would like to assist us in the experiencing of “fun” — or know where fun can be had — please get in touch. We can be fun buddies.

Full Q&A with Lumines producer Tetsuya Mizuguchi here. It’s a bit plain-looking because we stole it off the internet somewhere and don’t have a non-Blogger page template, but is an entertaining read if you’re also newly obsessed about Lumines.

We’d give Lumines on PSP 9/10 compared to “all other games in the world” and 10/10 if we’re just talking about puzzle games. But that’s only based on about 100 hours of play. We might like it more, but we can’t think about opinions because all we see when we close our eyes are rotating squares.

We think we like organizing squares because it means we are in control of the squares. Being in control of and in charge of squares feels great because we’re never allowed or trusted to be in control of or in charge of anything in real life. Can any psychology experts confirm this hypothesis?

We’ve added “organizing squares into squares” to our CV’s hobbies section (along with cycling, going to the cinema and a lie about having written an episode of ‘Coupling’ for the BBC).

IMPROMPTU LUMINES PLAY GUIDE: That all-silver block needs to be dropped on the far-right, creating a block of six mini silver squares that will all disappear. The next block (three orange, one silver) needs to be rotated one step clockwise then dropped one square from the far-right so it makes an orange 4×4 cube on the left and leaves a spare silver square on the right, so the next block (silver/orange diagonal) can be dropped on the far right ‘as is’ to make an additional silver layer of two that will add on to the six we created in step one and will also then disappear. Then the game will make a “WHOOSH-OOSH!” sound and flash a bit so we feel like we’ve achieved something. This game really appeals to our near-autistic need to organize things neatly. THIS IS WHAT WE THINK LIKE ALL DAY IN REAL LIFE.

So far in 2005 we’ve played three* games that are any good. They are PSP Lumines, Xbox MotoGP3 and PSP Virtua Tennis. This means we’re going to have to send an email to people at Sony we haven’t spoken to for about three years asking if we can have a PSP for free. They’re bound to say no. Perhaps we’ll say we’re asking on behalf of Steve Boxer or Steve Hill.

*We also thought Full Auto was extremely ace, but wouldn’t like to admit to that publicly on “the blog” because it’s a game with cars that have got guns on that we’re supposed to sneer about.