A development by scientists working on how best to regulate internet insults this week has led to a discovery that could possibly blow the whole field wide open. It was previously believed that the gay spectrum was divided up from the bottom into two halves – the gay and the uber-gay – with each half further divided into “Gay” and “Ghey,” and each of these divided into subsections of “Gay” and “Teh Gay.”
“The forthcoming generation of gaming devices is threatening to take things out of our hands,” said Prof. DarkVejitto9-11 MA(hons) – Professor of Gay with Special Responsibility For How Much Things Suck On A Scale Of One To Ten – at a press conference. “Previously the field stood on relatively solid ground. Everyone agrees that the Gamecube was definitively teh uber-ghey. I mean, Mario Sunshine? Gay. Pikmin? Gay. That animal thing? Gay. I’ll admit that that Eternal Evil thing where you kept hallucinating your own death was pretty sweet, and at least it had a version of Splinter Cell – but the light sourcing on that was completely gay.
“Now, however, we are faced with the problem of where the goalpoasts will shift to once the Nintendo Revolution is released. Buying a Nintendo console must, once and for all, be an act of complete and decisive gheyness, with a launch week purchase tantamount to an admission of wearing ladies’ underwear. Nonetheless, it’s going to be pretty rockin’ to be able to play Excitebike and shit on it, that’s what Greg says and his dad works for a magazine. It is therefore vitally important that the field expand as fast as the market does – if we become stuck trotting out the same insults over and over, we’re just going to look totally gay.”
REMAPPING THE PLAYGROUND INSULT
Not only does the planned introduction of the areas of Post-Gay and Meta-Gay present scientists with the headache of charting out the new territory, but it presents worrying implacation for those who had, in the past, attempted a unified theory to fit “GAAAAAAAAAAAY!” into the present system. It was previously assumed that “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” occupied a grey area in the center of the gay spectrum, reserved for jovially yelling from the back seat of the car whenever one’s male peers admit that Tom Cruise is pretty good looking. If the gay spectrum turns out to be larger than previously thought and the choosing of a middleground to have thus been an arbitrary piece of wooly thinking, insurmountable problems could result from the metric system’s shortcomings in providing a system whereby gay can be divided.
This will bring further confusion to an area already beset by controversy. Dr. Mark Ph.D DIAC of Dublin University has published numerous theoretical papers in which he postulates that using a dark alleyway as a controlled environment and a blunt axe as variable, dividing three gays into two is not only possible but elementary. Mark’s work has drawn fire from other thinkers, however, who cite Russel’s Paradox – an argued flaw in gay set theory laid down in Bertrand Russel’s “Principia Pillowbiter” and stating that the group of gay things which ironically references itself cannot ever be truly gay – as proof that he is a big poof.
KNOWING AND SARCASTIC SPITE TO BE SET BACK TO Q1 2006 AS ADMINISTRATIVE NIGHTMARE LOOMS
The broadening of the gay spectrum promises not just a theoretical minefield, but a logistic one as well. “I cannot overemphasise the magnitude of the task faced by my coworkers [of Clan ne0-apoKKKalipz],” the Professor continued. “Obviously reading is totally gay, but Greg lent me this one once about this electric book that was quite good because the world blew up, and there was this dude who was insulting the whole universe in alphabetical order, and that’s basically what we’ve got to do now. Only this is real, so it sucks even worse. I’d say a thirteen or a fourteen, at least.” His fraternity are as yet unable to project exactly how long it will take to re-insult everyone on the internet with their new, adjusted status. They remain cautiously optimistic that ground can be covered quickly via MMORPGs, but the matter of casual gamers who have to use their computers for work remains problematic. Initially some will be sent their reclassifications via AIM, but left out in the cold will be those using other chat clients such as MSN and ICQ which have been eschewed by the clan as “Fucking gay.”
In winding up the press conference, the Professor was asked whether he could describe what the new entries to the spectrum will look like. He refused to be drawn on scientific details on the grounds that the chromodynamics would take many hours to even begin to explain. However, he hinted that the layman could get some inkling by visualising the kind of colour worn by creepy thirty year olds who hang around PSO playing a ten year old girl.
“Pinkish purple, or maybe some kind of fuschia,” he said. “You know, something gay.”
