Christ. It turns out DoA was a precise and realistic representation of the SICK PERV SHAME of real-life beach volleyball, as these images of the Athens 2004 Olympic Beach Volleyball event testify.

If any girlfriends of ours tried to go to the beach dressed like that we’d probably go mental on them with coathangers, claw hammers and acid so no-one would ever look at them again.

SMALL BIKINI SHAME
We’ve created some wallpapers of the amazing arses for those of you who can get them past girlfriends/IT departments. Enjoy.

Our favourite by miles. (1024 x 768, 123k)

Assorted v-ball ass desktops. All joint second favourites. Even the Chinese one.

Normally we like to protect our image sources, but in this instance feel we must share our findings for the good of others with nothing to do on Sunday than rhythmically tap their genitals into the underside of PC desks.

Pace yourselves, though — these are only the photos from DAY ONE.

We’ve been dreaming of a time when, to play FIFA, is not to be painful, to be loading up the game not feeling sha-a-ameful – that time is now! Morrissey’s recent single ‘Irish Blood, English Heart’ is on the FIFA 2005 soundtrack, a fact we were told two months ago but dismissed immediately as a joke.

EA! STOP TARNISHING HISTORY!

Also impossible to comprehend is the inclusion of New Order’s ‘Blue Monday’, a song so legendary in status that pinning it onto a FIFA game is tantamount to the VIOLENT ANAL RAPE of our childhood memories by some sort of tentacle beast from DIMENSION X.

Click here for the full FIFA 2005 soundtrack listing of shame. Has YOUR favourite artist’s integrity just gone up in smoke?

So go the beautiful, poetic lyrics of Shystie’s rap intro to Acclaim’s new racer Juiced — easily the most “street” and “urban” game currently in development. She shouts “Blood!” as men break-dance beside computer-generated cars which, funnily enough, is how we like to spend our Sunday afternoons too.

Here’s a quote from Shystie, taken from our own personal favourite UK Underground Urban Music Magazine RWD, which reveals that someone’s been lying to her quite a bit;

“It’s called Juiced, a car racing game. My character is a gang leader, she is still called Shystie and it’s out on Xbox and PlayStation in September. I’ve done a tune for it as well. It’s the first game where you can do full damage to all the cars, plus you can kit them all up… It’s by the guy who did Tomb Raider and Driver, the game’s big man!”

We’re not arguing with the bitch or her crew.

Download it here (25Mb avi).

Much as we loathe web sites that exist solely for unemployed web designers to show how much they know about using Flash and Photoshop, we can’t help but admire the odd example of web-based image tomfoolery. Reader Kevin O’Connor (who may or may not be an unemployed web designer) made the following interpretation of the new-look Nintendo DS, which he quite rightly humiliates, putting it alongside a make-up device or absorbent pad of some sort.

With Aloe Vera extract.

Ooh, controversial!

We didn’t forget, we are bothered and we will post out the prize. James Garratt sent this and needs to take the considerable risk of sending us his home address — and choice of game from the Dreamcast pile. See how we give things back to the community.

“This year’s winner of the Annual Sunbathe-under-a-sieve & Win a Free Game competition”

LONDON, June 9, 2004 – Continuing its emergence as an entertainment force, UK:Resistance, Inc. (NASDAQ: UKR) has reached an agreement with Capitol Records to create a dynamic and artistically unique soundtrack for UK:Resistance, the long-running UK-based video game entertainment web site. Titled UKR – The Soundtrack, the stand-alone soundtrack is scheduled for UK release on July 6, to coincide with a possible update to the main site.

The complete track listing is as follows:

Radiohead — Packt Like Sardines in a Crushed Tin Box
Radiohead — Pyramid Song
Radiohead — Pull Pulk Revolving Doors
Radiohead — You and Whose Army?
Radiohead — I Might Be Wrong
Radiohead — Knives Out
Radiohead — The Morning Bell Amnesiac
Radiohead — Dollars & Cents
Radiohead — Hunting Bears
Radiohead — Like Spinning Plates
Radiohead — Life in a Glass House
Radiohead — Everything In Its Right Place
Radiohead — Kid A
Radiohead — The National Anthem
Radiohead — How To Disappear Completely
Radiohead — Treefingers
Radiohead — Optimistic
Radiohead — In Limbo
Radiohead — Idioteque
Radiohead — Morning Bell
Radiohead — Motion Picture Soundtrack
Radiohead — Airbag
Radiohead — Paranoid Android
Radiohead — Subterranean Homesick Alien
Radiohead — Exit Music [for a film]
Radiohead — Let Down
Radiohead — Karma Police
Radiohead — Fitter Happier
Radiohead — Electioneering
Radiohead — Climbing Up The Walls
Radiohead — No Surprises
Radiohead — Lucky
Radiohead — The Tourist
Radiohead — Planet Telex
Radiohead — The Bends
Radiohead — High & Dry
Radiohead — Fake Plastic Trees
Radiohead — Bones
Radiohead — (nice dream)
Radiohead — Just
Radiohead — My Iron Lung
Radiohead — Bulletproof.. I wish I was
Radiohead — Black Star
Radiohead — Sulk
Radiohead — Street Spirit [fade out]
Radiohead — You
Radiohead — Creep
Radiohead — How Do You?
Radiohead — Stop Whispering
Radiohead — Thinking About You
Radiohead — Anyone Can Play Guitar
Radiohead — Ripcord
Radiohead — Vegetable
Radiohead — Prove Yourself
Radiohead — I Can’t
Radiohead — Lurgee
Radiohead — Blow Out

It won’t happen again for at least six months*.

*After six months the feelings and memories have usually faded enough that it’s OK to start doing whatever it was again to a new batch of people.

How? How do people get jobs where all their ideas, no matter how stupid, get made? As dumb as the dreams you zap in and out of during your 14th hour of restless sleep on a Sunday morning, the Venom Interactive Action Arena is set to do for interactive gaming what the Sega Activator did a decade ago — ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

See how the grinning youth is fighting a Westernised, early 1990s Sega of America box art character. That’s what Lau would’ve looked like in Virtua Fighter: The Cartoon. They’ve put two ‘i’s in “fightiing” and the rings behind the game character are presumably there to symboilise how he’s “come to life”. Even more amusingly, this costs 60 quid to buy. Hypothetically.

At least it isn’t by Sega and only for Gamecube.

Rich is currently working on the soundtrack to Sega’s action adventure sequel Headhunter: Redemption, so all this week we’d like to help Rich out by suggesting some lyrics he could use in the songs — hopefully it isn’t too late!

HEADHUNTER LYRICS #1: Headhunter’s Theme

Going undercover in the still of the night!
Rocking with my lover in the thrill of the fight!

Feeling like a tiger as I sneak through the dark!
Senses getting higher as I’m making my mark!

Head-HUNTEEEEERS!
We’ll save the world!
Head-HUNTEEEEERS!
Rockin’ boy and girl!

Weapon at the ready as I blast through the door!
Trigger holdin’ steady as you all hit the floor!

Sneakin’ like a spy I’ve got you all in my sights!
I swat you like a fly and disappear in the night!

Head-HUNTEEEEERS!
We’re your destiny!
Head-HUNTEEEEERS!
Help the world break free!

(KEY CHANGE)
Head-Hunters YEAH!
NO REDEMPTION! We’ll track you down!

Head-Hunters YEAH!
NO REDEMPTION! You’d better leave this town…