You couldn’t make it up!

We went to the Design Museum. The piss-poor drawings of pretend houses by 1960s drug victims were accompanied by an exhibition about video games, in which some wanky retro nobs — probably all called Graham — lined up their precious old collection for adoration.

(Dreamcast not pictured)

Tomb Raider III was unbelievably set up to educate the public about game design, while grown men sat opposite ironically playing Pong. Two of the six PSones used for demo purposes had amusingly crashed, unless that was supposed to be a deep artistic statement on the blank and lifeless future the entire games industry is CRASHING HEADLONG towards.

What we learned from the day: It’s best to STAY AT HOME WATCHING TV AND WANKING AT THE WEEKENDS.

Breaking News…
Sony to shelve plans for celebrity-endorsed EyeToy ad campaign.

Codemasters introduce the latest installment in the series devoted to this exciting and likeable Scotsman.

Colin McRae Rally 5 – What’s The Point? takes the series forward with a massive multi-event Challenged Career. Help Colin find the most relaxing position on his sofa as he watches the 2004/5 World Rally Championship on the Telly. Bonus stages include the 10 second walk to the Kitchen or the slightly trickier 12 second walk to the toilet. Hazards include avoiding the dog, catching his trouser pocket on the door handle and not bumping in to that little table with the phone on it. Individual damage models now feature, with Colin’s empty beer cans now crushable and the TV remote can lose its battery compartment cover. Available this autumn on Xbox and PS2.

Thanks to our unbeatable contacts within Sega Europe, UKR was granted the world’s first play test of the console version of OutRun2. Utilising Sony’s cutting-edge EyeToy technology, PS2 OutRun2 places YOU in the driving seat like no other game! As our world-first screenshot shows, the feeling of PURE JOY generated by the combination of EyeToy and Sega gaming is astonishing — and proof that the games giant is back on track.

PlayStation2 OutRun2 uses EyeToy for mass-market appeal.

This isn’t a Photoshop joke some idiot has made in five minutes to impress other idiots on the internet — it’s a REAL game. Sega Superstars, for EyeToy. From Sega. From SONIC TEAM. Yes, that SONIC TEAM. For EyeToy. If you look closely enough out of your window you can actually SEE the world dumbing down before your eyes, as a new wave of games that only require you to look into a camera, push your bottom lip out with your tongue and make spaz sounds into a cheap plastic webcam crushes all before it.

This isn’t a fake we made in 1997. It’s fo’ real.

The future of video games is waving your arms around — LIKE A RETARD!

Our never-ending search for the sickest, filthiest, most degrading promotional photos took us to EA, where low centre of gravity superginge Wayne Rooney was secured for FIFA 2004 PR purposes. Presumably won over by the offer of a FREE GAME and a McDonalds afterwards, young Wayne beamed like only a marginally retarded footballing genius can when being told to hold something and look pleased about it in exchange for ten grand.

Presented here, in full click-to-download desktop glory, is the most evil promotional photo of all-time:

“That’s the girlfriend’s birthday present sorted out”

SEND CAPTIONS, WIN A PRIZE
Seeing as we aren’t funny any more, why don’t you send us captions for the above photo? Go on, be funny — then pick one of these BRAND NEW DREAMCAST GAMES as your prize. Has your face just lit-up like Wayne’s? See, we got a whole pile of old Dreamcast games still in their cellophane from Sega recently. We would’ve sold them for drugs but you don’t get much drugs for Conflict Zone, even if it is still in its cellophane.

So… say what game out of these you want when you submit your caption, and we really will send it out to the winner, even if you live in America (although you might have to wait six months for the bottle to float across the Atlantic).

Following up our Ninja Gaiden slime story, forum regular “Munter S Thompson” sent us these two images of American popbait the Olsen Twins, having done to them what we imagine Captain Jax and Commander Zorg would do to them should they ever visit Earth:

Which reminds us of the below photo we’ve been saving for ages, that shows the lovely twins (front) with their HIDEOUS HAG OF A MOTHER standing behind. This perfectly illustrates why Logan’s Run was a good idea and why men don’t often go out with women their age. Next time, girls, LEAVE HER AT HOME.

We don’t get tired of looking at press images. The thrill of looking into the eyes of the models, knowing that they’re hating themselves, knowing they feel empty, knowing with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that they’re regretting it and hoping no one will ever see the photos, never fades. Look at her. She’s trying to mask it, but you can tell. She’ll go home and cry, and won’t even tell anyone why. Praise God you’re not attractive enough to do this as a job.

Site updates cause mass panic
The games industry was left reeling today after the Thought-To-Be-Dead videogames website UK:Resistance was updated 5 times in one week. A shocked insider told us, “We thought Jon and Gary had given up but they’ve come back with all this, what’s going on?” High ranking executives at Sony hastily called a board meeting to discuss the implications of the updates – allegedly believeing it signalled the imminent resurrection of the mighty Sega. A furious Sony boss is said to have ordered the PS3 be doubled in power to counter what was certain to be a secret Dreamcast successor in development.