Our brave friends across the Atlantic are continuing to STICK IT TO and RIGHT INTO Sony, with PS3 sales DOWN 18% during October. Despite the launch of some shit user-generating, administrator-deleting content game about being a teddy bear and having your hard work removed that was all the rage for about 36 hours. Here’s a list.

US HARDWARE SALES FOR OCTOBER, 2008

Wii: 803,000
DS: 491,000
360: 371,000
PSP: 193,000
PS3: 190,000
PS2: 136,000

ANALYSIS:
Selling fewer consoles when you’ve got your most important game of the year out AND it’s nearly Christmas is a 10/10 on the SEGA Saturn UK Launch Disaster Scale.

SOFTWARE SALES EQUALLY SHAMBOLIC

1. 790k – Fable 2 (360)
2. 487k – Wii Fit (Wii)
3. 375k – Fallout 3 (360)
4. 290k – Mario Kart (Wii)
5. 282k – Wii Play (Wii)
6. 270k – Saints Row 2 (360)
7. 231k – SOCOM (PS3)
8. 215k – LittleBigPlanet (PS3)
9. 202k – NBA 2K9 (360)
10. 193k – Dead Space (360)

The ‘We Died And This Is What Heaven Is Like’ theory gains strength.

There’s no need to go trying to think of a funny comment. Just let it scroll away.

This thing about a MILF with a heart of gold.

This thing about Lucy Pinder and some lies to do with Xbox 360, which got linked to by Kotaku, boosting unique reader numbers into the high teens.

This thing about that Tomb Raider internet thing.

This thing about a radio that comes in “moss.”

This thing about game sales around the world in which we forgot to point out that Sony is only three letters away from COCK.

This thing about a defibrillator with a face, because we didn’t do anything about attractive ladies holding items this week:

Sorry about that.

Whoever bought the outfit for the model needs to be sacked. You won’t get anywhere on the internet with a photo of a woman in sensible trousers.

You can’t even see the outline of her pants or bra. This will sink without trace. Thousands wasted.

It comes with a strap. You could always just buy the strap. If you’re the sort of person inclined toward exercising, you ought to be able to motivate yourself to do it without a fucking avatar yelling positive enforcement messages at you from a TV.

Also for “bachelors” who live in loft apartments.

It’d be cheaper and more satisfying to beat your fists into the sofa cushions to disperse latent rage. WARNING: Don’t do that if you’re an asthmatic or suffer from a dust allergy. Raging against sofas can kill.

The students in the downstairs bedsit won’t be happy.

Needs some knee on display. We’d even settle for a glimpse of toned ankle. Very poor effort. Severely lacking in exploitation. 4/10.

There are lots of photos from the UK launch of the surrogate friend game here. This one is best. Because we really like red. No other reason.

This is why they call the game WoW.

Here’s something to calm everyone down. A relaxed German man, wearing what looks like a shirt he originally bought to attend a rave in 1991 – pre-dating the Dreamcast logo by many years.

“Here are two photos I took of a sleeping German man on the train at 3.00am. We were coming back from the Love Parade in Dortmund. Thought you might appreciate the photos” – KK.

We’re slightly concerned that the poor man’s groin seems to be the main focus of the shot, with the Dreamcast logo only noticed some time after the image had been taken (and used).

Man on fancy holiday spots SEGA-related item. Man supplies non-blurry 3400 x 2257 photograph taken on a proper camera, in which you can see that Sony’s slogan for PS2 in Malaysia is “EVERYTHING BEGIN HERE”.

The EXIF data shows the image was taken with Canon EOS 400D and was subsequently modified in Adobe Photoshop CS3. Over to “prosumer” Harry for an on-the-spot report.

“While on a roadtrip around Malaysia a month or two ago, I ended up driving through a town called Segamat. I appreciate that alone isn’t worth a post on UKR (or is it?). Anyway, as luck would have it, it also contained a shop advertising the Saturn. Sadly I couldn’t stop to go explore inside and see how many Saturns they had sold that week :( That’s it really. Sorry. S’gotta be marginally more exciting than yet another Dreamcast-Found-On-Bathmat picture though?” – Harry.

Oh dear, Sony’s dream of a Triple A title goes the way of MGS4 with a disastrous 4th place in the sales chart for the last week. Despite the hype, despite the ridiculous (but predictable) EDGE 10/10 LBP is SHAMEFULLY beaten by Gears 2, a game that’s been out for a month and another game that most people have never heard of.

1: Gears of War 2
2: FIFA 09
3: Fallout 3
4: LittleBigPlanet
5: WWE SmackDown vs.
Raw 2009
6: Professor Layton and the Curious Village)
7: Mario Kart Wii
8: Quantum of Solace
9: Pro Evolution Soccer 2009
10: Wii Fit

We can’t let it pass without comment that Sony is deleting piles of user-generated content from its tatty little teddy bear game that is ENTIRELY BASED AROUND and TO DO WITH user-generated content.

Just to recap, because it is a bit hard to understand. The game IS BUILT AROUND user-generated content. And Sony is DELETING user-generated content, despite previously being as happy as pigs in shit to tell everyone how cool “UGC” is and how LittleBigPlanet is ALL ABOUT IT and therefore also cool.

We just had to let you know that we have noticed this and are nursing the obligatory SONY DOOM semi.

Sony’s clearly making all these balls-ups on purpose so we can have a laugh. In fact, we may have all died in a nuclear war at the end of 2006 and this is heaven we’re in right now.

This image is taken from Sony’s E3 08 presentation, in which it cleverly recreated PlayStation imagery in LBP. This would be deleted if a user made it. Awesome corporate hypocrisy!

Headline of the Year. This amazingly bizarre advert was spotted by a reader who has, understandably, requested Category A anonymity. A Super Mario Bros. fan wants someone to bum while they play the NES game in a hotel room in, unsurprisingly, Brighton. And, to prove he’s a true gamer, there will be no small talk after.

The ad has since been deleted, but here’s a screen capture of it.

Change it to OutRun2SP and let us have whatever we want out of the mini bar and it might be worth the train fare.

WE HAD THE FORESIGHT TO SAVE THE TEXT

Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? Age: 28

Date posted: Saturday 27th September
Location: Brighton

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “FUCK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

No, because it’s the bemused silence as the game buying public fire up Little Big Planet and then realise that it’s actually not very good after all and isn’t the game that is going to sell millions of PS3s. Don’t take our word for it, here’s a sample of opinion from a few gaming forums. And these are the very people who’ve been wanking themselves silly for the last few weeks over clever, but pointless levels constructed by weird, obsessive Japanese people.

“I’m 20 minutes into playing one of the most outrageously shit pieces of game design, ever.”

“Either I’m missing something, or this whole section relies on luck and the grip button working 100% (which it doesn’t, ever)”

“I got through the first terrible part, and there’s another bit just as bad after it”

“It’s some of the shittiest game design ever and incredibly frustrating, and after all that came before it I’m really disappointed.”

“…been some really frustrating times having to restart the entire level again”

“The damned thing is a chore and I’m going to get through on luck rather than any repeatable skills because what works one time, might not work the next.”

“an unfair, badly thought out piece of shit”

“makes you also feel like you are fighting the controls rather than just playing the game.”